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Five-Minute Final Fantasy Tactics

Chapter 1

by Pteryx

Alazlam: Hi. The church altered history long ago, but I've got the Duray Report that proves it! Aren't I special? Here, have a read. Oh, and the real hero's got the same birthday as you. Pay it no mind.

[begin flashback]

Ovelia: God, please save us from ourselves!
Gafgarion: Hurry it up!
Agrias: Don't ru-- oh yeah, we're trying to do this in five minutes.
Generic Female Knight: The bad guys are here!
Gafgarion: Let's get 'em!
(hack, hack, hack)
Ramza: That was easy.
Agrias: You'd almost think it was just a distra--
Ovelia: Help!
Delita: Shut up!
Agrias: Crap.
Ramza: You're alive, Delita? But....

[begin flashback]

Delita: Look at me! Going to war school with nobles even though I'm a commoner!
Generic: How'd that happen?
Delita: Well....

[begin flashback]

Ramza: Would you quit it with the stupid flashbacks?
Alazlam: Sorry. We'll back up a step and be linear after this one. Honest.
Ramza: Okay, okay....
Balbanes: Ramza, be a good guy. Oh, and here's a fake ID I made for Delita. (croaks)
Dycedarg: (snickers)
Zalbag: What's so funny?
Dycedarg: Uh, nothing....

[end flashback]

Algus: Help me!
Ramza: Hm, should we save the guy or kill the Death Corps people? Well, I guess it doesn't matter, the result's the same either way.
(hack, hack, hack)
Algus: You're a Beoulve! Help me save Marquis Elmdor!
Ramza: Someone to save who's not a stereotypical princess? Cool.

Wiegraf: What's the matter with you people?
Delita: Hey, that's Wiegraf!
Wiegraf: Yipe! (runs)
Ramza: Darn, he left those other Death Corps people he was arguing with for us to fight with. Oh well!
(hack, hack, hack)
Algus: Hey, we missed one! You there, where'd you hide the Marquis?
Death Corps soldier: Sand Rat Cellar.
Algus: Huh?
Ramza: You idiot. If they're called "sand rats", they must live in the desert, right?
Delita: Or the beach.
Ramza: Oh, shut up and follow me.

Gustav: You're being too optimistic!
Wiegraf: And you're hijacking my revolutionaries. (stab)
Gustav: (dies)
Ramza: There, see? I told you!
Algus: You kidnapped the Marquis! Die!
Delita: Wait, stop! He's the good bad guy!
Wiegraf: Yeah, I didn't kidnap him. Take him back.
Elmdor: Yay, I'm free!

Dycedarg: You were supposed to be guarding the castle! Bad brother! Bad!
Larg: But he saved the Marquis. (ahem)
Dycedarg: Er, uh, yeah, good point. Tell you what, you kill the rest of the Death Corps and it's forgotten.
Ramza: Okay.

Miluda: I hate you nobles! You treat us like animals!
Algus: You are animals!
Delita: No we're not!
Ramza: Yeah, no they're not!
Algus: Well, screw you for not being an elitist. (deserts)
Miluda: I still hate you!
Ramza: Oh crap.
(hack, hack, hack)
Ramza: Wish I didn't have to do that.
Delita: Wish I didn't have to help.

Wiegraf: My name is Wiegraf Folles. You killed my sister. Prepare to die.
Ramza: (facepalms) Okay, you're going down just for that.
(hack, hack, hack)
Delita: But you're a White Knight!
Wiegraf: Oh, don't be so picky. (beams away)

Teta: Help me! The Death Corps kidnapped me!
Delita: I'll save you, sis!
Algus: No you won't. (shoots Teta)
Delita: I HATE YOU!
Algus: Oh, and Ramza, I used you and you're using Delita.
Delita: What?
Ramza: That's not true!
(hack, hack, hack)
Delita: I have to save Teta before the fort explodes!
Ramza: She's already dead, you idiot! (runs) (BOOM)


Next fiver: Chapter 2

Got a comment on this guest fiver? Contact the author, Pteryx.

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This fiver was originally published on March 20, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Squaresoft, but seeing as original PSX is no longer the major gaming platform, I doubt they'll be beating down my door. Which reminds me -- how does "PSX" manage to stand for PlayStation? Where does the X come from? Will mankind ever know the answers to these questions that haunt us?

All material © 2002, Pteryx.