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Five-Minute Final Fantasy Tactics

Chapter 3

by Pteryx

Ramza: We'd better go tell Zalbag what's going on... Hey, you two have been awfully quiet.
Agrias: Oh, that's because we're not important to the plot anymore.
Mustadio: And because we're doing a rush job we won't be doing the Cloud side quest, where I get to speak again... (pouts)

Olan: Help! I'm surrounded by the thieves I just uncovered!
Ramza: Here we go again...
(hack, hack, hack)
Ramza: ...With that Galaxy Stop spell of yours, what did you need us for?
Olan: Oh, I can't deal damage worth anything. Thanks, I'll be on my way. What's your name?
Ramza: Ramza Beoulve.
Olan: Oh! Watch your back, okay?
Ramza: Uh, sure...

Ramza: Zalbag! Dycedarg planned the kidnapping of Ovelia, and whoever's manipulating Larg and Goltana into war saved her for their own purposes!
Zalbag: Balderdash! Preposterous!
Ramza: If you're not listening, why don't you just say so!

Alma: Wait! Don't leave without me, brother!
Ramza: Are you crazy? You'll get killed!
(Ramza and Alma jump and spin to face Zalmo)
Alma: What? Did you know there was a heresy examiner after you, Ramza?
(Ramza shakes his head)
Zalmo: Of course not! No one expects Ajora's Inquisition!
Ramza: (groan) Now we're ripping off Monty Python too?
(hack, hack, hack)
Alma: But you're a Holy Priest!
Ramza: You get used to it.
(Zalmo beams away)

Ramza: So the church is the one behind the war. I'd better get back to keeping them away from the Holy Stones!
Alma: The Virgo one is in Orbonne Monastery!
Ramza: Thanks! Bye!
Alma: Wait! You're a 'heretic', so you can't go into a monastery without a Cleric like me!
Ramza: And I thought the church was being manipulative...

Izlude: Hah! I've got the Holy Stone! We can make God's world with them!
Ramza: But they're evil!
Izlude: Don't you know what 'holy' means?
Ramza: Yeah, and turning into a demon isn't it!
(hack, hack, hack)
Ramza: (groan) Do all the repeating bosses in this game do that? And he took the stone, too...

Wiegraf: My name is Wiegraf Folles. You killed my sister. Prepare to die.
Ramza: So you're the one responsible for Zalmo's dialogue! But Miluda wouldn't like seeing you working with the Church!
(hack, hack, hack)
Wiegraf: (groan)
Aries Stone: I'll let you live if you sell your soul to me.
Wiegraf: Okay! (turns into Velius) Wow, cool!
Ramza: Man, you Virgos suck.
Ramza: But you're not even a human anymore, let alone a... oh, forget it.
Velius: (beams away)

Simon: Here, Ramza, this book will let you save the world! (dies)
Ramza: Uh, okay....

Malak: Bring the book to Riovanes Castle and we'll give Alma back!
Ramza: What's so special about it?
Malak: Er... you read it, didn't you?
Ramza: Uh, no. We're supposed to be doing a rush job, remember?
Malak: Oh, right.

Rafa: We're being used by Barinten!
Malak: No we're not!
Rafa: Yes we are!
Malak: Nuh-uh!
Rafa: Uh-huh!
Ramza: My, aren't we showing our ages.
Rafa: Help!
Ramza: Uh, okay, that came out of nowhere....
(hack, hack, hack)
Rafa: But you're a Hell Knight! They're the ninjas!
Malak: A guy can dream, can't he? (beams away)

Barinten: I want to join up with the winning side.
Vormav: Why should I let you?
Barinten: Because I'm about to get the stuff you want and already got your son.
Izlude: Help!
Vormav: Like I care. I'll just kill you both. (holds up an unidentified Zodiac Stone, turns into Hashmalum) ROOOAAAR!
(A big "Censored" sign covers up the carnage)

Malak: Nuh-uh!
Rafa: Uh-huh!
Ramza: Oh, give me a break. Let's just settle this with our armies, okay?
(hack, hack, hack)

Wiegraf: My name is Wiegraf Folles. I don't give a damn about my sister. Prepare to die anyway. MUAHAHAHAH! Now, draw your sword.
Ramza: But I'm in the Monk class. I'm using bare fists.
Wiegraf: Oh, whatever.
(hack, hack, hack)
Ramza: Hmph, who needs an army?
Wiegraf: You will soon. (holds up the Aries Zodiac Stone, turns into Velius) ROOOAAAR!
(Generics come rushing in)
Ramza: Well, how convenient.
(hack, hack, hack)
Ramza: Yay! No more Princess Bride ripoffs! (grabs the Aries Zodiac Stone)

Alma: Are you okay?
Izlude: Do I look okay? Take this. (hands Alma the Pisces Zodiac Stone, dies)
Vormav: (comes in) Oh, look, someone else to kill. (Virgo Zodiac Stone pulses) ....Or kidnap. Yeah, kidnapping's good.
Alma: Help! (drops the Pisces Zodiac Stone)

Rafa: I'll kill you!
Barinten: Hah, you're too scared of me to get back at me!
Malak: What?
Rafa: Told ya so, nyah-nyah!
Malak: I'll get you for that! (tackles Rafa just as Barinten shoots, dies)
Barinten: Give me his Holy Stone!
(Celia and Lede throw Barinten off the roof)
Elmdor: No, give me his Holy Stone!
Ramza: No, don't give anyone his Holy Stone!
(hack, hack, hack)
Elmdor, Celia, and Lede: NINJA VANISH! (beam away)
Ramza: (facepalm) They're doing it in chorus now?
Rafa: Well, at least Celia and Lede are kind of like ninjas....

Rafa: Brother, look at the sunrise! (sob) Please....
Ramza: He's dead, you idiot.
(Malak's unidentified Zodiac Stone glows in a different way; Malak comes back to life)
Ramza: ....Uh, okay, maybe not.
Malak: It was God this time.
Ramza: Yeah, that's more my idea of holy. Now let's save my sister!


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This fiver was originally published on September 12, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Squaresoft, but seeing as original PSX is no longer the major gaming platform, I doubt they'll be beating down my door. Which reminds me -- how does "PSX" manage to stand for PlayStation? Where does the X come from? Will mankind ever know the answers to these questions that haunt us?

All material © 2002, Pteryx.