Home Prev Features Home

Ten Little Comedians, Part 3

by Derek

A decimation of Tenth Anniversary Week

Previously on Ten Little Comedians...

Scooter: The fact there's still only five us still bothers me.

Derek: Well, there are ten of us in base 5.

Zeke: And a HUNDRED of us in base square root of 5.

Sa'ar: A hundred? There's no way they can kill us all off!

IJD: Geez, Zeke. That's a really heliocentric thing to say.

Sa'ar: Yeah, what about the other stars?

Derek: You should be more galaxy-centric.

Scooter: Or more eurocentric.

Zeke: Ah-HA!

Scooter: Still not British.

Sa'ar: Besides, the UK isn't on the euro.

Kriegsgräber: What is this? Do you five know something?

Derek: I try very hard to know nothing. At least, I think I do.

Kriegsgräber: Come, come. We must know what you know.

Zeke: We need more time to figure out what, if anything, we know, but once we do we will tell all of you.

Kriegsgräber: I see. And when will that be?

Zeke: Soon.

Kriegsgräber: Ah. Soon is good. In the meantime, what should we be doing?

Zeke: Well, clearly when we're in an uncertain and dangerous situation, the proper course of action is to split up into smaller groups.

Sa'ar: Why?

Zeke: Um, to search for exits? I don't know. The point is we're supposed to do it, and I always do what I'm supposed to do.

IJD: Except when you don't.

Zeke: Well, yeah. Obviously then. Tautologically then.

Kriegsgräber: Yes! We must look for some other way out of this mansion. I find it hard to believe that every exit is sealed. Is there anything else we should be looking for?

Scooter: A police box!

Kriegsgräber: Good idea. You are wanting to search for a police box to contact the authorities for help, yes?

Scooter: Um, yes. That's why.

Kriegsgräber: So it's settled. We split up.

Farmer: Well, if we're stuck in here, might as well do something useful.

(The Farmer reaches into his overalls and pulls out a bunch of papers, some glasses, and a pen and begins reading carefully.)

Zeke: Huh. I thought you were going to pull out some milk, or curds, or tractors, or something.

Farmer: Hm? No, no, son. I'm looking to buy old Silas McPherson's farm. It's got a lot of grass and caves and grassy caves. Everything I need.

Zeke: Caves? Everything you need? Are you Batman? Farmer Batman had a farm?

Farmer: THWAP! Don't be such a joker. I need the caves for the cheese. The CHEESE, man!

Zeke: So your cheese is Batman?

Smythe: OOF!

Sa'ar: Okay, I've thrown everything I can think of at these windows, and they just aren't breaking. What is with them?

Chaff: Windows were created by man. They evolved.

Sa'ar: That doesn't make any sense scientifically, chemically, or theoretically.

Chaff: Hey, I'm an expert on a show where robots and humans can have viable offspring. What would I know about any of that?

Sa'ar: I think I tried defenestrating the wrong guy.

Zeke: You know, it just occurred to me that there haven't been any more deaths since the butler. We may be able to all make it out alive.

Other Staffers: Zeke!

Zeke: What?

IJD: You just jinxed us!


IJD: You see?

(They all run to the room where the crash came from, only to see an eclectic group of people made even more eclectic by the fact they've all been run over by a DeLorean and have fire tracks across their bodies.)

Zeke: What happened!

Oiram: I saw the whole thing! Oiram, expert on Mario. I was talking with those guys when suddenly that car appeared out of nowhere and picked them off like they were Pikmin. I only just escaped!

Derek: (walking over to one of corpses) I don't remember meeting these guys. What about you guys?

IJD: This one's invitation says he's the expert of ... Chex Quest?

Zeke: Heh. This one's says Doom.

Scooter: Expert on House of the Dead. Expert on Half-Life. Wow. Were these all videogame guys?

IJD: Not this one. This is the farmer whose expertise is cheese.

Zeke: (pulling a paper out from under the farmer) Hey look. He bought the farm!

Derek: Hey, look inside the window to the DeLorean. The driver's still inside there.

Scooter: Who is it?

Derek: Don't know. He doesn't seem to be responding.

IJD: He's dead, Jim.

Scooter: And the door is locked! It's a locked car mystery!

Martin: Hey! What are you doing with my DeLorean?!

Zeke: Ah-HA! You committed these murders!

Martin: What? No, I didn't!

Zeke: Come on. Out with it. Who are you? Why did you kill them all?

Martin: I'm Martin. Martin McFly. But I didn't kill these people!

Derek: Seriously? You're name is Marty McFly and you own a DeLorean?

Martin: Martin McFly.

Derek: That is awesome! Are you the expert on Back to the Future? You've got to be. You are, aren't you?

Martin: (sigh) Yes.

Derek: Man, I love those movies. Like Back to the Future I and Back to the Future II and... and...

Martin: Back to the Future III?

Derek: YES! That one!

Zeke: That's all well and good but we still don't know why you've killed all these people.

Martin: I didn't!

Scooter: I think you did. Look inside the car window.

Martin: But that's me! I'm dead! How can that be me?

Sa'ar: Well, you were in a time machine.

Martin: It's not a real time machine. It's just a regular DeLorean.

Derek: Which makes it no less cool.

Kriegsgräber: What's all this? Oh no! More deaths! And you five standing there!

IJD: What are you saying exactly?

Kriegsgräber: Well, I may just be a simple expert Shakespeare scholar, but I think I know suspicious circumstances when I see them!

Sa'ar: What suspicious circumstances?

Kriegsgräber: People die and you just happen to be here?

Scooter: We came when we heard the crash!

Derek: Just like everyone else. I think you're actually the last person to get into this room.

Kriegsgräber: A likely story. And besides that Battlestar Galactica "expert" isn't here.

Zeke: And that strikes no one as suspicious?

(Everyone rushes to where he was last seen.)

IJD: He's dead, Jim.

Scooter: Stop doing that.

Zeke: He's been impaled on a huge shard of glass!

Kriegsgräber: Ah-HA! He was killed by your companion there! That one you call Sa'ar Chasm!

Scooter: Technically, I'm the only one who has companions. I think he's Zeke's minion.

Zeke: Friend!

Kriegsgräber: Friend means accomplice in my book!

Sa'ar: It doesn't matter. It wasn't me!

Kriegsgräber: I saw you! You and he were arguing over the windows and now he's been killed with one!

Sa'ar: Which one? None of the windows are broken! We didn't hear a crash from any of the windows!

Derek: Windows crashing isn't something you hear. Normally you just see a blue screen.

Zeke: And those screens are black!

Kriegsgräber: Enough! I've had enough of your inanity! Clearly you are just playing the fools to distract us from the fact that you have masterminded this whole situation and are killing us off one by one!

Zeke: Now that is just an outright lie!

Derek: (Unless he's being really meta.)

Zeke: (Shhh! Authorial privilege only goes so far!)


Previous Part :: This Part :: Next Part

Got a comment on this part of "Ten Little Comedians"? Contact Derek.

Site navigation:
___ Features
___ ___Ten Little Comedians, Part 3

This was originally published on June 30, 2010.

DISCLAIMER: Various copyrights are violated here. We don't -- GAK!

All material © 2010, Derek.