Ten Little Comedians, Part 2
A decimation of Tenth Anniversary Week
Previously on Ten Little Comedians...
Derek: You realize there aren't ten of us.
Zeke: I figured we'd each bring a sidekick.
IJD: So where's yours?
Zeke: Well, I invited Vedra, but he had other plans. I think he'll find he's still involved, though... in a sense.
Vedra: *struggles with his front door* Okay, what the HELL?
(It's been a few minutes since the door slammed. Unsure of what to do, the guests have started milling around again.)
Kelonzi: Well, great. I guess this is what comes of associating with you.
Zeke: Come on, it's just a coincidence.
Kelonzi: You think so?
(Kelonzi shows Zeke her invitation.)
Zeke: "...your expertise on Buffy the Vampire Slayer." Whoa!
Kelonzi: I can only assume it's about the website. I'm not a professional Buffy fan.
Zeke: Interesting. It doesn't say expertise on Buffy parodies.
IJD: Neither does mine.
Zeke: I didn't know you were into Buffy.
IJD: No, I mean mine says "expertise on the original Star Trek."
Sa'ar: Same here.
Zeke: You're an expert on the original Star Trek?
Sa'ar: Mine says "expertise on Babylon 5."
Scooter: Mine too.
Zeke: When did you all switch subsites?
Scooter: With "Doctor Who" in there, obviously.
Zeke: I'm so confused!
IJD: What about you, Derek?
Derek: Oh? Uh, just like yours, of course.
Scooter: Why do you sound hesitant?
Derek: I'm not hesitant.
IJD: Okay, let's see it.
(Derek sighs and hands his card over.)
IJD: "...expertise on Deep Space Nine and Smallville."
Derek: It's just not fair.
Sa'ar: What about yours, Zeke? With all your subsites, it must be pretty long.
Zeke: Mine just says "expertise on parodies." There's also this little superscripted question mark.
Sa'ar: Strange... I wonder if the difference is significant.
Scooter: It must be. We've spent all these lines establishing it.
IJD: So what do we do now?
Zeke: At times like this, when leadership is called for --
Sa'ar: We wait six months for you to decide?
Zeke: No, I'm in one of my prompt phases. Let's talk to the other guests. Maybe if we find out what they're here for, we'll get some idea of our captors' purpose.
Derek: Sounds reasonable. Let's start with this guy.
Derek: Hi, I'm Derek.
Chaff: (shaking hands) Chandra Ocacokhan. My friends call me Chaff.
Derek: Quite a fix we're in, eh?
Chaff: I'm not too worried. It's just a door. It do what it do.
Derek: So what are you an expert on?
Chaff: Only the greatest sci-fi series ever made -- Battlestar Galactica!
Zeke: Oh reeeeeally?
Chaff: You better frakkin' believe it! BSG is more mature and intelligent than the human race even deserves!
Zeke: You don't say. Hey, there are drinks on that table. Why don't I get you one?
Chaff: Thanks. I'd like --
Zeke: I think I'll get you some Kool-Aid.
Chaff: But I --
Zeke: And then we can talk some more about BSG while you drink the Kool-Aid.
Chaff: Now wait a minute here.
IJD: (to the others) I have a feeling he'll be at this for a while. Let's go.
Derek: Probably wise.
(They wander away.)
Zeke: Go ahead, guzzle it down.
Chaff: Is it my fault you don't know quality when you see it?
Zeke: Oh no, I agree! That's quality Kool-Aid!
Scooter: Dairy farm, huh? How's that working out for you?
Farmer: It's a good living. There are downsides, of course... the hard work, the smell, the risk of certain medical conditions...
Scooter: Lactic acid buildup?
Farmer: Pasture eyes.
Scooter: Ah. So how do you cope?
Farmer: Philosophy. I wear the cheese -- it does not wear me.
(Kelonzi perks up.)
Scooter: I don't see you wearing cheese.
Farmer: Well, not right this second...
Scooter: Do you, in fact, have any cheese at all?
Scooter: Sorry. Monty Python.
Farmer: You mean those British guys?
Smythe: So that was pretty hard on my reputation, but I've come back from it now. My recent work on the size of the Andromeda galaxy was well-received.
Sa'ar: It must be exciting to work in astrology.
Sa'ar: Oh, sorry. I don't mean to insult your pride as an astrologer.
Sa'ar: Hey, what's my horoscope for today?
Smythe: I'm an ASTRONOMER!
Sa'ar: I'm an Aquarius.
(Smythe starts turning purple. Sa'ar grins. This is a new record.)
IJD: ...just don't get a PG rating.
Melissa: That doesn't make sense.
IJD: Believe me, it does. So what's your name?
Melissa: Stevenson Melissa.
Melissa: You're one of the polite ones. Most people ask if I said it backwards.
IJD: Well, these days --
Melissa: When I'm really just using Japanese name order, which any idiot knows is superior.
IJD: Righ... huh?
Melissa: If it's good enough for the most awesome place in the world, it should be good enough for us!
IJD: I get the impression you're here as an expert on --
Melissa: Anime! I love it! I've watched the entire run of Ranma 1/2 six times!
IJD: Pfft, watch every original Trek episode nine times and we'll talk.
Melissa: Who needs that gaijin stuff? Anime has everything! Rivalries! Male bonding! Gorgeous men who look like reasonably attractive women!
IJD: And giant robots?
Melissa: Piloted by teenage boys with something to prove!
IJD: You're not a big fan of female characters, are you?
Melissa: *shrug* They're okay. Except love interests. They need to BURN.
Melissa: Hee hee!
IJD: So... no offense, but where does the expertise come in?
Melissa: Two thousand reviews on FanFiction.net can't be wrong!
Derek: Say, I feel like I've met you before.
Reporter: Could be. I've talked to a lot of people. This job takes me everywhere. Distant countries, important events, occasionally the future...
Reporter: Though I end up in Hollywood half the time for some reason.
Derek: You must be working for a pretty big news outlet.
Reporter: ...Sure. Sure, you could say that. I mean, most people wouldn't, but you could.
Reporter: I'm not getting a pretty big paycheck, is all I'm saying.
Reporter: Dunno where I'd be without big fat bribes and kickbacks.
Reporter: On the other hand, I do get away with some pretty ridiculous bias.
Derek: Wait a minute. You're not that reporter, are you?
Reporter: That reporter? No.
Derek: I mean --
Derek: Zeke? *follows the noise*
Reporter: Hey! Did you say Zeke? That dsokdpach stiffed me on a half-million-dollar hush payment!
(Everyone is rushing around. The staffers arrive to find Zeke frozen in horror, pointing at a woman with long black hair.)
Zeke: S... S...
IJD: What? What is it?
Scooter: Did she do something?
Zeke: ALL DIE!
Derek: Oh, I see. (to the rather quiet-looking woman) Ma'am, did your hair by any chance fall in front of your face a minute ago?
Quiet Woman: ...I guess it might have... sometimes when I lean forward like this... *hair falls*
Derek: Take it easy, Zeke. She isn't the girl from The Ring.
Zeke: SADAKO! I KNEW SHE WOULD COME!
Sa'ar: Sorry, ma'am. He gets like this sometimes.
Quiet Woman: ...No no. This is very interesting...
Scooter: I would have pegged it as annoying, myself.
Quiet Woman: ...I've encountered this before...
Quiet Woman: ...I study it... I call it Ring-related trauma...
IJD: Are there that many Ring victims around?
Quiet Woman: ...More than you'd think...
Zeke: So... so you're not really her?
Quiet Woman: ...She isn't real... I'm just a psychologist...
Zeke: And the resemblance is a coincidence?
Quiet Woman: ...It comes in handy... Helps me find subjects...
Zeke: I'm sorry I panicked. What's your name?
Quiet Woman: ...Dr. Yamamura...
(Zeke hides behind Sa'ar.)
Quiet Woman: ...I should probably change it...
IJD: *turns back to the group* Whatever. Did you guys find out anything useful?
IJD: Me neither. The assortment seems pretty random.
Kriegsgräber: Ladies and gentlemen!
(They turn. Kriegsgräber is standing on one of the refreshment tables, which looks less than thrilled about it.)
Kriegsgräber: We must organize ourselves! We are trapped, and the murders have already begun!
Sa'ar: No they haven't. Zeke's just chicken.
Zeke: All right, all right...
Kriegsgräber: What are you talking about? The butler! The butler is dead!
Kriegsgräber: We found his body a moment ago! He had been stabbed with his own serving tray!
Scooter: Oh. I guess we weren't all rushing around for the same reason just now.
Derek: Simultaneity is the scourge of mankind.
Zeke: Wait, stabbed?
IJD: Dammit! We hadn't talked to him yet! That's some perfectly good NPC dialogue lost forever.
Kriegsgräber: Everyone, the time has come to pool our resources!
Derek: Such as?
Kriegsgräber: Information! We were all invited here for different reasons. There must be a purpose behind it. Let us find out.
Sa'ar: Round-table introductions, huh? I'm Steve and I enjoy Sinatra and long walks on the beach.
Kriegsgräber: Essentials only, please. I shall begin... I have been invited as an expert on Shakespeare.
Farmer: I'm an expert on cheese.
Chaff: Battlestar Galactica here.
Kelonzi: Me? Buffy.
Quiet Woman: ...The Ring...
(As the guests continue responding, deathly silence has descended on the 5M.net staff.)
Zeke: Guys, you know how Copernicus proved that everything in our solar system revolves around the sun?
Zeke: I think I know how the sun felt.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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All material © 2010, Zeke.