Home Prev Features Home

Ten Little Comedians, Part 2

by Zeke

A decimation of Tenth Anniversary Week

Previously on Ten Little Comedians...

Derek: You realize there aren't ten of us.

Zeke: I figured we'd each bring a sidekick.

IJD: So where's yours?

Zeke: Well, I invited Vedra, but he had other plans. I think he'll find he's still involved, though... in a sense.


Vedra: *struggles with his front door* Okay, what the HELL?

(It's been a few minutes since the door slammed. Unsure of what to do, the guests have started milling around again.)

Kelonzi: Well, great. I guess this is what comes of associating with you.

Zeke: Come on, it's just a coincidence.

Kelonzi: You think so?

(Kelonzi shows Zeke her invitation.)

Zeke: "...your expertise on Buffy the Vampire Slayer." Whoa!

Kelonzi: I can only assume it's about the website. I'm not a professional Buffy fan.

Zeke: Interesting. It doesn't say expertise on Buffy parodies.

IJD: Neither does mine.

Zeke: I didn't know you were into Buffy.

IJD: No, I mean mine says "expertise on the original Star Trek."

Sa'ar: Same here.

Zeke: You're an expert on the original Star Trek?

Sa'ar: Mine says "expertise on Babylon 5."

Scooter: Mine too.

Zeke: When did you all switch subsites?

Scooter: With "Doctor Who" in there, obviously.

Zeke: I'm so confused!

IJD: What about you, Derek?

Derek: Oh? Uh, just like yours, of course.

Scooter: Why do you sound hesitant?


Derek: I'm not hesitant.

IJD: Okay, let's see it.

(Derek sighs and hands his card over.)

IJD: "...expertise on Deep Space Nine and Smallville."

Derek: It's just not fair.

Sa'ar: What about yours, Zeke? With all your subsites, it must be pretty long.

Zeke: Mine just says "expertise on parodies." There's also this little superscripted question mark.

Sa'ar: Strange... I wonder if the difference is significant.

Scooter: It must be. We've spent all these lines establishing it.

IJD: So what do we do now?

Zeke: At times like this, when leadership is called for --

Sa'ar: We wait six months for you to decide?

Zeke: No, I'm in one of my prompt phases. Let's talk to the other guests. Maybe if we find out what they're here for, we'll get some idea of our captors' purpose.

Derek: Sounds reasonable. Let's start with this guy.

Chaff: Hmm?

Derek: Hi, I'm Derek.

Chaff: (shaking hands) Chandra Ocacokhan. My friends call me Chaff.

Derek: Quite a fix we're in, eh?

Chaff: I'm not too worried. It's just a door. It do what it do.

Derek: So what are you an expert on?

Chaff: Only the greatest sci-fi series ever made -- Battlestar Galactica!

Zeke: Oh reeeeeally?

Chaff: You better frakkin' believe it! BSG is more mature and intelligent than the human race even deserves!

Zeke: You don't say. Hey, there are drinks on that table. Why don't I get you one?

Chaff: Thanks. I'd like --

Zeke: I think I'll get you some Kool-Aid.

Chaff: But I --

Zeke: And then we can talk some more about BSG while you drink the Kool-Aid.

Chaff: Now wait a minute here.

IJD: (to the others) I have a feeling he'll be at this for a while. Let's go.

Derek: Probably wise.

(They wander away.)

Zeke: Go ahead, guzzle it down.

Chaff: Is it my fault you don't know quality when you see it?

Zeke: Oh no, I agree! That's quality Kool-Aid!

Scooter: Dairy farm, huh? How's that working out for you?

Farmer: It's a good living. There are downsides, of course... the hard work, the smell, the risk of certain medical conditions...

Scooter: Lactic acid buildup?

Farmer: Pasture eyes.

Scooter: Ah. So how do you cope?

Farmer: Philosophy. I wear the cheese -- it does not wear me.

(Kelonzi perks up.)

Scooter: I don't see you wearing cheese.

Farmer: Well, not right this second...

Scooter: Do you, in fact, have any cheese at all?

Farmer: Huh?

Scooter: Sorry. Monty Python.

Farmer: You mean those British guys?

Scooter: ...Yes.

Smythe: So that was pretty hard on my reputation, but I've come back from it now. My recent work on the size of the Andromeda galaxy was well-received.

Sa'ar: It must be exciting to work in astrology.

Smythe: Astronomy.

Sa'ar: Oh, sorry. I don't mean to insult your pride as an astrologer.

Smythe: Astronomer!

Sa'ar: Hey, what's my horoscope for today?

Smythe: I'm an ASTRONOMER!

Sa'ar: I'm an Aquarius.

(Smythe starts turning purple. Sa'ar grins. This is a new record.)

IJD: ...just don't get a PG rating.

Melissa: That doesn't make sense.

IJD: Believe me, it does. So what's your name?

Melissa: Stevenson Melissa.

IJD: Okay.

Melissa: You're one of the polite ones. Most people ask if I said it backwards.

IJD: Well, these days --

Melissa: When I'm really just using Japanese name order, which any idiot knows is superior.

IJD: Righ... huh?

Melissa: If it's good enough for the most awesome place in the world, it should be good enough for us!

IJD: I get the impression you're here as an expert on --

Melissa: Anime! I love it! I've watched the entire run of Ranma 1/2 six times!

IJD: Pfft, watch every original Trek episode nine times and we'll talk.

Melissa: Who needs that gaijin stuff? Anime has everything! Rivalries! Male bonding! Gorgeous men who look like reasonably attractive women!

IJD: And giant robots?

Melissa: Piloted by teenage boys with something to prove!

IJD: You're not a big fan of female characters, are you?

Melissa: *shrug* They're okay. Except love interests. They need to BURN.

IJD: Ah.


(Awkward pause.)

Melissa: Hee hee!

IJD: So... no offense, but where does the expertise come in?

Melissa: Two thousand reviews on FanFiction.net can't be wrong!

Derek: Say, I feel like I've met you before.

Reporter: Could be. I've talked to a lot of people. This job takes me everywhere. Distant countries, important events, occasionally the future...

Derek: Wow.

Reporter: Though I end up in Hollywood half the time for some reason.

Derek: You must be working for a pretty big news outlet.

Reporter: ...Sure. Sure, you could say that. I mean, most people wouldn't, but you could.

Derek: Ah.

Reporter: I'm not getting a pretty big paycheck, is all I'm saying.

Derek: Right.

Reporter: Dunno where I'd be without big fat bribes and kickbacks.

Derek: Right...

Reporter: On the other hand, I do get away with some pretty ridiculous bias.

Derek: Wait a minute. You're not that reporter, are you?

Reporter: That reporter? No.

Derek: I mean --


Derek: Zeke? *follows the noise*

Reporter: Hey! Did you say Zeke? That dsokdpach stiffed me on a half-million-dollar hush payment!

(Everyone is rushing around. The staffers arrive to find Zeke frozen in horror, pointing at a woman with long black hair.)

Zeke: S... S...

IJD: What? What is it?

Zeke: *gulps*

Scooter: Did she do something?

Zeke: ALL DIE!

Derek: Oh, I see. (to the rather quiet-looking woman) Ma'am, did your hair by any chance fall in front of your face a minute ago?

Quiet Woman: ...I guess it might have... sometimes when I lean forward like this... *hair falls*


Derek: Take it easy, Zeke. She isn't the girl from The Ring.


Sa'ar: Sorry, ma'am. He gets like this sometimes.

Quiet Woman: ...No no. This is very interesting...

Scooter: I would have pegged it as annoying, myself.

Quiet Woman: ...I've encountered this before...

Derek: Really?

Quiet Woman: ...I study it... I call it Ring-related trauma...

IJD: Are there that many Ring victims around?

Quiet Woman: ...More than you'd think...

Zeke: So... so you're not really her?

Quiet Woman: ...She isn't real... I'm just a psychologist...

Zeke: And the resemblance is a coincidence?

Quiet Woman: ...It comes in handy... Helps me find subjects...

Zeke: I'm sorry I panicked. What's your name?

Quiet Woman: ...Dr. Yamamura...

(Zeke hides behind Sa'ar.)

Quiet Woman: ...I should probably change it...

IJD: *turns back to the group* Whatever. Did you guys find out anything useful?

(All shrug.)

IJD: Me neither. The assortment seems pretty random.

Kriegsgräber: Ladies and gentlemen!

(They turn. Kriegsgräber is standing on one of the refreshment tables, which looks less than thrilled about it.)

Kriegsgräber: We must organize ourselves! We are trapped, and the murders have already begun!

Sa'ar: No they haven't. Zeke's just chicken.

Zeke: All right, all right...

Kriegsgräber: What are you talking about? The butler! The butler is dead!

Sa'ar: Huh?

Kriegsgräber: We found his body a moment ago! He had been stabbed with his own serving tray!

Scooter: Oh. I guess we weren't all rushing around for the same reason just now.

Derek: Simultaneity is the scourge of mankind.

Zeke: Wait, stabbed?

IJD: Dammit! We hadn't talked to him yet! That's some perfectly good NPC dialogue lost forever.

Kriegsgräber: Everyone, the time has come to pool our resources!

Derek: Such as?

Kriegsgräber: Information! We were all invited here for different reasons. There must be a purpose behind it. Let us find out.

Sa'ar: Round-table introductions, huh? I'm Steve and I enjoy Sinatra and long walks on the beach.

Kriegsgräber: Essentials only, please. I shall begin... I have been invited as an expert on Shakespeare.

Farmer: I'm an expert on cheese.

Chaff: Battlestar Galactica here.

Kelonzi: Me? Buffy.

Melissa: Anime!

Quiet Woman: ...The Ring...

Smythe: Andromeda.

(As the guests continue responding, deathly silence has descended on the 5M.net staff.)

Zeke: Guys, you know how Copernicus proved that everything in our solar system revolves around the sun?

Sa'ar: Yeah...

Zeke: I think I know how the sun felt.


Previous Part :: This Part :: Next Part

Got a comment on this part of "Ten Little Comedians"? Contact Zeke.

Site navigation:
___ Features
___ ___Ten Little Comedians, Part 2

This was originally published on June 27, 2010.

DISCLAIMER: Various copyrights are violated here. We don't mean -- GAK!

All material © 2010, Zeke.