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Ten Little Comedians, Part 1

by Zeke

A decimation of Tenth Anniversary Week

Sa'ar: This is the latest we've ever been for anything.

Zeke: Oh, stop saying that.

Sa'ar: It is.

Zeke: You're just being all meta.

Sa'ar: No I'm not! This conference was supposed to start at 5!

Zeke: And it's only 5:15.

Sa'ar: The next day!

Zeke: *checks invitation* Oh. Okay, fair enough.

Derek: There's nothing wrong with 5:15 PM.

Sa'ar: I thought there was nothing wrong with 7:57 PM.

Derek: Do you have a problem with --


IJD: Eyes on the road, Derek.

Derek: I don't know why we're not getting a wide berth! Can't they see my "Baby On Board" sign?

IJD: Is it legal to keep that in the window when the baby isn't here?

Derek: Probably not, but nobody actually takes them down. Like handicapped stickers or nuclear weapons.

IJD: I would take mine down.

Derek: Heh, we'll probably see about that soon enough.

(Zeke and Sa'ar grumble.)

Zeke: Hey, you didn't grumble as loud as I did.

Sa'ar: With my karaoke skills, it's just a matter of time.

Zeke: As soon as I think of a less important subsite than Babylon 5, I'm making you head of it.

(The car pulls into a parking area next to a mansion. Derek takes a handicapped spot.)

IJD: Anybody see Scooter?

Zeke: I don't know what kind of car he drives. Just that he drives it on the left side.

Derek: He does?

Zeke: Yeah. He's probably parked that way too.

IJD: How do you park on the left?

Sa'ar: Geez, if he drives in the wrong lane, he probably crashed on the way he--

Scooter: For the last time, I'm not British!

(Scooter has just pulled up, riding a... a sc... I refuse to narrate this.)

Zeke: Sorry. I keep forgetting.

IJD: Where are you from, anyway?

Scooter: New York! What's so hard to remember about that?

Derek: It might help if you wore a shirt that said "I Heart NY" instead of "Up With Cardiff, Wot Wot".

Sa'ar: I do a good "New York, New York."

Zeke: Please don't.

IJD: Okay, are we all ready to go here?

Derek: Ready as we'll ever be, I guess. We do have a certain disadvantage in terms of knowing what the hell is going on.

(Everyone looks at Zeke.)

Zeke: Who, me? I got the same invitation as the rest of you. *holds it up*

Scooter: It seems prestigious and all, but it's awfully vague.

Sa'ar: "You are hereby invited to the 2010 Experts' Conference."

Derek: How bad can it be? According to the fine print, we'll solve world hunger or something just by attending.

IJD: In those exact words. "World hunger or something." It doesn't exactly flood the mind with confidence.

Zeke: Yeah, but it doesn't exactly flood the ocean with petroleum either, unlike some countries.

(Zeke cocks his head at Scooter, winking.)

Scooter: I'm not British.

Zeke: ...Well, I meant the States, of course.

Sa'ar: Comes in handy being Canadian, eh?

Scooter: Oh yeah, we're very jealous. After all...

Derek: ...there's much to be said for being so irrelevant...

IJD: ...that nobody would notice if your country did screw up.


Sa'ar: How did you organize that without a huddle or something?

Zeke: Let's just go inside.

Derek: Without knowing any more about the situation?

Zeke: Sometimes you've got to punch your way through.

IJD: (I'm gonna open the door before he tries that.)

Zeke: Besides, let's face it, we're a day late. Everybody's probably gone.

(The five step inside... to find the place absolutely packed.)

Zeke: Uh... April Fool's?

IJD: Wow, look at 'em all!

Derek: They don't look like experts. But I guess we don't either.

Sa'ar: (putting on a "+5 Expert" pin) Speak for yourself.

Scooter: Looks like everybody's just mingling.

Zeke: On the second day of the conference? Shouldn't the icebreaking part be done?

Scooter: Might be tea time.

Zeke: Aha!

Scooter: *sigh* We do have tea in Wales too, you know.


Zeke: Did you just say...

Scooter: New York.

Zeke: No, you said --

Scooter: You can't prove it.

Kriegsgräber: Well well! New arrivals!

(A big German professor type walks up to the team.)

Zeke: Uh, hi.

Kriegsgräber: Guten tag! I am Dr. Kriegsgräber of Heidelberg University.

Derek: Pleased to meet you. What do you teach?

Kriegsgräber: *preens* Not to brag, but I am among Europe's leading Shakespearean scholars.

IJD: Okay, that's an expert.

Sa'ar: Oh really? Merchant of Venice, Act 3, Scene 2. Go!

Kriegsgräber: "I pray you, tarry: pause a day or two before you hazard..."

(Sa'ar takes off his pin and puts it back in his pocket.)

Kriegsgräber: And what do you gentlemen do?

Zeke: We run different sections of a website.

Kriegsgräber: *raises eyebrow*

Zeke: A parody website.

Kriegsgräber: *even higher*

Zeke: Parodies of Star Trek, mostly.

Kriegsgräber: ...Ahem. Well, I am sure we will all benefit from your... experience.

Derek: We do video games too.

Kriegsgräber: Splendid.

(Awkward pause.)

Zeke: So what have we missed?

Kriegsgräber: Ah! Surprisingly little. Nothing, in fact.

IJD: Really? The talks haven't even started yet?

Kriegsgräber: If, indeed, there are talks. Most of us came prepared to present, but the invitations gave no hint of the conference's agenda.

Scooter: Haven't the convenors told you anything?

Kriegsgräber: They have yet to appear! The butlers providing refreshments have been the only evidence that organizers even exist!

Derek: That's funny.

Kriegsgräber: Indeed... er, where did your friends go?

(Derek's the only one still there.)

Derek: I think they heard "refreshments" and took off to find them.

Kriegsgräber: Ah. You have better manners.

Derek: I'm with them in spirit, but marriage has trained my body out of it.

Zeke: (wandering back with a drink) If there's no Dr. Pepper in heaven, give me hell, baby.

Kriegsgräber: A noble sentiment.

Zeke: Or limbo if they have diet there. Hey, look! Somebody's even later than us!

(Indeed, another straggler has just come through the door. And it's --)

Zeke: Kelonzi! Haven't seen you in a dog's age!

Kelonzi: Er... me neither. Who are you?

Zeke: Zeke.

Kelonzi: Zeke. Zeke... what, from Five-Minute Voyager?

Zeke: FiveMinute.net, actually...

Kelonzi: Well, no wonder I didn't recognize you. We've never met in person. How did you even recognize me?

Zeke: Authorial privilege. So hey, what brings you here?

Kelonzi: I got this weird invita--


(The front door slams, hard.)

Derek: Who was that?

Kelonzi: Hey, it won't open again!

Kriegsgräber: Allow me... (tries it) Oof! Indeed, Fräulein! It is locked from the outside somehow!

(Startled, the guests are haphazardly gathering at the door, including the other staffers.)

IJD: Who locked us in?

Guest 1: Check the peephole!

Guest 2: GAH! Not me, after what I saw in that movie.

Zeke: *shudder* I saw too.

Kelonzi: Forget it, I already looked. No one's there.

Kriegsgräber: We are presented with a mystery!

Zeke: Someone went to great lengths to trap us all in a house...

Scooter: But who?

Sa'ar: And what do they want?

IJD: And how long till we start dying one by one?

(Everyone glares.)

IJD: Well come on, you know it's gonna happen.


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This was originally published on June 24, 2010.

DISCLAIMER: Various copyrights are violated here. We don't mean to -- GAK!

All material © 2010, Colin Hayman.