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Sleapers, Part 6


A manifestation of Alternate Universe Week

Zeke: Come ON! What's the hold up?

IJD: It's been two minutes -- calm down, Zeke.

Zeke: Why am I the only one here who can't be patient?

Kira: The rest of us learned the talent from dealing with you.

Zeke: I fell right into that one.

Derek: Hey, somebody's coming!

(A figure approaches, with a vulture on his shoulder and waving a black flag).

Marc: Who are you?

Soon: My name is Greg Thaid, but most people call me "Soon."

Zeke: Greg "Soon" Thaid, eh? Interesting....

Kira: (snicker)

Soon: Colonel Saxon sent me to inform you that she does indeed plan to meet with you.

Derek: Terrific! When?

Soon: Soon.

Zeke: ARG!

Marc: It seems that in this world, it's the Assistance who suffers from inefficiency. I'm assuming your government is extremely expedient?

Soon: Let me put it this way: I've already gotten my tax returns from 2009.

IJD: Nice. Anyway, how soon is soon?

Soon: That's my name.

IJD: Right -- what I mean is, how long before we can meet with Colonel Saxon?

Derek: "Soon."

Soon: Yes?

Zeke: ARG!

Kira: I'm finding this irony quite refreshing.

Marc: Agreed. This is almost as fun as that world where whoopee cushions looked like pies.

Zeke: (grumble) Okay, I'm sick of waiting. (ahem) Colonel?

Saxon: Hey, what's with the hold-up?

Derek: Soon told us we had to wait to see you.

Saxon: No, no. I said "You'd have to meet us through Soon".

Soon: Yes?

Saxon: I didn't call you.

Soon: Oh.

Saxon: But Soon?

Soon: Yes?

Saxon: You're fired.

Soon: Aw.

Saxon: (ahem) Now then, how may I help you?

Zeke: We wish to evade capture.

Marc: (aside to Zeke) Do keep in mind we're asking this from an organization who hides in public parks.

Kira: Also keep in mind that last time we attempted to evade capture, it was by using the "homes" of militant hermit crab people.

Zeke: (pause) So will you help us?

Saxon: We can't right now. Maybe soon --

Soon: Yes?

Saxon: Not you, you're still fired.

Soon: Aw.

Saxon: (Ahem) Maybe shortly we'll have the time necessary to offer you assistance.

IJD: But all you're doing is picking strawberries!

Derek: Hey, don't criticize.

Saxon: This is just a cover for our more covert operations.

Kira: I see. So you won't help us?

Saxon: Afraid not.

Zeke: We're screwed.

Kira: Yep, we're screwed.

Iron Voice: Yep, you're screwed.

(Long pause.)

Iron Voice: You're screwed.

Marc: It was behind the tree.

Iron Voice: It was behind the tree.

(Windham steps out from behind the tree.)

IJD: Now they can see us.

Iron Voice: Now we can see you.

Derek: You can give it up, we know it's just you, Windham.

Windham: I can give up, you know it's just... argh.

(Twenty uniformed officers step out from behind various other trees.)

Windham: You see, I'm not actually a secret member of the anti-government Assistance movement. I'm a member of the "Thunk Police." The seven of you --

Soon: Aw.

Windham: -- are under arrest.

Kira: Eighth! This is the eighth time!

(In response, twenty Assistance fighters step out of the strawberry patch.)

Saxon: You say that you are my judge. I don't know if you are, but --

Windham: Yeah, yeah.

(The inevitable shoot-out erupts in the park)

Zeke: Crap! What do we do?

Marc: Probably what we should've done in the first place -- we use our toaster to go elsewhere.

Zeke: Good plan.

(After a second's worth of tinkering, a portal appears on the edge of the park. The Sleapers enter, and leave the Mirror Universe denizens to do what they do best -- killing each other off)


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This was originally published on June 20, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: Yes, we're still breaking a few copyrights. Coincidentally, we're still insane. Now go fetch me my hunting rifle, it's cabbage season.

All material © 2003, IJD GAF.