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Sleapers, Part 5

by Marc Richard

A manifestation of Alternate Universe Week

Windham: By all rights, I should be turning you over to the authorities.

Zeke: But we haven't done anything! Except for that brief part involving the sidewalk.

IJD: Very brief.

Derek: Hardly worth mentioning. Especially to the police.

Windham: Not you. I was talking about her.

Kira: (rolls eyes) Oh, great. Someone else who wants to burn me at the stake. I'm starting to develop a Joan of Arc complex.

Marc: Well, you did claim to hear voices not long before we got pulled into these portals.

Kira: I was talking about the new headset I bought for my cellphone! Just my luck that it was Zeke and his now-infamous "Hey, guys, come on over -- I've got something to show you that will blow you away" call.

Zeke: You're never going to let me live that down, will you?

Kira: Assuming we ever get back home alive, no.

Windham: Ahem. I believe that I was making a threat here.

IJD: Sorry -- we got distracted. Where were we?

Marc: Someone was probably going to ask why Kira's the only one in trouble with the law.

Zeke: Good idea. Who should we assign the job to?

(Kira pokes Zeke with a stick)

Zeke: Ouch! Okay, I can take a hint. (to Windham) Why is Kira the only one in trouble with the law?

Windham: Isn't it obvious? She's Good Kira. That kind of goes against the grain around here, legally speaking. Antisocial behaviour and that sort of thing.

Marc: Specifically consisting of what, in her case?

Windham: She's made it her mission in life to root out and expose graft and corruption in our society! A pretty easy job, given how much there is of it, but a dangerous and illegal one.

Kira: So I'm considered a subversive outlaw here?

Windham: I'm afraid so.

IJD: That's only fair. Remember when we ended up in the world where the other four of us were chained and dressed in skimpy clothes and nearly got sold off to some wealthy businesswoman's harem just because we're guys?

Zeke: Don't remind me. (glares at Kira)

Kira: Oh, be a good sport. You're just mad because I sat in the front row of the auction house.

Zeke: No, I'm mad because you whistled and stamped your feet twice as loud as all those other women did.

IJD: And let's not even mention the chanting.

Zeke: I know. If I live to be a hundred, I'll never forget that blood-curdling cry, "Girlz Rool! Girlz Rool!"

Marc: I think you're confusing it with our visit to the world where everyone talks like valley girls.

Zeke: My mistake.

Windham: Well I'm getting confused too. The four of you are supposed to be model evil citizens. (nods towards Kira) Are you actually friends with this...this...ethical agitator?

Marc: Yes. As we've said, despite what we look like we're not who we seem to be! You must believe us!

Windham: I'm starting to.

Marc: You are?

Windham: Yes, luckily for you I rented the video of "The Prisoner of Zenda" last night, so I'm convinced.

IJD: Hey, wait a minute. A few minutes ago, you said "I should be turning you over to the authorities." Were you implying that you're not actually going to do it?

Windham: Yes, and you were pathetically slow to pick up on that subtle hint. (lowers voice to a conspiratorial whisper) The truth is that I'm a secret member of the anti-government Assistance movement.

Zeke: Don't you mean "Resistance"?

Windham: That's not what we call it.

Marc: Mirror universe, Zeke -- get it?

Derek: It's shatteringly obvious that it went right by him.

IJD: Maybe if he'd had a bit more time for reflection he would have caught on.

Zeke: Can we get back on track, people? We've found someone who can help us evade capture! Or at least help Kira, since she's the only one in trouble here, while the rest of us can obviously get by in this society on the strength of our looks.

(Kira pokes Zeke with a stick again)

Zeke: Ouch! Sorry -- I didn't mean it that way. (to Windham) Will you help us make contact with the Assistance?

Windham: Well, I don't have that kind of authority. I'll take you to see Colonel Saxon and let her decide.

Kira: Who?

Windham: She's our local unit leader. Now there's a Joan of Arc figure for you! A fearless warrior who has renounced all thoughts of marriage to dedicate herself to The Cause!

Derek: Sounds like the kind of woman I'd like to meet. Where can we find her?

Windham: Right over there in that strawberry patch.

Marc: That's not much of a hiding place. It's completely out in the open.

Windham: Of course it is! That's how overground movements like ours operate!

Zeke: Then I assume that it's the government forces who hide in basements and sewers around here?

Windham: How did you guess?

Zeke: I'm starting to get a feel for this place.


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This was originally published on June 19, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: Yes, we're still breaking a few copyrights. Coincidentally, we're still insane. Now go fetch me my hunting rifle, it's cabbage season.

All material © 2003, Marc Richard.