Paneldemonium, Part 8
An incursion of Time Travel Week
(As the temporal reiteration wave hits, there is a brilliant flash of light -- and the four panelists suddenly find themselves in the same room, but with time apparently running backward.)
Zeke: What the crell just happened?
Kira: I don't know, but I like that word. I'm going to start using it.
Zeke: Oh, that's right. Steal it from me. Steal it like you stole "blatch" and "spluck" and --
IJD: Guys! Can we focus, please?
Marc: IJD's right. We need to focus on figuring out what happened and where we are.
IJD: I was going to suggest focusing on cedar.
Zeke: -- and "dsokdpach" and --
Marc: Stop it! All right, let's list the major points about the situation. Point one: we're surrounded by people walking backwards. Point two: we're not talking backwards, so we haven't been affected.
IJD: Point three: "dsokdpach"?
Kira: You don't read VVS9, do you?
IJD: Why yes, I do have the wisdom not to.
Marc: I'm not counting that as point three. People, what are we going to do?
Zeke: I guess we should start stealing words from people. That'll help.
Kira: Bite me, you dsokdpach.
Zeke: Maybe I will. If time is running backwards, how long can our food hold out?
Marc: Logically, we have the advantage that rotten food will actually unspoil for us.
IJD: But it'll go unripe shortly after that.
Kira: Delightful prospects. I think I'd better eat this pear while I can.
Zeke: NO! Don't do it! That thing used to be rotten!
Kira: Eww. Good point.
Marc: Hey, wait a minute. I have a tricorder. Why didn't I think of that?
Zeke: Because, for absolutely the last time, it's a spoon.
Marc: No it isn't! I got a real one, remember? That's how we detected the temporal reiteration wave.
Zeke: The what?
Marc: The temporal reiteration wave.
Kira: The what?
Marc: The temporal reiteration wave.
(A pause; everyone looks at IJD.)
Marc: You haven't said "The what?" yet.
IJD: Why would I? I heard you the first three times.
Kira: I'll bet he was just thinking of cedar.
IJD: Was cedar! I mean, was not!
Marc: All right, I have a plan. Who here remembers the TNG episode "Timescape"?
Kira: I do! I do! It's one of my most bestest favourite episodes ever!
Marc: Do you remember, IJD?
IJD: This has what to do with the original series?
Marc: Sigh. Zeke, how about you?
Zeke: I stopped listening when I heard the T in "TNG."
Marc: All right, I'll just explain. What I'm getting at is that "Timescape" featured Geordi and others causing time to go backward and forward by using a tricorder.
Zeke: And you're suggesting that you could do that with yours?
Marc: No, I'm just reminiscing. What a great episode.
Zeke: Give me that. (presses some tricorder buttons) Hmmm... it looks like the nitrogen content in here is about 70 percent. Cool!
Kira: That's not a toy, Zeke.
Zeke: It makes little beepy noises -- it's a toy. Just a useful one. Like a guitar or a pocket fan or a pie.
IJD: (rolls eyes) Again with the cedar. I mean pie.
Zeke: Anyway, I think I can get this thing to work. All I need is....
Zeke: The instruction manual.
Marc: Oh, that I can do. I have it here in my pocket.
Zeke: Thanks. Where's the chapter on temporal -- wait a sec. This is just a slip of paper with "You're pathetic" on it.
Kira: Giving me the chance to grab the tricorder. Thanks, Marc. We make a good team.
Marc: You think so? Because 5MNG has an opening for --
Kira: No, I don't.
IJD: Figured out how to work it yet, Kira?
Kira: Yeah. Looks like all I need to do is point it at someone to turn him into a weasel. I'd point it at Zeke, but what would change?
Zeke: This time reversal thing has got to stop.
Marc: Agreed. Kira, point the tricorder at the space-time continuum.
Kira: Then what?
Marc: Then it turns into a weasel.
IJD: And all we have to do is catch the weasel and make it start going forward!
Zeke: A brilliant plan indeed, full of subtlety and wit.
Kira: Is the wit subtle?
Marc: All right, Kira. Let's do this.
Kira: Right. Um, which way is the space-time continuum?
Marc: Think about it. If you were the space-time continuum, where would you be?
Marc: Let me rephrase that. If a normal person were the space-time continuum, where would he be?
IJD: He wouldn't be very normal if he were --
Kira: Oh, the crell with this. (points the tricorder straight up and activates it)
Zeke: AAAAA! It's going to rain weasels!
Marc: And me without my weasel umbrella.
Kira: Wait, I think I've got it now. Hang on....
Host: Hi, and welcome to the Late Late Early Late Early Show!
(Applause from the audience members, who are robots with hands programmed only to clap.)
Host: Thanks, you're too kind. With us today we have --
Kira: HEY! You're alive again!
Host: Huh? Of course I'm --
Kira: DIE! (begins viciously attacking the host)
IJD: Good to see that everything's back to normal.
Marc: Indeed. Time has resumed its forward course and all is well.
Host: AAAAA! For Shkrod's sake, someone HELP me!
Zeke: Yup. All is well.
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Comments? Complaints? Contact Zeke.
DISCLAIMER: Yes, we know we're breaking a few copyrights. It's okay because we're insane. Which reminds us, cabbages roam freely in the twilight.
All material © 2002, Colin Hayman.