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Paneldemonium, Part 1
by Zeke
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An incursion of Time Travel Week |
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(Theme music of some sort.)
Host: Hi, and welcome to the Late Late Early Late Early Show! (Applause from the audience members, who are robots with hands programmed only to clap.) Host: Thanks, you're too kind. With us today we have four very special guests. First, there's Kevin Costner.... Zeke: No there isn't. Host: Right up until you said that, they might have believed me. Way to go, you son of a blatch. I've lost them for good now. (Applause.) Host: Anyway, this is our first guest, Zeke. Zeke: Star of stage and screen. Host: Whatever. Next, we have Colonel Ki-- Kira: Oh no you don't! It's just Kira! Kira, God damn you! (starts whaling on the host) IJD: Uh oh. I think he's dead. (Applause.) Zeke: Great, Kira. You've killed the host. Now what do we do? Marc: We could clap. It seems popular around here. Kira: Hmm... would you guys excuse me for a minute? Bloodstains, ya know. Marc: While she's gone, we may as well get the panel discussion going. Zeke, you want to weigh in first? Zeke: 150 pounds on a good day. Marc: Fine, I'll start. To begin with, I've always believed that the separation issue is highly distorted by -- IJD: Separation issue? Zeke: Marc, are you talking provincial politics again? Marc: If you have a better idea of what we're supposed to talk about, I'd like to hear it. Zeke: Pie. Kira: That's your answer to everything. I'm back, by the way. IJD: I thought we were just discussing panels. Marc: Welcome back, Kira. Do you have any thoughts on the matter? Kira: What's the matter? Marc: Nothing. I'm fine. Kira: No, I mean, what's this "the matter" you're talking about? IJD: I've always been partial to cedar, myself. Marc: I mean the topic of discussion. Which could actually be pie for all we know. Zeke: (glaring) Way to kill the host, Kira. Kira: Thank you, I thought so. Marc: Let's be sensible here. The audience should know what the topic is, right? (Applause.) Zeke & Kira: Thank you! Thank you! (bowing) Marc: Egos that big are required by law to be kept on leashes, you know. IJD: Because cedar has that whole cedar smell thing going on. Kira: Is IJD trying to say something? He seems slower than usual. Marc: That's hard to believe. (Silence.) Marc: What? Can't I be mean sometimes too? Zeke: No. Can we get back on topic? Kira: We don't know what the topic is! IJD: Not to mention the cedar look. Oo, baby. Kira: Okay, I really think something's wrong with him. Marc: Maybe something's wrong with YOU. Zeke: Marc, just give it up. You can't be mean and you know it. Marc: (sulking) Masticate me. Kira: I think he's been temporally slowed down. Like "Wink of an Eye," but the other way. Zeke: Oh, that's just great! HE gets to do the nasty with some kind of hyperaccelerated queen alien now! Kira: I said "the other way." Zeke: You mean it's a king alien? Okay, jealousy withdrawn. IJD: Like cedar-patterned wallpaper. Or mirrors painted over with some kind of cedar paint. Kira: I'm worried about him. And I bet we'd detect chronoton particles if we had tricorders. Marc: I have one. Zeke: That's a spoon. Marc: I'm going back to sulking now. Zeke: Whatever. I think we need to ot deen ew kniht I .revetahW :ekeZ Kira: That was very disturbing. Zeke: What?tahW :ekeZ Kira: That.tahT :ariK :ekeZ ....parc hO IJD: In conclusion, I like cedar. (Applause.) TO BE CONTINUED.... |
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DISCLAIMER: Yes, we know we're breaking a few copyrights. It's okay because we're insane. Which reminds us, cabbages roam freely in the twilight. All material © 2002, Colin Hayman. |