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Five-Minute "Mental As Anything"

by Derek Dean

Katoya: Welcome to my class. In this booth you will fight TO THE PAIN!
Crichton: Right, right. And is this where we say we haven't heard of "to the pain" and you get to quote the Princess Bride to us?
Katoya: No, it's really to the pain. A demonstration, Scorpius?
Crichton: Demonstration? You didn't even do anything to him.
Katoya: I know. He'll be hard to beat.

D'Argo: Sniff sniff. Macton? MACTON! You killed my wife! Prepare to die!
Macton: Why would I kill my own sister? It was you who killed her! You prepare to die!
Crichton: Geez, I've heard of fighting with your in-laws, but isn't this a bit too literal?

Lo'Laan: D'Argo hasn't hurt me. He's a good person.
Macton: You have a black eye.
Lo'Laan: I fell.
Macton: And a bloody lip.
Lo'Laan: I fell and hit a table on my way down.
Macton: And your blood is mixed with D'Argo's.
Lo'Laan: He fell with me.

Katoya: John Crichton, will you join me in my chamber ... OF CHAIRS?
Crichton: Chairs? Is that some obscure reference I'm supposed to somehow magically understand? Because people who do stuff like that make me sick.
Crichton: And why did all of you just smack your foreheads?

Macton: D'Argo killed his wife.
Crichton: No, you killed her.
Macton: No, D'Argo did it but he didn't know he did it. He might've blacked out during hyperrage.
Crichton: Look, Macton Echolls, D'Argo Kane may have fits, but he didn't kill Lilly!
Macton: Lo'Laan!
Crichton: Whatever.

Lo'Laan: Oh no! D'Argo, it's another hyperrage!
D'Argo: IT IS NOT!
Power: GAK!
Lo'Laan: Oh great, and now the power's out.

D'Argo: What he said is partially true. Blackouts can occur if the hyperrage keeps Luxans from paying their electric bill.
Crichton: And that happened?
D'Argo: Frequently, but I never hit Lo'Laan. Heck, half of the time I couldn't see her, even if I'd wanted to.

Rygel: Must... kill... Charrid.
Charrid: Must... kill... Hynerian.
Crichton: Rygel won! Hooray!
Katoya: Unfortunately, all his efforts have left him unconscious.
Crichton: A double victory!

Lo'Laan: D'Argo? D'Argo, are you all right?
D'Argo: Yeah, I guess I must have hit my head on the table again.
Lo'Laan: We probably should move it. You bled on me again.
D'Argo: But I didn't hurt you, did I? I want to be clear on that.
Lo'Laan: No, D'Argo, you didn't hurt me; you couldn't hurt me. Now is everything as clear as blood?

Crichton: So, can you let me out of this fiery box? Or at least get Meshach and Abednego out so I can have more room?
Katoya: Sure. Just catch this key before it melts in the fire.
Key: HISSSSS....
Crichton: I hate you.

Scorpius: I have come to make three requests.
Katoya: And they are?
Scorpius: To see thee more clearly -- no wait, to torture Crichton more intensely, to separate D'Argo and Macton more thoroughly, to know the weird creature that attacked Crichton's family more intimately. Will you do these for me?
Katoya: Not all at once, but yes, I think so. Day by day.

D'Argo: I'm thinking about killing Macton, but his lies are getting to me. What should I do?
Crichton: Hm. I don't know; let's think about it. Oh, I know. You should GET ME OUT OF HERE BEFORE I BECOME THANKSGIVING DINNER!
D'Argo: No, no, I meant about Macton.
Crichton: D'Argo, you know what you have to do. The question is, are you man enough to macton it?

D'Argo: Can you help me remember what happened during my hyperrages?
Katoya: I don't do mind melds.
D'Argo: Crap.
Katoya: But I can do risky mind games. Painful risky mind games.
D'Argo: Bring it on.

Lo'Laan: Hiya! We're figments of your past come to manifest ourselves to you. Like the Ghost of Christmas Past.
D'Argo: Why have you brought me here?
Lo'Laan: You exist here.
D'Argo: Figures. So did I hurt you during my hyperrages?
Lo'Laan: Only in the physical sense.

Katoya: Mental GAK!
D'Argo: Ha! You ducked out first! Now who can't take the pain, huh? Wait, Macton? What are you doing in my mind?
Macton: It's time for me to show my true colors.
D'Argo: Pink?
Macton: That's only whenever I want to appear as my sister to confuse you.
D'Argo: Boy, this memory trip stuff gets more and more disturbing.

Macton: It is time for you to be chained, Ebeneezer D'Argo.
D'Argo: Nooooooo!
Macton: Face it, you killed my sister. Now wallow in your misery and hyperrage. Wallow... TO THE PAIN!

D'Argo: --GGGGHHey, wait a minute! I didn't kill my wife.
Macton: Okay, okay, that's how it could've happened. But how about this?
Lo'Laan: Oh happy dagger! This is thy sheath.
Lo'Laan: There rust and let me die.

D'Argo: Oh please. I hadn't even heard of Shakespeare back then.
Macton: Okay, okay, here's what really happened.
Macton: I hate D'Argo, so I'm going to bury him.
Lo'Laan: I'll stab you!
Macton: Gasp! Backstabber!
Lo'Laan: Gasp! Sidestabber!

D'Argo: Well, my work here is done! Done... TO THE PAIN!

Scorpius: It turns out that the creature that attacked your family is a skreeth. Probably one of the leftover allies of the Shadows. Good to know, isn't it, Crichton? ...Crichton? ...We did get Crichton out of the furnace, right?
D'Argo: Frell.
(The Lo'La goes back for Crichton at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on March 25, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by The Jim Henson Company. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the world they created. I don't think Jim and his muppets would mind.

All material © 2006, Derek Dean.