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Five-Minute "Prayer"

by Zeke

A manifestation of Alternate Universes Week

Aeryn: Are you there, Sebacean God? It's me, Aeryn... I don't think you exist, which is good because you're supposed to be evil, but hey, the apostrophe is a useful narrative device. So, um, yeah, help, and stuff. Thanks.

Crichton: ...at which point I wound up on this bad photocopy of Moya and ran into Stark.
Scorpius: The iron man?
Crichton: Iron mask guy, yeah. And I heard him mention Katratzi.
Scorpius: That's a new one on me. Certainly nothing I once tortured the real Stark over.
Crichton: I believe you. So here's the deal: I go back to that Moya, bringing you for some reason, and we ask Stark 2 where Katratzi is. Should be a walk in the park.
Scorpius: And you're really going to give me your wormhole knowledge for this?
Crichton: Well, sure. What harm could you possibly do with it?

Aeryn: Sebacean God? Hello? I really need some help h--
Captain Jenek: Knock knock.
Aeryn: Who's there?
Jenek: FRY, PEACEKEEPER SCUM. (fires heat blast)
Aeryn: I... hate... Scarran... jokes....

D'Argo: John, this is crazy! No more so than your usual plans, but still!
Crichton: Calm down -- the voices in my head will guide me through the wormhole. Does that sound insane to you?
Chiana: Bringing Scorpius is insane all on its own!
Scorpius: Crichton knows he can trust me. He and I have sworn a blood vow.
D'Argo: Is that true, John?
Crichton: Well, he did have his fingers crossed....
Scorpius: For the last time, that's part of the vow.

Nurse: You must tell Jenek what he needs to know soon. He's only using the jokes as an icebreaker.
Aeryn: A Sebacean never betrays her people to the Scarrans! ...Present company excepted.
Nurse: My working here isn't about treachery, it's about survival. I'm just the type who can't survive without treachery.
Aeryn: And all this time Rygel thought he was alone.

Wormhole: You again? I just got rid of you.
Crichton: Yeah, I need to go to the alternate Moya.
Wormhole: But that's a silly place.
Crichton: I'm aware.
Wormhole: All right, all right. Come along. Doo de doo de doo, traveling through the -- DETOUR! Mwahahaha!
Crichton: I hate smart@$$ wormholes.

Scorpius: We're lost.
Crichton: Shut up.
Scorpius: (pause) It didn't work. We're still lost.
Crichton: Shut up! I'm trying to concentrate here.
Scorpius: You're doing a crossword puzzle!
Crichton: Helps me concentrate.

Jenek: Answer me! Why did the Hynerian cross the --
Nurse: Jenek, stop! I've discovered that she's pregnant.
Jenek: What? Then the child must be Crichton's!
Aeryn: Why are you assuming that?
Jenek: I am a devoted J/A shipper.

Crichton: Crichton's Log, Supplemental. After a quick detour to some sort of world without shrimp, we've now reached the target universe.
Scorpius: Your infantile obsession with Star Trek is misplaced, John.
Crichton: Oh?
Scorpius: Yes. There is a better alternative: my own critically-acclaimed franchise, Scor Trek.
Crichton: What definition of "critically-acclaimed" are we using here?
Scorpius: Those who failed to acclaim it are in critical condition.

Rygel: They're taking too long. I say we leave immediately.
Chiana: How can you say that?
Rygel: I always say that. What's the situation again?
Sikozu: I agree with Rygel.
D'Argo: I think it's safe to say no one intelligent cares what you think. Anyway, why are you pushing the option where we abandon Scorpius? You're constantly mooning over him.
Sikozu: Yes, but I can't bring myself to agree with you ostensibly "good" characters.

Jenek: This is perfect. If the child is Crichton's, we can recover his wormhole knowledge from its DNA.
Nurse: An excellent plan, Captain.
Aeryn: Does either of you know even one single thing about science?
Jenek: Allow me to answer you with a heat blast.

Scorpius: Explain this AU to me again, John.
Crichton: Each of the crew is a blend of two real Moya crew, and Crais is coming to kill them all shortly. Noranti is Rygel...
Norygel: Hi.
Crichton: Sikozu is Stark...
Starkozu: Hi.
Crichton: And I don't want to know what that thing is.
DRD'Argo: Shut up.

Aeryn: Helloooo? Sebacean God? Little help here?
Morrock: You're new. What are you in for?
Aeryn: They want my baby. You?
Morrock: I can melt metal, and not the whiny Jool way. So they're making me have babies.
Aeryn: I'm getting sick of all the baby talk around here.

Starkozu: I swear, I've never heard of Katratzi!
Crichton: But I heard you say it! You were crossing someone over...
Starkozu: Well, I do sometimes recover odd memories when I help dying people.
Scorpius: Oh reeeeally? I'll be right back.
Crichton: Now where could he possibly be going?

Nurse: There, I've injected Aeryn with truth serum.
Jenek: We must test it. Prisoner: how many Nebari does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Aeryn: Just one if it's Chiana. She can screw anything.
Jenek: The serum works. Who is the father of your child?
Aeryn: Anybody but Crichton. I can't stand him.
Jenek: LIES! J/A is forever! Forever! (blasts Aeryn)
Nurse: Maybe you're not the best one to conduct this interrogation.

Norygel: Whatever this is about, make it quick. I have two characters' worth of disgusting bodily functions to get back to.
Scorpius: May I borrow your gun, John? Thank you.
Norygel: GAK!
Crichton: Hey! That was a horrible, unconscionable act! Now Stark, do your thing while the corpse is warm.
Starkozu: I can't! It has to be someone I love, like Chiana!
Scorpius: Oh reeeeally? John, let's go.
Crichton: Now where could he possibly be taking me?

Morrock: You don't have to keep enduring this. I've saved up enough sleeping pills to kill us both.
Aeryn: Those look like M&Ms.
Morrock: Well, they're not.
Aeryn: Because they have little Ms on --
Morrock: They're not!

Pilot: (over the comm) Grayza's ship is approaching at long range.
D'Argo: What the--? The wormhole is already slowly destabilizing! Why do we need another ticking clock?
Sikozu: To tell time with?
D'Argo: Jool was so much better than you.

Nurse: If the baby's father isn't Crichton, who is it?
Aeryn: The guy I worked for as an assassin. I'm kind of addicted to on-the-job romances.
Jenek: Tell me his name!
Aeryn: So you can check if the DNA matches?
Jenek: So I can hunt him down and destroy him for interfering with J/A!

Aeryiana: Mmmmph...
Scorpius: She's cute. At least one character combination turned out all right.
D'Argool: John! What are you doing with Chiana?
Crichton: Umm... bondage?
D'Argool: Plausible, but I'm still going to kill -- GAK!
Crichton: Blast! We shouldn't have had to shoot that one.
Scorpius: She was half Jool and half D'Argo -- I consider it an act of mercy.

Jenek: The DNA did not match! You lied!
Nurse: Crichton is the father, isn't he?
Aeryn: I'm telling you, when I left Moya I got completely over Crichton. I couldn't care less about him.
Nurse: If your plan is to make Jenek commit suicide, I must admit it's probably going to work.

D'Argo: All right, fine. We'll vote on it. All in favour of running?
Sikozu and Rygel: Aye.
D'Argo: All in favour of staying?
Chiana, Pilot, and Moya: Aye.
D'Argo: Then it's settl-- wait. Where's Noranti?
Noranti: (over the comm) I was going to vote Perot.

Aeryiana: C'mon, John, don't do this!
Crichton: Look, I know it's hard to believe, but you're going to die anyway when Crais gets here. It's not like I brought a high-ranking Peacekeeper who could order him to turn around.
Aeryiana: But I'm -- I'm too cute to die!
Crichton: Sigh... she's right. I can't do it.
Scorpius: Very well. On an unrelated topic, may I borrow your gun again?
Crichton: Okay. But what could you possibly be planning to --
Aeryiana: GAK!
Crichton: Scorpius, you unpredictable fiend!

Jenek: For the last time, who is the father? And why did he cross the road?
Aeryn: Arrrrrrrrrrgggggg-- all right, fine! It was Crichton! Happy?
Jenek: Ecstatic! Woohoo! Wheee! Hooray!
Nurse: Sigh... I had hoped to live my life without seeing a Scarran skipping around and grinning.

Starkozu: Hello, and welcome to Crossing Over. I'm your host, Sikozu the Stark, and this is my random stream of gibberish.
Crichton: I think I prefer how the real Stark does this stuff.
Starkozu: Katratzi... artificial moon... Trilask...
Scorpius: Perfect! I know the Trilask system -- it's where my publishing company is based.
Crichton: What do you need a publishing company for?
Scorpius: Why, my autobiography, of course. I have a copy right here.
Crichton: Hello, John: Memoirs of a Scorpius. Sweet frell, this thing is 936 pages long!
Scorpius: What did you think I was doing in my cell on Moya?

Morrock: Psssst... I've conveniently broken free so we can do that suicide thing. Have some pills.
Aeryn: Mmm, chocolaty. Thank you.
Morrock: So, just out of innocent curiosity... is Crichton the father?
Aeryn: Bring your neck within choking range and I'll whisper the answer.
Morrock: Sure. GAK!
Aeryn: Jenek's spies suck.

Scorpius: Well, we're done here. Let's go.
Crichton: How can it not bother you that we've killed three people?
Scorpius: John, none of that matters! They were guaranteed to die when Crais --
Crais: (over the comm) Prisoners on Moya, you are outnumbered and outgunned. Prepare to be taken into custody... hey, a planet with shiny rings! I'm gonna go check that out. See ya.
Crichton: Ahem.
Scorpius: All right, I admit it. I was just bitter that none of these characters were half me.

Chiana: Hooray! You made it back!
Crichton: Whoa, is that Grayza's ship? We've got to get out of here!
D'Argo: We're bringing you aboard as quickly as --
Grayza: (over the comm) Prisoners on Moya, you are ordered to... hey, a planet with shiny rings! See ya.
Crichton: On second thought, what's our rush?

Aeryn: Sebacean God? If you're listening, I'd just like to say I hate you. That is all.
Sebacean God: Hey, wait! Don't hang up! I was just in the shower!
Aeryn: For an entire episode?
Sebacean God: You dare to question the shower habits of a god?
Aeryn: Wait, I didn't mean to offend --
Sebacean God: Too late. You can find some other deity, missy.
Aeryn: Nuts.
(The prison ship heads for Katratzi at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on August 4, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by The Jim Henson Company. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the world they created. I don't think Jim and his muppets would mind.

All material © 2003, Zeke.