Five-Minute "Durka Returns"
by FatMatDuhRat

Zhaan: Pilot! Don't you know how to fly Moya?
Pilot: Of course I do!
Crichton: Then why are we about to hit that ship?
Pilot: What sh-- (WHAM!)

Aeryn: What'd you do now, John?
Crichton: It wasn't me, Pilot did it.
Rygel: Shut up, both of you! I'm angry enough to kill.
Durka: Howdy y'all.
Rygel: GRRR-ARG! (leaps on him) DIE! DIEDIEDIE!

Aeryn: That can't be Durka. He'd be over 150 cycles in age.
Rygel: I recognize him, he tortured me!
Crichton: But he's just a harmless old man now.
Salis: Yup. That's because we've severely screwed around with his brain.
Crichton: Gee, I sure hope that never happens to me.

Salis: You've damaged our ship, now help us guard this extremely dangerous criminal.
Crichton: Okay, sure. She's just a skinny little gray-skinned girl -- how much trouble can she be?

Crichton: So what'd you do?
Chiana: Let me out of this cell and I'll tell you.
Salis: Tsk-tsk. Naughty Nebari. (touches forehead) BZZZZT!
Chiana: Owie, ow-ow! ARGH! The pain!

Rygel: (playing with a knife) Oh how I love this sharp, pointy, painful piece of metal.
Aeryn: What're you doing?
Rygel: Nothing! And I wasn't conspiring to carve my initials in Durka's hide.
Aeryn: Suuuure you weren't.

Crichton: Okay, Smurfette, it's time to eat.
Chiana: Yum! What've you got?
Crichton: All we have is crack. Ers.
Chiana: Never heard of it.
Crichton: You need to read more Farscape fivers.

Crichton: I hope Rygel doesn't attack you again.
Durka: Indeed, that would be quite unfortun--
Rygel: Huzzah! Rygel 1, Durka 0!
Durka: GRRR! ARGH! You didn't count the last time I tortured you!
Rygel: (choking) My... bad....

D'Argo: Here ya go, Rygel. I hope you're comfy in this cell.
Chiana: Since you're locking him up, why not let me out?
Salis: BZZZZT!
Chiana: AIEEEE!

Pilot: Good news, everyone! Moya wasn't hurt by the explosion.
Salis: I still say that we should wipe the little toad's mind.
Zhaan: Shut up! What for?
Salis: To erase his hostility.
Zhaan: Shut up! I mean... oh really? (nervous laugh)

Chiana: Ah-HA! (stuffs pillow over mouth) All right, Muppet Boy, help me get off this ship.
Rygel: Mmph! (muffled) Can't... breathe...
Chiana: What was that? (lifts pillow)

Pilot: Everybody spread out and look for the Nebari girl.
Crichton: Hey! I found the Nebari guy, but he's covered in sticky blue stuff that's leaking out of his body.
Aeryn: Pilot, open up the morgue.
Crichton: But I'm not dead!
Aeryn: Don't tempt me into changing that.

Durka: Did I hear that Salis is dead?
Rygel: Yeah! And you'll be next.
Durka: Oh... boo hoo!
Aeryn: Awww... there, there.
Durka: NO! Here--(SMACK!)
Aeryn: OOF!
Durka: Here--(CRACK!)
Rygel: OUCH!

Durka: Hello Rygel.
Rygel: (GASP!) You cut off all your hair!
Durka: Thank you for giving me back my bad brains.
Aeryn: (groan) Oh....
Durka: Ah! Officer Sun is awake.
Aeryn: (mutter... mumble)
Durka: What was that?

Durka: Why won't Moya starburst?
Rygel: Because she's pregnant, you frellnik!
Aeryn: I guess this means you don't want to put that hot piece of metal near my face, eh?
Durka: What, are you kidding me? I haven't hurt someone in 100 years -- I'm just getting warmed up!

Crichton: Yo Chiana! You in here?
Chiana: Ah-HA! Gotcha!
Crichton: Nope -- (flips her onto the ground) You weigh less than Rygel.
Chiana: OOF! Well... I was wondering when you were gonna sweep me off my feet.
Crichton: (taps her nose) Lame!

Chiana: Don't shoot!
Durka: Talk or die.
Chiana: I know where Moya's baby is. Just follow me into this dark, smoke-filled room.
Durka: Yeah right! (BLAM!)
Chiana: OW! My arm! That really hurts!
Crichton: Nice going, now I have to be the hero again.

Crichton: Yo Durk-man, wait up!
Durka: (BLAM! POW!) No.
Crichton: Yikes! C'mon now, I just wanna talk.
Durka: Fine, we'll chat after I use my ship to blast Moya's baby.
Crichton: Try one of Rygel's bombs instead.
Durka: ARGH! I shall hunt you down and kill you!
Crichton: Get in line, tough guy.
Durka: (falls into space) Curse you Crichtonnnnnnn....!

Aeryn: Here's your knife back.
Rygel: Thank y-OW! Next time hand it to me with the dull side sticking out.

Chiana: So... can I stay?
Crichton: Only if you follow the rules.
Chiana: Do any of them mention having sex with the big guy with the tentacles?
Crichton: Ewww, I hope not.
(Moya starbursts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 18, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by The Jim Henson Company. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the world they created. I don't think Jim and his muppets would mind.

All material © 2003, FatMatDuhRat.