Five-Minute "DNA Mad Scientist"
by Merlin Missy

Crichton: Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a... I was kidding! I was kidding!
Namtar: Okay, since this is the ninth episode, everyone knows there's no chance we're gonna send Astronut here home.
Crichton: Darn.
Namtar: However, since the rest of you don't have top billing in the credits, we can at least tease you with the chance. I'll give you a map if you....
(Scary Death Music)
Namtar: ....cut off Pilot's arm.
D'Argo: I've got my knife.
Zhaan: I'll hold him still.
Rygel: I'll float nearby and be smarmy.
D'Argo: Wait a sec, aren't you supposed to be the moral center of the show, Zhaan?
Zhaan: You apparently haven't read ahead in your scripts, have you?

Pilot: Why are you three smiling at me?

Crichton: Don't you want to go home?
Aeryn: You mean back to the service I went AWOL from after they were going to kill me for talking to you?
Crichton: Oh. Forgot. Sorry. Hey, you could come home with me. You know, when we end the show and I actually get to return to Earth.
Aeryn: What do you think this is? Voyager?

Rygel: We got you your arm. Now about that map....
Namtar: Here you go.
D'Argo: Nice try. This is a map of downtown Albuquerque.
Rygel: What is this "Albuquerque?"
Zhaan: There are dark places no one should travel....
Namtar: My bad. Try this CD-ROM instead. Decoding it should take you the rest of the episode.
All: Yay.

Aeryn: Okay, I'm abandoning my earlier convictions for the sake of plot. Poke me.
Namtar: Not in the American release, my dear.
(Namtar pulls out big hypodermic with ACME Mutagen written on the side in bright red letters)
Namtar: Now this won't hurt a bit. And it won't mutate you into a Pilot or anything.
Aeryn: What?
Namtar: Nothing.

Zhaan: So what are you going to do when you get home?
Rygel: Depose my cousin. Probably kill him and everyone who helped him depose me.
D'Argo: Feast. Drink. Look for my kid. Maybe kill something. You?
Zhaan: I was a terrorist, I mean freedom fighter, so I'll probably be getting back to that, then.
Rygel: It's a sad thing the Peacekeepers thought we were all criminals, isn't it?

Aeryn: I don't feel so good.

D'Argo: What do you mean "incompatible?"
Zhaan: The CD-ROM isn't compatible with our operating system.
Rygel: So we're not going home.
Pilot: Neener neener neener.

Aeryn: I really don't feel so good.

D'Argo: So we can decode one third of the disk, and conveniently, the rest gets destroyed.
Rygel: Pilot's got two more arms. This is workable.
Zhaan: Who am I going to have to sleep with to convince you both to go back to my world?
(Rygel grabs CD-ROM)
Rygel: Yoink!

Aeryn: I really mean it, guys. I'm not looking good here.
(Aeryn shows her mutating belly)
Crichton: Ew. Okay, let me go talk with the scientist's sidekick. I'm pretty persuasive convincing female accomplices to change their allegiance.
Aeryn: Ew.

Assistant: I used to be a beautiful scientist. I spliced genes in my home Create-a-Monster kit, and mutated Namtar into the lovable psychopathic freak he is today.
Crichton: I had a hobby, too. I used to collect stamps.
Assistant: How wonderful! I trust you now! Namtar's turning the Sebacean chick into a Pilot. Oh, and that CD-ROM has a virus on it that will erase all your files, send out spam to your entire address book, reload a new OS onto your ship while overwriting the old one, and sleep with your wife.
Crichton: Well, that's okay then. I'm not married.

Zhaan: I was kidding when I told Rygel I'd team up with him. You know you're the one I actually like.
D'Argo: I'd distrust you now except that Rygel is still the least likeable cast member, so I'll have to assume you're telling the truth on this one.
Zhaan: Great! He's locked in his quarters with the CD-ROM. Let's go yell pointlessly at him and threaten him.
D'Argo: I'm good at that.
Zhaan: This is why I'm asking you instead of the human.
D'Argo: Expositionally speaking of human-types, does Aeryn look kind of strange to you?
Zhaan: I'm being asked this by a guy with tentacles?

Aeryn: Fix me.
Namtar: No.
Aeryn: Please?
Namtar: No. But I'll hold you prisoner until you finish mutating.
Aeryn: Crap.

D'Argo: He's not in his quarters!
Zhaan: He must have escaped. We should both go in and investigate.
(Rygel zips out and locks them both in)
Rygel: You've just been outwitted by a Muppet. How dumb do you feel?

Crichton: (over the comm) Don't decode the CD-ROM!
Rygel: There's no place like home. There's no place like home.
Crichton: It's a trick! If you open it, it'll load Windows XE onto Moya's mainframe!
Pilot: Nooooooo!

Crichton: All right, Snidely Whiplash, Ah'm here ta save muh woman.
Namtar: Aren't you going to go on about Nazis?
Crichton: Oh. Right, right. Mengele. He sucked. Now let her go.
Namtar: But you'll like her better as a Pilot. Really. They have four arms and three....
Crichton: Stop right there. Please.
(Mutant-Aeryn comes out of hiding)
Crichton: Hon, we're going to have to talk make-over before we even consider getting 'shippy.

(After Dramatic Fight Scene, Namtar starts mutating back to his original form)
Namtar: Curses! Well, it's back to the lab, to plan for tomorrow night.
Assistant: Gee, Namtar, what are we gonna do tomorrow night?
Namtar: Same thing we do every night. Try to take over the....
(John steps on Namtar)
Crichton: Fix her.
Assistant: Right-o.

D'Argo: Um. So I kinda cut off your arm.
Pilot: Yep.
D'Argo: I'll play some music for you on this ancient Luxan instrument I made to try and apologize, at the same time demonstrating that I have full use of all my appendages.
(D'Argo shyly pulls out a kazoo)
Pilot: Kill me now.
(Moya starbursts off at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous fiver: That Old Black Magic
Next fiver: Durka Returns


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Merlin Missy.

Haven't seen the episode? The transcript will get you up to speed.

Site navigation:
___ Five-Minute Farscape
___ ___ Season 1
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "DNA Mad Scientist"

This fiver was originally published on October 15, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by The Jim Henson Company. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the world they created. I don't think Jim and his muppets would mind.

All material © 2002, Merlin Missy.