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Five-Minute "That Old Black Magic"

by Zeke

D'Argo: Isn't this a wonderful stage in my life? I get to visit a crowded planet in the middle of the Uncharted Terrorities to look for medicine for Rygel.
Zhaan: I've had quite enough of your whining....
D'Argo: Sometimes I ask myself, "What is it all for? What is the meaning of my existence?" Now, at last, I know the answer: my purpose, my destiny is to find medicine for Rygel. There can be no greater calling for a Luxan warrior.
Zhaan: Oh, be quiet! Why do you bother carrying a sword when you could easily kill your enemies with this sarcasm?

Igg: I know stuff about you. Come see my non-evil master or I'll tell the world.
Crichton: Oh yeah? What stuff exactly do you know?
Igg: Oh, just a few little things... such as your extensive history of watching Coronation Street....
Crichton: Lead the way.

Haloth: Welcome to my lair. My "assistant," who was not just me in disguise, is elsewhere.
Crichton: So you're a magical pixie who can give me three wishes?
Haloth: One. Budget cuts.
Crichton: Very well: I wish Crais would quit chasing me.
Haloth: Which he'll do after he kills you, right?
Crichton: Well, yeah, but... oh, crap.

Aeryn: Oh no! Crichton's down!
Zhaan: Try giving him mouth-to-mouth.
Aeryn: Why me?
Zhaan: Have you ever heard of a Crichton/Zhaan 'shipper?

Admiral Josbek: (over the comm) ....and so you are ordered to turn around and leave the Uncharted Territories, effectively ending the series. Heh heh. Right.
Teeg: I'll go set the new course.
Crais: No no, you didn't understand. That was a special order. We don't have to obey special orders.
Teeg: How can you tell the difference?
Crais: Well, special orders are the ones I don't want to --

Crais: -- follow. Hey! Where am I?
Maldis: Welcome to my lair. "Haloth," who was not just me in disguise, is elsewhere. But look who is here!
Crichton: Um... hi?
Crais: YOU! Chaaaaarge!
Crichton: This is the worst pixie-wish outcome ever.

Liko: Perhaps I can help you suckers. I was once a high priest of something.
D'Argo: Wayism?
Liko: No. But I'll gladly help your blue babe learn my techniques.
Aeryn: Wayist techniques?
Liko: No! If you want Wayism, go see that guy over there!
Rev Bem: Ohhhh no you don't. You always saddle me with the weirdos.

Aeryn: Guard Crichton's corpse-ish thing, Rygel.
Rygel: One of you had better have brought my medicine.
D'Argo: Here... this'll either cure or kill you.
Rygel: They didn't tell you which?
D'Argo: I didn't ask.

Crichton: No. Instead, I'll show my mercy by passing up a chance to kill you.
Crais: I take it that by "mercy" you mean "idiocy."
Crichton: Well, duh.

Liko: Hurt this bird.
Zhaan: Do I have to?
Liko: Yes.
D'Argo: May I?
Liko: No! Boy, are you people dense....

Crais: Uh oh -- a big circular fire. I wish I were smart enough to think of going around it.
Crichton: Well, you're not. Now allow me to explain: your brother's death was a big fat accident.
Crais: Oh? Got any evidence?
Crichton: Er, evidence... yes... um... of... course....
"Tauvo's Ghost": Crichton killed me! He killllllllllled meeeeeeee!
Crais: ARRRGH! Crichton must die!
Crichton: Crais, don't be stupid! That wasn't a real ghost....
Casper: Am too. Hey, it pays the bills.

Zhaan: I've dropped out of Liko's course. He was making me hurt stuff.
Aeryn: Good call. Wanna help D'Argo and me?
D'Argo: We're planning to go hurt stuff.
Zhaan: Sigh.

Crichton: An obstacle-filled room where we can talk without being in striking distance... is this fortress well-designed or what?
Crais: Whatever. I'll just talk about killing you.
Crichton: Look, dolt, I'll say it again: I didn't ice your brother on purpose.
Crais: Who cares? At this point I want you dead just for being your annoying, slang-filled self.

Crichton: I've figured out what you really are.
Maldis: Then put away that garlic-scented crucifix and tell me what.
Crichton: I invite you to guess.

Liko: You're back. Good. Now hurt the stupid bird already.
Zhaan: Look, can't we at least hurt someone who deserves it?
Rygel: (over the comm) You two both suck. Just thought I'd mention that.
Liko: Yes, Zhaan. Yes, we can.

Crichton: Look, can we just truce for a few minutes?
Crais: Sure.
Crichton: Good. Now -- OWW! What kind of lousy truce is this?
Crais: You said "truce"? I thought you said "slam Crichton in the face with a pipe."

Aeryn: Maybe we can get into the fortress by overloading my huge rifle.
D'Argo: Gee, great idea -- disarm yourself.
Pilot: (over the comm) You two know I'm sensitive about that word!
D'Argo: Not till next week, you imbecile!
Pilot: Ah yes. My mistake.

Rygel: This is great. One quick "funeral" and I get all of Crichton's stuff.
Crichton's Ghost: Begone! Or I shall haunt you to the end of your daaaaaaaaaaaaays!
Rygel: Casper, Casper, Casper... you'll take any job nowadays. Where's your dignity?
Casper: I gave up on that when they started making the live-action movies.

Maldis: You know, if you killed Crais, I'd let you go.
Crichton: Let's think about this, shall we? We've established that you feed on death and that I and my friends are powerless against you. Therefore, rather than killing me, of course you'd let me go. That makes perfect sense.
Maldis: Okay, so logic isn't one of my priorities.

Liko: Well, you're ready now, so let's go fight Maldis. My mind to your mind....
Zhaan: I'm getting a headache.
Liko: That's normal.

Crais: If you're finally done trying to talk sense into my big dumb head, let's finally get back to beating each other up.
Crichton: Oh, all right.
Crais: Cool. DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIE--
Crichton: Hey, where'd he go?
Maldis: Back to his ship, which I want. See, now he's guaranteed to keep chasing you.
Crichton: What? That's preposterous! Not only was he already determined to kill me, but nothing that happened here gave him any more reason to!
Maldis: Look, I told you about me and logic.

Zhaan: Fry, jerk-boy! BWAHAHAHAHA!
Maldis: Um, excuse me? I believe I'm the villain here.
Zhaan: Then who am I shooting?
Zhaan: Oh no! Sorry, John. It's been a while since I've done the "violence" thing.

Rygel: Oh crap, you're alive! I mean, welcome back.
Crichton: Are you wearing my shirt?
Rygel: Of course not. I traded for this one.
Crichton: It says IASA.
Rygel: Coincidence.

Zhaan: Uh oh... that exertion killed you for some reason.
Liko: Correction, my dear: no reason.

Teeg: Welcome back. How do you feel?
Crais: Like killing Crichton -- even more than before.
Teeg: That makes no sense, as was already explained.
Crais: Yeah, but we can't let Maldis's plan go to waste. And you die for complaining.

Aeryn: Well done, you warrior, you.
Zhaan: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Aeryn: What's with her?
D'Argo: You called her a warrior. You don't want to know what that means in her language.

Crichton: So, are you okay?
Zhaan: Shut up or I'll rip your arm off.
Pilot: (over the comm) Watch out -- she's not kidding!
(Moya starbursts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 15, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by The Jim Henson Company. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the world they created. I don't think Jim and his muppets would mind.

All material © 2002, Zeke.