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Five-Minute "Premiere"

by 4GOM

Crichton: I feel nervous.
DK: Why? It's not as if being thrown across the universe in a primitive spacecraft is going to hurt you in the least....
Jack Crichton: Quiet, DK! Why do you think we took out the revealing voiceover in the opening credits?
DK: Oh yeah....

Crichton: Dad, your accomplishments intimidate me.
Jack Crichton: Don't worry about it son. I'm so proud of you I'm gonna give you this cheap puzzle ring. And trust me, testing some crazy theory that probably will get you thrown across the universe, if not kill you, is just as good as walking on the Moon or landing on Mars or any other infinitely cool stuff I did.

Crichton: Ok guys. Here I go. Hey, what's that huge electromagnetic storm? And why is it following me? And why didn't you guys call the Weather Channel to make sure that I'd have a safe flight? AAAAAAAH!
DK: He's gone. But at least the wormhole didn't destroy Earth! That's why this shot is here, to make sure that audience realizes that Earth is still in one piece. Got it?

Crichton: This wormhole definitely isn't run by nice god-like aliens! Oh good, now I'm out. Hey, that ship just hit me. Well, at least it exploded. Gee, I hope that the pilot didn't have vengeful relatives.

Zhaan: Huh, a primitive alien ship just came out of nowhere. We'd better bring it aboard.
D'Argo: Why are you telling me this? At this point I'm still a Worf clone that doesn't care for your priestly tendencies.
Rygel: And I'm a greedy bastard.
Pilot: And I'm a distant know-it-all.
Zhaan: Well, I'm Yoda's big blue cousin, so be quiet, all of you!

Crichton: Wow, what a big ship. Hey, cool, a little yellow robot. I wonder what would happen if I pulled its eyestalk....Oh, it injects me with a virus to get around the alien language barrier. Cool.

D'Argo: I'm going to keep pulling out wires until we break free!
Zhaan: Oh yeah, what a great idea.
Pilot: We've broken free!
D'Argo: Who would have thought that escaped prisoners would have been able to actually flee the Peacekeepers?
Crichton: Whoa, hold on a sec. You're all convicts?
Zhaan: Yes but the Peacekeepers wrongfully imprisoned us. They're evil. Got it everyone? EVIL!
Crichton: Maybe you'd better knock me out. This is way too much to handle.
(D'Argo stun-tongues John)
D'Argo: Good idea. We probably should strip-search him too, to appeal to the female demographic.

Crichton: Hey, whoa. I'm naked. And there's an attractive woman over there. That should probably save some time.
Aeryn: Shut up you, I'm a Peacekeeper. Aren't you one? You certainly look like one of us.
Crichton: Well, I'm not. Were you captured too?
Aeryn: Yes, and I don't like it. Come on you, we're going to escape onto this planet the ship has just arrived at.
Crichton: Eh, I got nothing better to do anyway.

(On the planet)
Aeryn: Well, I've contacted my superior, Captain Crais. He's particularly vengeful, especially regarding anyone who might have harmed his brother.
Crichton: Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

Zhaan: John and Aeryn have escaped in her Prowler.
Rygel: Prowler? What's a Prowler?
Zhaan: A Peacekeeper attack fighter. It was in Moya's cargo bay....
Rygel: Who's Moya again?
Zhaan: A Leviathan, a living ship. She's defenseless except for Starburst, a maneuver that transports her through space and conveniently wipes her navigational database. Need any more expository details?
Rygel: Not yet, except that you should note the fact that I fart helium when I'm nervous.

D'Argo: Hah! I found you!
Crichton: Crap.
Aeryn: Have no fear - Crais is here.
Crais: Correct. Capture the Luxan and the other escaped prisoners. And especially this guy - he blew up my brother's Prowler when he came through that wormhole.
Crichton: Crap, I guess that means that you're going to be pursuing me out of vengeance for quite a while, right?
Crais: Right. And also, chain up Aeryn Sun.
Aeryn: Why?
Crais: Hello, didn't you see your name in the opening credits? You have to escape on Moya with the other prisoners.
Aeryn: Oh, right.

Crichton: Sorry for getting you captured, D'Argo. And you too, Aeryn. But don't worry, I've got a plan. It involves....
D'Argo: Ooh, let me guess! You're going to confuse the guard with your primitive toy!
Crichton: Uh, I guess that'll work too.

Zhaan: Good, all the main cast members are here. Let's StarBurst away from here, Pilot.
Pilot: Can't: Crais' ship is targeting us.
(Everyone looks at John)
Crichton: What, just because I'm the first listed cast member you all expect me to save the day?
Aeryn: Basically, yes.

Pilot: Crichton's crazy theory worked! Now you all can try to figure out ways to get back home, because we've gone into the Uncharted Territories.
Crichton: Do you think Crais will follow us?
Aeryn: Oh, undoubtedly. And because I'm still ambivalent about escaping, I might try to rejoin him.
D'Argo: You'd better not, because I'll kill you. I will never be taken prisoner again.
Rygel: Well if D'Argo does kill you, can I have your stuff?
Zhaan: Don't worry Rygel, I'll manage to domesticate D'Argo so he won't have any reason to kill anyone.
Pilot: Except me. I'll bet he takes off one of my arms one day.
Crichton: This is definitely going to be a long trip.
(Moya starbursts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on July 19, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by The Jim Henson Company. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the world they created. I don't think Jim and his muppets would mind.

All material © 2001, Gautam Hans.