Five-Minute "Dead Stop"
T'Pol: Well, another huge delay. Which characters will be doing the apology scene this time?
Archer: I'm not embarrassing myself like that again. As far as I'm concerned, this parody is business as usual.
Tucker: What, we're just gonna ignore bein' ten months late?
Archer: Exactly. It's not our fault, so why should we make a big deal? Let's just --
Sato: Captain! Whew! I got here before the meeting ended. I'm SO SORRY I'm this late for the meeting, you guys. I should have been on time. I'm so sorry.
Archer: Well, there goes that plan. Meeting dismissed.
Sato: What? What plan? Tell me! I'm really sorry....
Captain's Starlog: Last week on Enterprise, the ship took a beating escaping from a Romulan minefield, and Reed's leg got spiked. I didn't actually record a log here, but *somebody* had to provide context.
Tucker: The damage is pretty nasty. We've already lost life support in crew quarters.
Archer: At this rate, we'll lose something important in no time.
Tucker: And we don't have the money for repairs....
Archer: Which is because you spent the Engineering budget on "combs of doom."
Tucker: Darn it, they sounded cool.
Archer: I've decided it's time to start mooching off the galaxy. Send out a distress call.
Sato: Aye, sir. Standard "Help us or we'll kick your butt" message?
Archer: Er... I think we may modify it slightly, Ensign.
Reed: Come on, Doctor, it's been a week. Are these leg treatments almost done?
Phlox: I'm afraid so -- it's time to begin the amputation procedure.
Reed: You have to amputate?
Phlox: Oh, I don't have to. I'm just going to.
Tellarians: (over the comm) If you need repairs, (static) go to these coordinates....
Archer: Set a course, Travis.
T'Pol: Wait, what was that word we missed?
Archer: I doubt it was important.
Mayweather: Here we are. Looks like it's a space station.
Archer: That was a longer line than I like to hear from you, Ensign. Suggestions?
T'Pol: We could send an away team to investigate.
Archer: How would that shorten Travis's lines?
T'Pol: T'Pol to Mr. Tucker. You'd better get up here -- I'm not going on an away mission with him.
Tucker: Funny... all the monitors have Enterprise on them. That's a little worrying.
Archer: Don't be silly -- we're just popular. Yoo hoo, anyone home?
Station: Welcome to Dreadnought. Where would you like to go today?
Tucker: Captain... I think this is an evil station.
Archer: Why? Sounds to me like it wants to repair us.
Station: Affirmative. Select method of payment.
Archer: Hmmm... it's listing cash, cheque, PayPal, or the blood of our firstborn sons. Seems innocent enough.
Tucker: Why do I even bother?
Station: Please wait in the lobby while we mysteriously heal your ship.
Tucker: Hey, cool. There's a replicator in here.
Tucker: Oh. Um, "there's a stuff-maker in here."
Reed: Good Lord! My leg feels like it's healed!
Phlox: What can this mean?
Reed: Among other things, it means put the axe down.
T'Pol: Reports are in. Everything on the ship has been fixed, including the phase pistols, the slot machines, and Porthos.
Porthos: (over the comm) RUFF!
T'Pol: Just kidding. Captain, don't you think you should be more suspicious of these aliens?
Archer: What? I'm very suspicious of them.
T'Pol: Oh. Captain, don't you think you're being too suspicious of these aliens?
Tucker: Hey Malcolm. Know what I think?
Reed: No, but if it doesn't involve pecan pie, I owe Hoshi a quarter.
Tucker: Ahem. What I was thinking was that you and I should sneak onto that station and check it out.
Sato: (over the comm) No fair! You warned him!
Station Pretending to Be Archer: (over the comm) Ensign Mayweather, please report to the cargo bay for extra lines.
Mayweather: All right! No, wait a minute... that's not something the captain would say.
Station: Suspicion does not compute. Um, Travis. Also water polo.
Mayweather: Woo hoo! Extra lines!
Tucker: Sneaking, sneaking, la la la la la... hey, aren't you gonna sing along?
Reed: My heart isn't in it anymore. Last week's episode really turned me off daring adventures.
Tucker: More like ten months ago's episode --
Station: (over the comm) Alert. Violation of ignore-delay policy detected. Perpetrators will be beamed back to their ship in disgrace in five... four... three...
Tucker: Can we talk about this?
Mayweather: I'm here, sir! Wow, a shirtless scene and extra lines all in one week! Things are really looking up for --
Archer: What did you think you were DOING?
Reed: Much better now that my leg is fixed. At last that evil spike is gone for good.
Tucker: Can we really be sure it was evil? It had the potential to do good things too.
Archer: Well, it's gone! Vaporized! Dissolved! And it won't be coming back as a ghost or something, so you can both shut up about it! Dismissed!
Reed: (Wasn't he going to yell at us about something else?)
Tucker: (Shh! By the time he remembers that, we'll be homefree.)
T'Pol: Captain... I regret to inform you that there has been an accident involving Ensign Mayweather.
Archer: Oh my God! Who gave him lines?
T'Pol: He is dead.
Archer: You know what I'm waiting for.
T'Pol: (sigh) ...Jim.
Archer: Noooooo! Travis is dead!
Station: Welcome back. Please state the nature of the engineering emergency.
Archer: You killed my helmsman dead!
Station: Honestly. Do I sound to you like someone who would get involved with a pilot?
Archer: Fine, but I'm going to plot secretly against you.
Station: Be careful to make sure I don't find out.
Archer: I will.
Phlox: Ah, good, Ensign Sato. Would you mind eulogizing Mr. Mayweather while I perform the autopsy?
Sato: Sure. (ahem) Goodbye, Travis. Now we'll never get to do that episode where I get a crush on you -- and thank God, because you're a complete dsokdpach. I've seen more intelligent weedwhackers. In fact --
Phlox: That'll do, Ensign. I believe you're projecting some residual anger from being used as a mouthpiece earlier.
Sato: I feel so dirty....
Archer: So here's what we do. We break part of the ship, the station fixes it, and while it does that, we break another part. And so on.
T'Pol: ...What would the point of that be?
Archer: I feel like breaking stuff. That damn station spoiled my no-dead-crewmen record!
Reed: Then why don't we break the station itself?
Archer: Mr. Reed, it's because of insights like that that you're my right-hand man.
Tucker: I... I thought I was...
Archer: Well, you thought wrong.
Phlox: Excellent news, Captain! This isn't Mr. Mayweather.
Archer: You mean the station killed his lookalike, Anthony Montgomery?
Phlox: Yes. I mean -- arrgh. Just being around you lowers my intelligence. The point is, this corpse was replicated!
Phlox: (sigh) Stuff-maked.
Archer: Okay, new plan. We go on the station and get Travis back.
Reed: You'll need a distraction.
Archer: Thank you, right-hand man.
T'Pol: Cheer up, Commander. I have an idea for how you can help with the plan.
Tucker: As a target, right? That's what your ideas for me always are.
T'Pol: Surak taught us that predictability is a virtue.
Tucker: Hi, I'm here to distract you.
Station: Pull up a chair and ask me about my acting career.
Archer: Sneaking, sneaking, la la la la la... Subcommander?
T'Pol: For the last time, I'm not singing!
Station: ...and I was pregnant with a baby station for a while, so they had to film me in a special jacket. But what I really want is to get into some kind of directing enterprise.
Tucker: So... boring... losing... consciousness...
Station: S'okay, I think it's about time I caught on to your plan. Avast, ye swabs!
Tucker: This is where I get targeted, right?
Station: Don't worry, I'm a lousy shot. Like every villain who's ever existed.
T'Pol: A room full of semiconscious beings being tapped by this station for their energy....
Archer: Things that make you go "whoa."
T'Pol: Indeed. I have located Ensign Mayweather. Fortunately, we have exactly the amount of time required to rescue him and only him.
Archer: Whew! I hate those pesky moral dilemmas.
T'Pol: We are back on Enterprise, Mr. Reed. Commence firing.
Reed: (over the comm) Yes! Oh yes yes yes!
Archer: That boy's enthusiasm worries me sometimes. Say, we did bring Trip back too, right?
T'Pol: Though I shun emotion, I will acknowledge in this case that I passionately do not care.
Tucker: I was right behind you, and thanks for your concern....
Archer: Status report!
Reed: I only wish I could hear the sweet, sweet sounds of that station's screams.
Archer: I'll take that as a "we're clear." Get us out of here, maximum warp!
T'Pol: Mr. Mayweather is not yet present, so I will enter the course.
Archer: Travis handled that stuff? I always thought I was talking to a guy called Maximum Warp.
Phlox: Congratulations, Ensign. You'll make a full recovery.
Mayweather: What about the others who were stolen like me?
T'Pol: You must understand there was exactly, exactly the right amount of --
Mayweather: Whatever, I don't really care. I was just speaking. Yes, it took a lot of deadly peril, but I got my extra lines! Wha-hah!
Archer: ...Are you trying to convince us you're not the real Travis?
Station: Regenerating, regenerating, la la la la la....
(The station regenerates at Mysterious Speed)
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___ Five-Minute Enterprise
___ ___ Season 2
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "Dead Stop"
DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.
All material © 2003, the day Hell froze over, Zeke.