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Five-Minute "A Night in Sickbay"

by Zeke

Archer: Stupid harsh Kreetassan meanies.
T'Pol: They are merely defending their priggish society, sir.
Sato: Well, I think -- okay, that's it. I cannot take this seriously. We're standing half-naked rubbing gel on each other and a DOG? What is this?
Phlox: (over the comm) You're all decontaminated now except Porthos. He has to stay.
Sato: It's crazy! It doesn't make any sense! It -- ARRGH!
T'Pol: She is unconscious. We may now speak freely.
Archer: Good. Doctor, I know you don't ask questions when you sell the decon videos, but what kind of client prefers the dog to the hot babes?
Phlox: He pays in unmarked quatloos. That's all I need to know.

Tucker: Oh, great. What did you do this time?
Archer: All I know is it isn't my fault, no matter what it is. Do we really need their plasma injector?
Tucker: Yes. Just because we got repaired last week doesn't mean the ship works now or something.
Archer: Oh, fine... I'll have T'Pol figure out what she did to offend them.

Phlox: I'm afraid you can't take Porthos back just yet, Captain. He's got a disease deep inside him making him feel uneasy.
Archer: What'm I gonna do about it?
Phlox: Keep your distance from him, for now. But rest assured I'll be working hard on a cure all day during the commercials.

T'Pol: I have found the cause of the Kreetassans' disgust. Remember when Porthos mistook the oddly fire-hydrant-shaped trees for actual fire hydrants?
Archer: Yeah...
T'Pol: And everyone suddenly gaped at us in horror?
Archer: Yeah...
T'Pol: And the piano player stopped playing?
Archer: Are you going somewhere with this, Subcommander?

Archer: Grrr...
Water Polo Ball: Ow!
Archer: Grrr...
Water Polo Ball: OW!
Archer: Grrr...
Water Polo Ball: Look, I know you're frustrated but that's noreasonyouhavetokeepbouncingmeofftheOWWWWW!

Phlox: What the--? You can't sleep here!
Archer: I want to comfort Porthos with my ownerly presence. Plus my water polo ball kicked me out. Do you have any queen-size biobeds?
Phlox: Um, how about that bed that slides into the wall? You can have that one.
Archer: It's full of radiation.
Phlox: Er... no it's not....

Archer: Zzzzzzz... oh, I give up, I'm not asleep and I know it. Stupid insomnia-causing frustration. Phlox, do you have any AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Phlox: Oh, hello, sir. What do you --
Archer: PUT SHOES ON! PUT SHOES ON NOW! I don't care if your shoes are on FIRE!
Phlox: All right. Now what can I help you with?
Archer: I came for a mild sedative, but now I need you to deactivate my eyes because I can't ever use them again!

T'Pol: Hello, Captain. What a fascinating coincidence that you have been present on the two occasions today that I've worn the least clothing.
Archer: Spare me your Vulcan observational skill. Let's argue while running on treadmills, whose speed will subtly indicate the intensity of the argument.
T'Pol: That will be very subtle indeed.
Archer: Yup. Subtle.

Sato: Here's the list of what the Kreetassans want.
T'Pol: Ten kilos of trilithium... Mr. Mayweather's head on a platter... an exclusive copyright on the number 403... nothing we can't provide here, sir.
Archer: Well, I don't like this whole ritual I have to act out, especially the paint, but I guess we have no choice.
Mayweather: Um, may I --
Archer, T'Pol, and Sato: No.

Phlox: The cure isn't working yet. Admittedly, I haven't administered any.
Archer: You've got to save him, Doctor!
Phlox: Calm down. I will indeed save your dog. After I save your sex life.
(long pause)
Archer: WHAT?
Phlox: Oh, don't make such a fuss. It's entirely possible that in some alternate reality this makes sense.

Kreetassan President: (over the comm) Enough delays! We want Archer painted with a chainsaw and we want it NOW!
Sato: Calm down, sir. The captain promised to reply to you "soon."
President: He actually said the quote marks?
Sato: I don't know how either.

Archer: Zzzzzzz... zzzthat's right folks, I'm sleeping for real this time!zzzzzz....
Bat: The SKRELL you are!
Archer: Ow! Phlox, what is that thing?
Phlox: It's a Pyrithian bat, known for its distinctive cry of "skrell." Help me catch it.
Archer: I didn't ask for its life story.

Phlox: You know, this whole bat-chasing thing could be a metaphor.
Archer: You mean my getting wakened by a bat is a sign that I should become like one, a creature of the night?
Phlox: No, no. I'm still just pushing my absurd "you dig T'Pol" theory.
Bat: Uh, guys? Can we cut the dialogue and get back to --
Archer: HA! Gotcha! Gotta admit, Phlox, your talk-it-into-range plan was a beaut.
Bat: Skrell you both.

Archer's Dream: I am weird.
Archer: Zzzzzz-- Whoa. Weird dream.
Phlox: That means you like T'--
Archer: Shut up!

T'Pol: I have brought food for you, Captain, and you, Doctor. But none for you, Porthos. Because I don't like you.
Porthos: (whine)
T'Pol: Arrrgggh... cuteness straining Vulcan control... must... resist... oh, fine! Have some cheesecake.
Porthos: Ruff ruff!
Archer: I don't see why he gets her cheesecake and I don't. Good God, did I just say that?
Phlox: Oh yes. Yes you did.

Archer: Porthos's cage just turned red and started blasting a siren. Is this a good thing?
Phlox: Oh dear... his condition is rapidly worsening. That cheesecake was a very bad idea.
Archer: Damn you, T'Pol! Damn your sexy hide! I mean....
Phlox: This is no time for my stupid A/T fannishness to catch on with you. I have to operate on him and I need your help!
Archer: What if I don't wanna?
Phlox: Then your dog dies.
Archer: Let me think about it some more.

Porthos: Rufffff.... ruffffff ruffffff....
Archer: Why is he conscious for open-brain surgery?
Phlox: It's more fun this way.

Archer: Okay, I've played Phlox's game. Now I'm going to go play the Kreetassans' game. And after that I'm not playing anyone else's damn games.
Tucker: (over the comm) Hey Cap'n, I found my Parcheesi board!
Archer: Meet you at oh-nine hundred.

President: You have honoured us with your painted chainsaw juggling act. You sucked at it, but it's the thought that counts.
Archer: And I'm very sorry for what T'Pol's dog did to your tree.
President: We forgive you. In fact, I'm in such a good mood I'll even let you keep that officer's head.
Archer: Really? Because when I dropped the chainsaw that last time, it flew at Travis in the audience and decapitated him quite nicely.

T'Pol: You called, Captain?
Archer: Yeah. This is kind of awkward... I'd like to discuss the sexual tension between us.
T'Pol: I haven't noticed any.
Archer: Really? Me neither. I'm glad we had this talk.

Phlox: Good news, Captain! Porthos came through the operation fine.
Archer: His cage is on fire.
Phlox: That's unrelated, and you wouldn't believe the story if I told you. And how are you and the Subcommander?
Archer: There's exactly as much tension as there was when you started all this.
Phlox: Excellent. I love a good tension-filled relationship. Have fun, you kids!
(Archer and T'Pol don't have fun at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on September 4, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, Zeke.