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Five-Minute "Rules of Engagement"

by Nate the Great

Odo: Are you all right?
Worf: I'm in jail, I'm having nightmares about killing children, and I'm about to go on trial for destroying a ship full of civilians. Do you think I'm all right?
Odo: Actually, I was just making conversation. As long as you're a murder suspect I really could not care less if you're all right.
Worf: A dispassionate lawman to the end. I knew I liked you for a reason.

Ch'Pok: I'm here to prove that Worf murdered a hundred and forty-one Klingons on that ship. He was acting as a Klingon, not a Starfleet officer.
Sisko: It was an accident. He fired on a ship that was decloaking in the middle of a battle. He had every right to fire on anything for the security of his ship.
Ch'Pok: Good luck defending that argument. By the way, I want his sash as a trophy. Hand it over. Who da man? I'm da man! Boo-yeah!

Sisko: You're going to find out everything you can about that ship.
Odo: You do realize that that won't be easy, given that it's destroyed.
Sisko: Now is not the time for sarcasm, Constable.
Odo: It's always time for sarcasm!

Ch'Pok: When I'm done with you, the Federation's reputation will be shot and the Klingon Empire will take over.
Sisko: You do realize that announcing your plan to the enemy instantly jinxes it?
Ch'Pok: You look at me like I care.

Ch'Pok: The actions and "logic" of the decisions are not in dispute. What really matters is Worf's motivation.
Sisko: So suddenly he's an actor?
Ch'Pok: How very droll. You would agree that if Worf fired after logically considering the situation, he is indeed a blameless officer, but if he fired because he delights in destruction, he's just a berserker.
T'Lara: Proceed, but just make sure you stick to the facts.
Ch'Pok: A Klingon stick to the facts? Ha ha ha! Oh, wait, you were serious?

Ch'Pok: You agree that Klingons can be blinded by bloodlust?
Dax: Yeah, I guess so. I've seen it in his eyes in the holosuite plenty of times, but he knows when to stop.
Ch'Pok: And doesn't he play a program of an ancient Klingon battle where he gives the order to destroy an entire innocent town?
Dax: Well, yeah, but... you're mean!
Ch'Pok: I'm crying on the inside.

Ch'Pok: He's a murderer, a savage! Not to mention a terrible dresser.
Worf: You go too far!
Ch'Pok: You'll note he only objected when I commented on his wardrobe.
T'Lara: So noted.

Sisko: The Cardassians need humanitarian help. We're going to provide a convoy to help protect them.
Worf: The Klingons will attack it, that's what they do.
Sisko: You're going to take the Defiant and help them.
Ch'Pok: You're sure Worf was instructed to protect and not battle?
Sisko: I even tied a string on his pinky finger.

Quark: Worf came into the bar and ordered a prune juice. I asked him if he thought the Klingons would attack and he said he hoped they would --
Ch'Pok: Attack and give him an opportunity to be a warrior?
Quark: -- return his copy of Vulcan Love Slave Part Two: The Revenge. Turns out he dropped it on Martok's ship a few months ago. It was signed by the author and everything. Oh yeah, what you said, too.

Odo: So far Ch'Pok's story seems to be holding together. The transport ship's captain was totally clean. I instantly found that suspicious.
Sisko: What do you mean?
Odo: Klingons always have an odor, even if it's only lilac. The captain was totally odor-free. For a Klingon, that's just weird!

Kira: Worf was justified on firing on an unknown decloaking ship in the middle of a battle.
Ch'Pok: Wait a sec, weren't you a terrorist who killed lots of Cardassian civilians?
Kira: Well, yeah, but --
Ch'Pok: You are just making this too easy, Captain.
Sisko: I try.

O'Brien: The Klingon ships were taking turns attacking us and the convoy. The bird of prey had started a decloak-attack-cloak cycle. Worf was trying to stay ahead of it.
Ch'Pok: Would you have attacked before positive identification?
O'Brien: Well, no --
Ch'Pok: Confirmed. I'm so good. High five, anyone?
Worf: Drop dead.
Ch'Pok: Further evidence! It's good to be me.

Sisko: You want us to stop sending convoys so you can take that system.
Ch'Pok: You are so dense. You think we'd go to all this effort for one system?
Sisko: Yeah.
Ch'Pok: Darn right.

Odo: All the passengers on the ship were totally cle-- I mean, nothing suspicious.
Sisko: You're starting to learn, Constable.
Odo: I try, sir.

Worf: I respect the chief's opinion, but he was not in command that day. I did what I thought was best for the ship and the mission.
Ch'Pok: Are you bitter at the Klingon Empire because they outcast you?
Worf: I'm... disappointed that I'm not accepted.
Ch'Pok: Acceptance. A human concept. You are such a wuss.
Worf: You're a dead man!
Ch'Pok: I rest my case.

Odo: I'm here with the deus ex machina, sir.
Sisko: Perfect timing as usual, Constable.
Odo: Well, Doctor Bashir's been dragging me along into his spy program. I guess I picked up a few tricks.

Sisko: This is a list of the people that Worf allegedly murdered. Do you recognize them?
Ch'Pok: Of course.
Sisko: Kinda funny how it's the exact same list as one of people who died in a crash a few months ago, huh?
Ch'Pok: I'm sure I don't know what you mean.
Sisko: I mean that Worf destroyed a ship that was full of Klingon soldiers meant to discredit the Federation. Now who's the man?
Ch'Pok: You are.
Sisko: Darn right.

Sisko: You made a real mess, do you know that?
Worf: Yes, sir.
Sisko: And you do know that the party we're going to may be theoretically for you, but in fact we just need to blow off steam, partially because of your mess?
Worf: Yes, sir.
Sisko: Good. Let's get funky.
(The station turns at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on July 1, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Nate Grant.