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Five-Minute "Rocks and Shoals"

by Marc Richard

Captain's Log: We are still without warp drive, weapons, shields or main power, and now two Jem'Hadar fighters are closing rapidly on us. The good news is that so many of our ship's systems are wrecked that there's not much left for the enemy to damage if they start shooting.
Dax: GAK!
Sisko: Computer, make the following correction to that last log entry....

Sisko: Did we reach the dark matter nebula in time to hide from those fighters?
Garak: Yes, but we're tumbling end over end and plunging towards the surface of a planet!
Nog: Oh, no! We're going to die! WE'RE GOING TO DIE! WAH!
O'Brien: It's no good, sir! I've lost all attitude control!
Sisko: So has Cadet Nog, apparently.

Limara'Son: If the Vorta had listened to you, we would not have crashed on this deserted planet two days ago and he would not have been gravely injured.
Remata'Klan: And the First and the Second would still be alive.
Limara'Son: The good news is that with them dead we can now all move up in rank.
Remata'Klan: No. I questioned the Vorta's orders, so he will punish me. I will remain Third.
Limara'Son: Then it would appear that my career plans have run into an obstacle.
Remata'Klan: Enough talk; let us return to the camp. You start and I will follow.
Limara'Son: I resent what you are insinuating, sir.
Remata'Klan: And keep your hands where I can see them.

Bashir: Dax is in a bad way, sir, but at least everyone managed to swim ashore.
O'Brien: And we were able to pull some supplies from the ship before it sank.
Sisko: I'm still going to be in trouble with Starfleet if we ever get rescued. Naval regulations clearly state that a shipmaster must keep his vessel safe from all rocks and shoals.
O'Brien: But that rule dates back over four centuries! And it doesn't even make sense when you apply it to spacecraft! Why should it still be on Starfleet's books?
Sisko: Chief, have you ever heard of a bureaucracy that gets rid of old regulations when they're no longer relevant?

Computer: The time is 05:00 hours.
Kira: Ah, I love the smell of raktajino in the morning. Computer, list my first agenda item for today.
Computer: Inventory control of an incoming shipment of assorted Cardassian military hardware.
Kira: Good -- that'll keep me occupied for hours. Busy hands are happy hands.

Garak: What are you doing?
Nog: Scanning the area for food and water, like Captain Sisko ordered me to.
Garak: Oh no! We're surrounded by Jem'Hadar soldiers!
Nog: Unless they have food and water, I'm really not interested.

Jake: Major, could you tell my readers whether the presence of Dominion technical advisers on Bajor is a first step towards planetary occupation?
Kira: Uh....
Jake: Odo, how do you respond to the charge that by sitting on the station's ruling council you're validating the Dominion presence on DS9?
Odo: Uh....
Jake: Sigh. I guess Weyoun isn't gonna have much to censor in my news article this week.

Remata'Klan: You were ordered to hold your fire when the enemy came to look for the two crewmembers we captured! Why did you disobey?
Limara'Son: I could not help myself! My instinctive reaction to any situation is to polarize my invisibility cloak and to fire my phase pistol!
Remata'Klan: Your lack of self-control is a disgrace! I hereby reduce you to the rank of second-rate tactical officer!
Limara'Son: I humbly accept my punishment, sir. Now may I please resume shooting?

Vedek Yassim: The Dominion is evil. It must be opposed. We must stage protests, hold demonstrations....
Kira: But that won't end the occupation of DS9. It will just make things worse by upsetting the authorities.
Yassim: Then what would you have me do to fight back against our oppressors?
Kira: You could write a letter to the editor. That won't cause any trouble.
Yassim: But the newspapers are being censored! The letter will never get published!
Kira: That's why it won't cause any trouble.

Remata'Klan: Our Vorta, Keevan, wishes to trade our two captives for medical attention from your doctor and a conversation with you.
Sisko: Is he wounded?
Remata'Klan: Yes, and very bored. Why else would he bargain like a lowly Ferengi?
Sisko: Very well. I agree to the prisoner exchange.
Remata'Klan: Magnificent.

Odo: What is Vedek Yassim doing up there tying a rope to the railing?
Kira: I hope she's not going to hang up a protest sign.
Yassim: Evil must be opposed! GAK!
Jake: (arriving) Major, do you know where Vedek Yassim is? She told me she'd be making a statement on the Promenade right around now.

Bashir: I need to operate on the Vorta immediately.
Remata'Klan: My men and I will watch as you cut him open. We wish to see his insides.
Bashir: You may regret your morbid curiosity. Chances are that you'll find the sight of his viscera quite repulsive.
Remata'Klan: If you are saying that we will hate his guts, this is hardly news to us.

Computer: The time is 05:00 hours. Priority item of the day -- reviewing proposed designs for the new five-meter statue of Gul Dukat to be erected in Dahkur province.
Kira: Computer, one glass of buttermilk and one anti-nausea capsule, please.

Keevan: You and I are in grave danger, Captain. My supply of ketracel-white is nearly exhausted, and my troops are already suffering withdrawl symptoms.
Sisko: What will happen when the drug runs out?
Keevan: The Jem'Hadar will go insane. First they'll kill all of us, then they'll kill each other, and finally the last survivor will kill himself.
Bashir: Believe him, sir. I've seen that kind of violent reaction before.
Sisko: The time you and O'Brien crash-landed in the Bopak system?
Bashir: Yes, and also the day when DS9's replicators broke down and you didn't get your morning cup of raktajino until half-past noon.

Keevan: Here is my proposal. I will order the Jem'Hadar to attack your camp according to a plan I'm going to give you. Once you've slaughtered them, I'll surrender to you and let your engineer fix this broken communications console so you can call for help.
Sisko: I never thought I'd meet someone whose lack of scruples would outdo even a Ferengi.
Keevan: I've always admired those people.

Kira: I can't try to stay neutral anymore. As we used to say during the Cardassian occupation, "You're either with the resistance or with the assistance."
Odo: Don't be foolish. It's better to just keep out of trouble.
Kira: Are you going soft on me, Constable?
Odo: Major, I'm shocked. What do you think I am, a collaborator?

Sisko: Surrender! Keevan sent you into an ambush and we have your men surrounded!
Remata'Klan: We knew his order to attack was a betrayal. He told us that by walking backwards towards you we would make you think we were retreating, but he did not fool us for a minute.
Sisko: Keevan doesn't deserve your loyalty. Are you going to throw your life away just for the sake of your military oath of allegiance?
Remata'Klan: It took me a month to memorize all three million words of it. I'm not about to let all that work go to waste.

Jem'Hadar: GAK! GAK! GAK!
Sisko: I hope you're satisfied with your dirty work, Keevan.
Keevan: Not entirely...you missed a spot. Here, allow me.
Sisko: Are you quite finished?
Keevan: Yes, thank you.
(Keevan hands back the phaser rifle at Callous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 26, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Marc Richard.