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Five-Minute "Body Parts"

by Sa'ar Chasm

Rom: How was your trip to Ferenginar?
Quark: Not bad. I saw Moogie, put a hotel on Boardwalk, and found out I'm dying.
Rom: Drag.
Quark: The only way to pay off my debts is to sell my body.
Rom: Wouldn't the Nausicaan Brothel complain about the competition?
Quark: Selling my dead body, you idiot.
Rom: Oo, can I have that bit there?
Quark: I'm gonna give you a piece of my mind!
Rom: Left lobe or right lobe?

Bashir: I need an emergency medical transport. Our runabout was sideswiped by a passing asteroid.
Sisko: Sideswiped by a passing asteroid? C'mon, Bashir, you can do better than that. You were drag-racing again, right?

O'Brien: What have you done with my baby?
Bashir: Stuck it in Kira.
O'Brien: That has too many meanings to even contemplate. So can we transfer the baby back to Keiko?
Bashir: Sure, no prob--
Worf: (over the comm) No! Absolutely not! I refuse to be anywhere near that woman if she's pregnant.
Bashir: No.

Rom: How's the bidding going?
Quark: High bid is a Canadian Loonie, two buttons and some pocket lint.
Rom: I wonder who the bidder could be.
Quark: Rom, your shirt is missing a couple of buttons.
Rom: No it isn't.

Kira: Are you sure you're all right with having another woman carry your child?
Keiko: Any labour I don't have to go through is a good one.
Worf: (over the comm) You can say that again.
Kira: Stop using the comm to eavesdrop or I'll make you my labour coach.
Worf: (whimper)

Bashir: Quark, I'm not your message boy. Tell your doctor to contact your directly next time you don't have Dorek Syndrome.
Quark: I'm gonna live? Woo hoo!
Brunt: I own you.
Quark: Bugger.

Quark: Pleeeeease don't make me die!
Brunt: Say the magic word.
Quark: Abracadabra?
Brunt: No.
Quark: Shabukalakazam?
Brunt: No.
Quark: Ala Peanut Butter Sandwiches?
Brunt: No!
Quark: Klaatu verada nicto?
Brunt: Shut up.

Quark: Garak, I want you to kill me.
Garak: Excellent choice, if I may say so. I offer a wide range of terminatory options, all guaranteed to be of highest quality. If you aren't completely satisfied with the manner of your passing, I'll cheerfully refund your money.
Quark: But I'll be dead!
Garak: Details, details.

Keiko: We'd like you to move in with us.
Kira: Well...uhh...
Keiko: Just so we can be close to the baby.
Kira: Sure, why not?
Keiko: Great! This is your room, and this is where we keep the dustpan, and the carpet sweeper, and the broom. Make sure you get the little nook by the replicator.
O'Brien: Oh, and we'll expect dinner to be ready when I go off shift.
Kira: (profound sigh)

Holo-Quark: Gak!
Quark: No, no, NO! I can't die like that! The blood clashes with my suit.
Garak: That's easy to fix -- I'll make you a new suit.

Quark: I'm dead!
Gint: You're not dead. You're not even mostly dead.
Quark: Am I pining for the fjords?
Gint: Actually, this is just a dream. You need to break the contract with Brunt.
Quark: But the Rules of Acquisition....
Gint: Pfft! Rules, who cares for rules? Rules are for losers, and impediments to profit. The truly successful get that way by ignoring the rules. Look at Enron.
Quark: Well, since you put it that way....

Quark: Brunt, here's your money back. I'm breaking the contract, and now Garak won't have to ki-- damn! I knew there was something I forgot.
Garak: (looms out of the shadows) 'Sokay, so did the writers.
Quark: Gah! You scared me half to death!
Garak: Only half? I could do it again if you'd like.

Molly: I like your room, Aunt Nerys!
Kira: Um... thanks.
Molly: Can I eat cookies and pie in here?
Kira: I don't know....
Molly: And can I jump on the bed?
Kira: Shut up kid, you bother me.

Quark: Brunt took everything, even the shirt off my back. The one I'm wearing is a loaner from Bashir.
Rom: I wondered why it said "I went to Risa and all I got was dumped." But that doesn't happen until next season.
Quark: Shh! It was too good a joke to pass up.
Bashir: Quark, a friend of mine sent me some Zima, and when I thought of vile substances, your name sprang to mind.
Jadzia: Quark, do you have a use for a mis-matched set of novelty beer steins?
Sisko: Quark, we've just received a shipment of furniture from the planet I'keya, but they only sent one Allen key. to assemble it with. Can we store it in here for a while?
Quark: How touching. Remind me to count sappiness as an asset from now on.
(The audience gags at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on March 7, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, Steven Maguire.