Five-Minute "The Pirate Planet"
by Curt Rozeboom

Captain: (A-HA) Mr. Fibuli! (A-HA) Mr. Fibuli! By the X-ray storms of V'Ger, where is that nincompoop!
Comm Officer: Paging Mr. Fibuli to the bridge.
Mr. Fibuli: Coming, oh Captain, my Captain!
Captain: (A-HA) Mr. Fibuli, your exposition is 5 lines late. The readers are getting impatient!
Mr. Fibuli: Well, Captain, sir, all deposits of ulium, viluim, centinite-455, aluminas and carbon isotopes have --
Captain: (A-HA) Mr. Fibuli, only I am allowed to drop plot hints! Now, have you dealt with the slag, in the normal way?
Mr. Fibuli: My most abject apologies, yes sir. Next, we're going to the planet Canadasux for visilium and mcguffinite-15, but there's something unusual --
Captain: (A-HA) We'll mine it, Mr. Fibuli! Prepare the galley for ludicrous heat and stop trying to drop plot hints!

Captain: Citizens, for reasons you should not be at all suspicious about, I declare a new golden age!
Zamericans: Yeah! We love new golden ages. They're so... golden.
Pralix: I've got a bad feeling about this!
Mentiad: Look, brothers! Someone else who has bad feelings about things! Maybe he's the Chosen One.

Doctor: What's that you're reading, Romana? Lots of nice pictures in it?
Romana: Just the FAQ. I was trying to figure out how to get your capsule to make me a nice spot of tea.
Doctor: FYI, I like to call it a TARDIS. It's a useful little acronym my grand-daughter invented. Cute, eh?
Romana: Anyway, the beverage I kept getting from your capsule was so unlike anything resembling tea that I decided to learn how to program it myself.
Doctor: It stands for Tea And Ridiculous Dialog Inevitably Suck!
Romana: Since the academy no longer teaches COBOL, I followed my Art-History mentor's advice.
Doctor: Oh, and what would that be?
Romana: RTFM.

Doctor: Nuts, the Trixter is sending us to Canadasux.
Romana: Canadasux?
Doctor: It sure does. Now, flying the TARDIS is a man's job, let me show you how good I am at it.
Romana: Not to be a backseat driver, but I'd release the parking brake and slowly ease off the clutch.
Doctor: See! It's working perfectly!
TARDIS: Grrrr...

Romana: Look, may I drive?
Doctor: You're going to be a bigger women's libber than Sarah Jane, aren't you?
Romana: I just think your capsule might respond to a gentler touch than your mangling manhandling, that's all. Here, look.
Doctor: Get back, K-9, first timers always crash into something!
Romana: You see, if you just let the shifter glide on its springs rather than forcing it...
TARDIS: (soothingly) Ahhhhhhh!
Doctor: Oh, I can see I'm not going to live this down for a while.
Romana: Oh, are you sure we can't stay a while so I can do a little shopping, work on my tan, get a pedicure...
Doctor: Work on your -- see, this is why I don't let female assistants drive. You didn't even follow the map!

Pralix: AAAAAH!
Mentiads: There is a great disturbance in the force!
Pralix: AAAAAH!
Mulah: What is it Pralix? Do you feel as if millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced?
Pralix: AAA-UUH!
Balaton: I'd feel better if you were both suddenly silenced!

Romana: I'm going to ask someone for directions.
Doctor: No, no, let me do it, you'll do it all wrong and then I'll just have to do it myself anyway -- excuse me!
Zamerican Woman: Ignore him dear, he's somebody else's problem.
Doctor: K-9, you couldn't stun one of them for me, could you?
K-9: Mistress is more stunning than either of us, master.
Doctor: Well, that's arguable.

Mentiads: Di-e Jesu domine, dona eis requiem (WHAP!)

Romana: Doctor, if you're done harassing everyone in the city...
Doctor: Just making sure you don't have another opportunity to show me up for the rest of the episode!
Doctor: Maybe he knows something.

Romana: I spy with my little eye --
Guard: Playing I-Spy is forbidden. What were you looking at?
Romana: Uh, 'K, 9 of your FETCHing DOCTORs.
Guard: Talking in riddles is forbidden. Get in this air-car!
Romana: Could you drive? I've already been accused of being a woman-driver once in this episode!

Mentiads: Oh-wee-oh, yoh-oh, oh-wee-oh, yo-oh!

Captain: Hehwo my wittle powwee, wowwee...
Mr. Fibuli: Captain, sir!
Captain: Mr. Fibuli! How many times must I tell you to knock first! What did you see?
Mr. Fibuli: I didn't see you making baby-talk to your parrot again, sir, but the Mentiads are on the move!
Captain: Guards, fire a warning shot across their noses!
Guards: ZAP-ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!
Mentiads: WHOMP!
Captain: Incompetent fool, I said across their noses, not up them!

Captain: (seeing K-9 on monitor) What the planet's bane is that?
Avitron: Another robot pet? Oh, we are so on!

K-9: Master, mistress is in danger! Companion worthlessness rating has risen to 8.5.
Guards: SHOOT THE -- GAK!
Doctor: Thank you, K-9. I see your new killer instincts helped to maintain my violence-free image.

Mentiads: We're sending out good vibrations, we're giving out excitations, good, good, good, good vibrations!
Doctor: I must be California Dreamin'.

Captain: One of you has failed me and you know what that means!
Sergeant Rico: (covering neck) No, not that!
Captain: Yes, that!

Doctor: K-9, were those Mentiads Beach Boys fans?
K-9: Affirmative, master my analysis indicates they were on a Surfin' Safari.
Mula: Well, I'm going after Pralix and the Mentiads!
Doctor: K-9, you'd better help her.
K-9: K-9 fetch, K-9 baby-sit, K-9 rescue me, K-9 this, K-9 that!
Doctor: That's a good dog. Kimas, in order to rescue Romana, we'll have to steal that motor-boat-thingy.
Guard: Ooh! Jelly babies!
Doctor: (flying away in Captain's air-car) Ah, jelly babies, is there anything they can't do?

Captain: Damage report, Mr. Fibuli!
Mr. Fibuli: We burned out the microwave oven, sir, so I'm afraid you can't make any more pie.
Romana: May I be of any help?
Nurse: Can you bake a cherry pie?
Romana: Where did you come from? Uh, yes, in fact it's the only thing we ever eat on our vessel.
Captain: Are you familiar with this circuit model?
Romana: But that must be part of an enormous galley! Ooh, I love a man with a big... appetite!

Kimas: I feel so free and unstoppable! What, a locked door? That sucks! Let's just give up and go home.
Doctor: I've got a better idea: sonic screwdriver!
Kimas: Screwdriver? Now, who looks at a screwdriver and thinks, "Gee, this could be a little more sonic"?
Doctor: Look, just stay here and shoot anyone who leaves so I don't have to. Okay?

Captain: Well girl, can you fix my microwave and bake me a pie?
Romana: Perhaps, but to be honest I can't even make a cup of tea on our vessel -- you really ought to ask the Doctor.
Doctor: A Time Lord is never late: he always arrives exactly when the plot requires him to.
Captain: Blast your impeccable comedic timing, I was trying to work up a good bluster!
Romana: Doctor, I think you should examine this.
Doctor: Microwave oven circuit, bits of burnt pie -- Captain, may I examine your kitchen?
Captain: Mr. Fibuli, play along and show our guests the galley.
Doctor: I knew it, it runs on Bistromath! Captain, we'll need our microwave repair kit from the TARDIS.

Kimas: Well, Doctor, you've been to the bridge and made an unprecedented escape, what will you do next?
Doctor: I'd like to go to Disney World!
Kimas: The best we have is a rusty old mine-shaft. But, it really sucks.
Mr. Fibuli: Captain, they're in the amusement park!
Captain: Walt Disney's Ghost! If they report our safety-code violations we're screwed! Guards!

Romana: Wow, it's like a completely different world down here!
Doctor: Nothing gets past you.
Kimas: This place sucks worse than our planet, Zamerica. What is it Doctor?
Doctor: It's Canadasux. It's being pillaged into nothingness by Zamerica, the pirate planet!

Pralix: Doctor, we need your help. Tell us what is, the "force"?
Doctor: Ooh maxie big the force. Romana, Star Wars trivia quiz time!
Romana: Well, the Force is what gives a Mentiad his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.
Doctor: Your Mentiad abilities make you laser-proof. Why aren't you running the joint? What's the holdup?
Pralix: We can't agree on a gang name. I wanted "Pralix 'The Chosen One' and the Mentiads."
Mentiad: We want "The Amazing Mentiads: featuring the new guy, Pralix."
Romana: You've got to become more than the sum of your parts. Like those 5-robot Transformers!
Pralix: We're telepaths, not acrobats.

Mr. Fibuli: Ha! The Death Star has nothing on us. If that Vader creep ever shows his face, we'll just sit on it!
Captain: Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant to the power of several precisely aligned super-compressed planetary masses.

Doctor: How nice of them to bring back our favorite air-car!
Guard: Ha! Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me!

Mr. Fibuli: Captain, sir, good news, we've located a potential source of microwave ovens and pie!
Captain: Excellent, excellent! What is the source, Mr. Fibuli?
Mr. Fibuli: I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count.

Zamericans: Aw, look at the cute robo-puppy flying the air-car!
K-9: Has anyone thought about how I'm supposed to get out of this thing? No? Typical morons.

Doctor: (dreaming) What did I tell you, eh? No more nitro-nine, no more--!
Captain: Doctor, I've got a very interesting plot point to reveal to you.
Doctor: A museum of the damned! And there's an Earth-style telephone in it.
Captain: The combined gravitational distortion hides the connection from the telephone company.
Doctor: But what's it for? Eh? What, do you call people and ask them if they have Prince Albert in a can?

Mentiads: 92 bottles of beer on the wall, 92 bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around...

Captain: And now, Doctor, it is time for you to die, unless, of course, there are no more interruptions.
Doctor: You mean like the long-foreshadowed battle of our robot pets?
(K-9 fires!)
(Avitron poops!)
(K-9 fires!)
(Avitron poops!)
(K-9 fires!)
Viewers: Meh.

Kimas: We've escaped, but what's this place and why's there a telephone in here?
Doctor: Never mind about that, quick in this room!
Kimas: Who is that?
Doctor: It's your beloved queen Xanxia, suspended in the last few seconds of her life by these time-dams!
Kimas: Sucks to be her. And don't swear, Doctor, this is a family program.
Doctor: Not damn as in, "damn you're stupid", but dam, like the thing that holds back water. Or time.

Captain: Doctor, where is my Polyphase Avitron?
Doctor: Here he is. Wonderful plumage, don't you think?
Captain: The plumage don't enter into it, this is a dead parrot!
Doctor: No he's not, he's resting! Wake up, Poly, WAKE UP!
Captain: This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket! He's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!
Doctor: Well, I guess I'd better replace him then.
Captain: You can start by flying off of this plank!

Doctor: Watching myself die was just as much fun as watching everyone else die. I'm such a sado-masochist!
Captain: You idiots, that wasn't him, it was his stunt double!
Doctor: Yes, and I'm not the only one with a stunt double, am I, nurse -- or should I say -- Queen Xanxia!
Xanxia: Took you long enough! But you're too late, we've got the psychic-interference-transmitter!

Mentiads: Mentiad super powers activate! ...activate... activ-- aw, nuts! (GAK!)
Guard: Yes! I killed a Mentiad, I'm sure to be promoted for this! ZAP! ZAP!
Romana: My hair, he shot my hair! Son-of-a-blatch! ZAP!

Xanxia: Xanxia must live!
Doctor: Yeah, I've heard that one before.
Xanxia: I will succeed! I've pillaged planets from Bandragenous to Calufrax!
Doctor: What, did you skip the A's?
Xanxia: Vader got dibs on those.

Captain: We're ready to commence the jump to our new source of microwave ovens and pie!
Doctor: What new source?
Mr. Fibuli: Like I told the Captain, I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count!
Doctor: Earth! Well, now we're talking real stakes!
Pralix: Doctor, we're feeling a little weak-minded, I think it may be the mountain air.
Doctor: Yeah, the mountain air, that's what it is. K-9, shoot them if they stop trying to open the door!

Captain: Prepare ship for ludicrous heat!
TARDIS: Ooh hot, hot!
Doctor: It's not enough. Mentiads, we need you to kick it up a notch!
Emeril: BAM!

Captain: I've waited 100 years to say this: "Here's a quarter, go call someone who cares! Ya hag!" GAK!
Doctor: Look, I'm really sorry I burned your pie...
Xanxia: Never again, Doctor! ACK!
Kimas: ZAP! Never say "never again" again! Ever! Suxzia!
Doctor: Kimas, I've been waiting through half of this fiver to say this: "You suck!"

Doctor: You know what sucks worse than you, Kimas? The bridge -- it blows. Ready Pralix?
Pralix: We're ready, Doctor. Wouldn't want to tarnish your violence-free image now, would we?
(The Mentiads blow up the Bridge at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous fiver: The Ribos Operation
Next fiver: The Stones of Blood


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This fiver was originally published on July 10, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by the company that makes Doctor Who. We, the administration of Five-Minute Voyager, could not possibly have less of a clue who that is. Well, actually we do since SCMoll told us, but it's funnier this way.

All material © 2006, Curtis L. Rozeboom.