Five-Minute "The Age of Steel"
by Scooter

Remington Steele: Did you see that, Laura? "The Age of Steele"! We're finally getting fived! Gosh, I've been waiting for this for --
Laura Holt: Look again, you tuxedo-clad chowderhead. It says "Steel," not "Steele."
Remington Steele: Aw, nuts.

Cybermen: Delete -- delete --
Doctor: Don't delete us! We surrender!
Cybermen: Even the Fifth Doctor was not this craven. You're up to something.
Doctor: You're too smart for me. ZAP!
Cybermen: Gallifrenium! The one substance in the universe that can artificially resolve any cliffhanger! Multiple-GAK!

Doctor: Now that we've all gotten away safe, we need to go to the authorities.
Rose: The authorities! All right, who are you and what have you done with the Doctor?
Doctor: C'mon, I have to mention it occasionally for show. Trust me, it'll never happen.
Rose: Phew. You had me scared there for a sec.

Londoner #1: According to my earPod, they're giving out free pie at the Cybus Industries Human-to-Monster Conversion Plant!
Londoner #2: Hmmm, what sort of pie?
Londoner #3: Does it matter? C'mon!
Londoners #4 to #7,500,000: Let's all go!

Doctor: Time to split up for no reason.
Mickey: Hey, Ricky, this way!
Ricky: Are you sure you're not trying to trap me so you can replace --
Cybermen: Delete!
Ricky: GAK!
Mickey: And you thought you were the evil twin. Psych!

Lumic: You didn't get in line for pie like everyone else, Crane.
Crane: I wanted to share my pie with you, sir.
Lumic: Why, that's very -- ACK! Hey!
Crane: Did I say "pie"? I meant "ripping out all of your life support."

Lumic: (gasp) Help me! I'm dying!
Cybermen: You will be made like us. It's called irony.
Lumic: I don't want to be irony! I don't want to be any kind of metal at all!
Cybermen: (sigh) The other irony.

Rose: Mickey? Where's -- Oh my god!
Mickey: They killed Ricky.
Jake: You bastard!

Doctor: Those to the Cyberman factory would go, must choose above, between, below. Sounds familiar somehow.
Rose: Buh?
Doctor: So Rose, which do you want, spooky tunnels full of Cybermen, or walking straight up to the front door and saying "hi"?
Rose: Er -- um -- hippo?
Jake: Well, while you're sorting that, I'm off to deal with the roof transmitter.
Mickey: Jake, wait! I'm coming with you!
Jake: Grrr. I told you not to feed the 'shippers.

Mrs. Moore: The tunnel goes this way. I used to work for Cybus Industries, you know. In fact --
Doctor: Wait, who are you?
Mrs. Moore: Just because I haven't been worth fiving so far doesn't mean I'm not in the fiver! I'm canon, damnit!
Cyberman: I disagree.
Mrs. Moore: Nuts. GAK!

Rose: (This is dumb.) Yes, I'd like some "pie," please.
Pete: (Just watch for Jackie.) Yes, we both want "pie."
Cyberman: What do you know about pie, you stinking bastard?
Pete: (gasp) Jackie, is that you?

Jake: To access the transmitter, we need to hack into this computer system.
Mickey: Say no more. I'm tops at rattling my hands over computer keyboards real fast.
Jake: Perfect! In this universe that's all you need to do to break into secure network systems.
Mickey: Really? Mine too!

Doctor: Rose! Pete! What are you doing in Cyber Control?
Pete: We were brought here as spies. You?
Doctor: I was brought here as a plot contrivance. So where is Lumic?
Cyber Controller/Lumic: Here.
Doctor: Wow, good thing your mechanical throne is so big, I won't have to crouch. Wait, have we met before? I want to call you "dad" for some reason.
Cyber Controller/Lumic: You are no son of mine. And stop flicking your tongue like that, it's distracting.

Mickey: Okay, we're in. What message should we send to everyone's earPods to get them out of the factory?
Jake: Tell them -- I got it! Tell them the only pies left are McDonald's apple pies.
Mickey: (typing the message) Ooo, you're evil. I like that.
Jake: And -- and they're weeks old -- all sticky inside, and chewy in all the wrong places --
Millions of Londoners: (frantically fleeing the factory) AAAIIEEEEE!

Doctor: Hear that, Lumic? Your plan to convert everyone failed.
Cyber Controller/Lumic: No matter. Tomorrow I will simply saturate the nation with nude photos of Camilla Parker-Bowles, and then announce that this is the location to come and beg that it be stopped.
Rose: You wouldn't dare!
Doctor: Diabolical ingenuity! With that plan he'll be unstoppable!

Jake: Can we monitor Cyber Control from here?
Mickey: Sure, I have complete access to the plot contrivance modules.
Doctor: (over the comm) ...and that's why you'll fail, Lumic. Because any idiot named Mickey could hack into your systems and find the disabling code for the Cybermen's emotional inhibitors and send it to me on Rose's phone.
Mickey: Hang on, I think he's trying to tell us something.

Doctor: Mickey found the code. If we get out of here I'm promoting him from tin dog to regular dog.
Pete: What happens when the emotional inhibitors are disabled?
Doctor: The Cybermen will get their human emotions back, and what's been done to them should drive them all insane. Here we go!
Emotional Inhibitors: FZZZZT!
Cyberman #1: Wow, I've been turned into a robot! Awesome!
Cyberman #2: I have the strength of ten men and a lethal energy weapon to boot! Wicked!
Cyberman #3: This is the best cosplay ever!
Cyberman #2: Are you as turned on as I am?
Cyberman #3: More!
Doctor: Oops. Forgot about Cybersex.
Rose: Ewww! I didn't think they even had any -- EWWW!
Doctor: Well, at least they're distracted. Run!

Doctor: Jake and Mickey are in the zeppelin. Quick, up this rope ladder!
Cyber Controller/Lumic: Doctor, you fool! You've ruined everything!
Doctor: I'm confused. Are you climbing after us to kill us, or to escape the Cyber orgy?
Cyber Controller/Lumic: Meh. Either way.
Doctor: Pete, you're lowest, you're going to have to Star Trek III him.
Pete: You mean, KHAAAA --
Doctor: Nono, Three. Star Trek III.
Pete: Oh right. I! Have Had! Enough! Of --
Doctor: Yeah, just kick him off.
Cyber Controller/Lumic: AAAIIEEE!
Pete: Wow, I feel just like President Shatner! What a rush!
Rose: President Shatner? Doctor, get me out of this alternate universe hellhole now!

Rose: Come with us. You're a copy of my dad and I really, really miss him.
Pete: And I'm really, really scared of that.
Rose: But --
Pete: Can't talk now, busy running away...

Mickey: Thought you might be tired of being dressed like a waiter, so I brought you your costume from the mansion.
Doctor: Good boy. C'mon, let's go.
Mickey: I'm staying. Jake and I got the pay-per-view rights for what's going on in the factory. We're gonna call it Cybertopia.
Rose: But what if I need you?
Mickey: You could punch me in the face, I'm still staying. But listen, don't miss me too much. Get on with your life.
Rose: Er, no problem.

Doctor: Well, we're off to our own universe. Think Mickey'll be okay?
Rose: Who?

Jake: Wow, your friends sure are weird. So what now? There are Cybus factories all over the world.
Mickey: Hmmm... think there's one in Amsterdam?
(Mickey and Jake drive off together at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous fiver: Rise of the Cybermen
Next fiver: Gridlock


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This fiver was originally published on July 14, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by the company that makes Doctor Who. We, the administration of Five-Minute Voyager, could not possibly have less of a clue who that is. Well, actually we do since SCMoll told us, but it's funnier this way.

All material © 2006, Mark Wilson.