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Five-Minute "Gridlock"

by Derek Dean

Doctor: So we should go to New New York.
Martha: Was it once New New Amsterdam? Is it part of New New York state in the New United States of New America?
Doctor: You can't out-New me, and since I recycle all my jokes, allow me to tell you that this is actually New New New New...

Pharmacist: Would you like to buy Happy? How about Sad? Iffy? So-So? Claustrophobic? I've got them all!
Doctor: Just you wait. I'm going to shut you all down. Of course, it'll be off-screen and thus have no real plot payoff, but it will happen.

Milo: Excuse me, we need to kidnap your companion here. That okay?
Doctor: Sure. Do I need to get a claim ticket or anything?

Martha: You've kidnapped me?! Where are you taking me?
Milo: Not far. We just need to go 10 miles. It should only take 6 years.
Martha: Why not just walk?
Milo: Huh. Never occurred to me.

Thomas: Welcome aboard our hovercar, Doctor. I'm purrrfectly happy to meet you!
Doctor: Cat jokes. Great. Look I need to find Martha. Do you know where she is?
Thomas: In that car headed for the high occupancy vehicle lanes.
Doctor: Oh no, you mean --?
Thomas: Yes, she's HOV-positive.

Cheen: So have you heard the stories that say there are monsters living in these lanes, but nobody's ever seen them?
Milo: Well, some people have seen them long ago, but they can't find the footage for them anymore. You ever hear of that, Martha?
Martha: Just a second...

Sally Calypso: And now let's sing everyone's favorite hymn with Calypso!
Everyone: "Low in the grave we lay..."
Doctor: This is not what I think of when I think of calypso.

Doctor: I've got to get down to Martha! So I'm going to start dropping from car to car to get to her.
Thomas: Through the fumes and everything? That's mighty decent of you.
Doctor: It's very descent of me.

Doctor: Ha! Finally reached the bottom car! Now I can see what's below us -- HOLY MACRA!
Novice: Hello, Doctor. Now that you've reached the bottom, would you like to be transported to the top?
Doctor: Do I actually get a choice?

Novice: So this is the Senate and by implication the rest of the overworld. We were all wiped out by the PAX.
Doctor: Are there any survivors?
Novice: Just the Reavers. Oh, and the Face of Boe.
Doctor: Him again? Is he going to tell me his secret?
Face of Boe: Yes.
Doctor: And is it going to be something other than the fact you're a big giant head in a jar?
Face of Boe: Well, it is now.

Milo: So the Macra are attacking us. We need someone to saaaaaaave us!
Martha: I believe in the Doctor, even though I've only just met him and he's mildly neurotic.
Cheen: How can you believe in a total stranger?
Martha: I've got faith -- faith of the hearts.

Doctor: (over comm) Rise and shine, everybody. I say to you, arise! I have opened the gates of --
Face of Boe: Ahem.
Doctor: The gates of paradise have been opened for you! (by the Face of Boe) but feel free to thank me instead!

Face of Boe: So now is the time.... Now I will tell you -- my secret. My big secret. My master secret. The secret of secrets.
Doctor: Yes, yes, get on with it.
Face of Boe: And... my big secret is... You are -- Are you sure you want to hear it?
Doctor: YES!
Face of Boe: Okay. Just thought I'd check. The secret is "You Are Not Alone." GAK!
Doctor: I am not a lone GAK? Well, with my regenerations that's neither cryptic nor secret. I liked that secret about him being a big giant head in a jar better.

Martha: So tell me about the Time Lords.
Doctor: Well, I miss them now that they're not around.
Martha: And if they were around?
Doctor: I'd get a gun. And I wouldn't miss them.
(The TARDIS dematerializes at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 28, 2010.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by the company that makes Doctor Who. We, the administration of Five-Minute Voyager, could not possibly have less of a clue who that is. Well, actually we do since SCMoll told us, but it's funnier this way.

All material © 2010, Derek Dean.