Five-Minute "Rose"
by Zeke

Alarm: BEEP --
Jackie: Have a good --
Mickey: Hey baby, I --
Employee: Take this to --
Rose: Wow, this "life fast-forwarder" was a good investment.

Rose: Wilson? Are you down here? C'mon, I don't have time for --
Door: SLAM
Rose: That's funny. Doors usually need people to slam them. Was that you, Wilson?
Auton: (advances)
Rose: Ohh, it was you then. Well, that makes me feel bAAAAAAAA!

Autons: (advance)
Rose: Don't hurt me! I'm no threat to you! I'm in the not-standing-still business!
Doctor: This way! Hurry!
Rose: Who are you?
Doctor: That's right.

Auton: (reaches through elevator d--)
Doctor: YANK! Here, bear this arm.
Rose: What am I, a Yank? This is crazy! Why are they walking around?
Doctor: They can't swim. Now run along, I'm going to blow up the building.
Rose: But I work here!
Doctor: And now would be an excellent time to strike.

Building: BOOOOM
TARDIS: Heh heh. That was cool.
Rose: What the --? Did you just....
TARDIS: Sit here inconspicuously, unnoticed by all? Yes.

Jackie: It's a miracle! You've got an opportunity to sue for buckets of cash! And you survived.
Mickey: Let's go to the pub and celebrate my getting you drunk! And your survival.
Rose: You go ahead of me. Toss this arm on your way.
Mickey: I knew I'd disarm you eventually.
Rose: Ha ha ha! (eyeroll)

Arm: (Thrown out. Great. I'll have to go to Plan B.)
Prince Charles Action Figure: (You think you've got problems. Do you have any idea how small the market for me is? And poor Harry here --)
Prince Harry Action Figure, Nazi Variant: (Don't even talk to me.)

Alarm: BEEP BEEP BEEP. Hey, you let me finish this time.
Rose: I'm in no rush. Maybe I've learned playing with gadgets a girl can get burned.

Doctor and Rose: You again!
Jackie: Mmm! New boyfriend, Rose? I hope you're planning to share.
Doctor: Now now, ladies, there are enough of me to go around.
Rose: That's it! In here, now! I want some answers!
Jackie: I'll see you later. (wink)
Rose: Sorry about Mum. This is why I usually keep her on a leash.

Arm: (leaps out)
Doctor: GAH! Help --
Rose: Yes yes, very funny. I -- ACK! Get it off!
Doctor's Tricorder Thing: ZAP
Doctor: There. Relax, it's perfectly 'armless now. And while you recover from the choking and the pun, I make my getaway!

Rose: Get back here! You've got to tell me what's really going on!
Doctor: Alien lifeform's making plastic come to life so as to take over the world.
Rose: What?
Doctor: Sorry, shall I be a bit less honest? Must be off. Ta ta.
Rose: Well, fine! Walk into that perfectly innocuous phone booth! See if I care!
Rose: Still don't care.

Mickey: Of course you can use my computer, baby. S'right in there. -- No, wait!
Rose: Topless Piper Perabo wallpaper, I see.
Mickey: Uh... she reminds me of you?

Rose: Let's see... "doctor blue box"...
Google: 15 million results found. Or is it billion over here? Here being jolly old England, where --
Rose: Will you cut that out and help me narrow down my search?
Google: Pip pip, cheerio.
Rose: Oh, forget it. I'll just feel lucky.

Clive's Wife: Hey! You're not even close to what I asked for!
Rose: What?
Clive's Wife: The whole gender is wrong! (pause) Unless....
Rose: Look, you've got the wrong idea. I'm here to see Clive about his website.
Clive's Wife: Oh. His website. Fine, hurry in, you're blocking the door.

Trash Bin: (sneak sneak)
Mickey: Did you just --
Trash Bin: Remain motionless like a normal trash bin? Yes.
Mickey: Well, something still seems odd. I'm taking a closer -- AAAAAA!
Trash Bin: Mmm. Tastes like a chicken.

Clive: The Doctor has been sighted many times, always in sinister circumstances. Look at these pictures! Here he is campaigning for Richard Nixon... and this is him getting Macy Gray a record deal... and here he is with the notorious Evil Bert!
Rose: Um, these photos are obviously doctored.
Clive: Exactly!

Rose: What a loon. A good 90% of those pictures didn't even look like the Doctor.
"Mickey": Say, speaking of, where'd he go? Because we should probably kill him. Kill kill kill KILL kill. Him.
Rose: Something seems odd about you. I'm taking a closer --
Doctor: What is wrong with you two?
(The Doctor yanks "Mickey's" head off)
Rose: What's wrong with us?

Doctor: We'll be safe in here. Nobody can get in... except possibly the police.
Rose: This is insane! What happened to Mickey? Who are you?
Doctor: Confusion's understandable -- you're 26 seasons behind. I'll see how much I can explain on the way. I began life as an unearthly child....

Rose: So now you're hunting this Nesting Con--
Doctor: Nestene. Common mistake. And yes, it's responsible for all these plastic shenanigans, which I will stop with my secret weapon: anti-plastic!
Rose: You're just being goofy for its own sake now.
Doctor: If only I knew where to find their transmitter! It's got to be some sort of huge metal circle....
Rose: How stupid can you be? Come on!

Gen. Jack O'Neill: Plastic aliens? Are you out of your minds? How did you even get into Cheyenne Mountain? Security!
Doctor: How stupid can I be, eh?
Rose: Oh, be quiet. Let's just go check the London Eye instead.

Doctor: Aha! Secret passage. Funny how no one noticed this at the base of a major tourist attraction.
Rose: Is that...? Mickey! You're alive!
Doctor: Yes, I didn't want to get your hopes up, but I knew they might have kept him around as part of their nefarious scheme....
Mickey: No, they just dropped me at a pub. We should go there sometime, Rose. I'll introduce you to Pete and Travis.

Doctor: I don't want to kill them if I don't have to. Stand back, you two -- this will require tact. (ahem) Greetings, little worms! I have come to discuss the details of your surrender!
(several Autons seize the Doctor)
Rose: A veritable fountain of diplomacy, you are.
Doctor: Well, I only try so hard when it's someone else's planet on the line.

London Eye: Check it! Heat vision!

Doctor: Uh oh. It's taking control of everything plastic for miles. Dummies, cheap furniture, most of Pamela Anderson....
Rose: I've got to warn Mum! (dials cell phone)
Jackie: (over the phone) Oh, hello Rose! Good news -- we can get you those buckets of cash! We'll have to sleep with quite a few bureaucrats, but I've already gotten a start and we can split the res-- (click)
Rose: Then again, who am I to say this isn't fate?

Clive: No, she didn't believe me, but she's proof that word about the Doctor is spreading.
Clive's Wife: How many times do I have to say I don't care until it takes?
Autons: (CRASH)
Clive's Wife: AAA! Living dummies!
Clive: The Doctor has sent his plastic minions to kill me and cover up his existence... it all makes sense!
Autons: (guns pop out of fingers)
Clive: Okay, except that part. -- GAK!

Rose: Hold on, Doctor! I'll save you!
Vial of Anti-Plastic: (SPLASH)
Nestene Consciousness: I'm melting! I'm mellllting!
Rose: But... but it's already a liquid...
Doctor: Don't think about it! It's a trap to keep us from escaping in time!

Nestene Consciousness: (BOOOOM)
Autons: (slump)
Pamela Anderson: Well, that was the weirdest ten minutes of my life.

Rose: What an ugly mess that was.
Doctor: I never promised you a garden, Rose. On which subject, how would you like to travel with me for a while?
Rose: Can't really think of a reason why not.
Mickey: Why not? He's bloody insane! He's an alien whack-job who'll get you killed!
Doctor: True. On the other hand, her alternative is staying with you....
(Rose runs into the TARDIS at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous fiver: Doctor Who: The Movie
Next fiver: The Unquiet Dead


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Zeke.

Haven't seen the episode? The transcript will get you up to speed.

Site navigation:
___ Five-Minute Doctor Who
___ ___ Ninth Doctor
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "Rose"

This fiver was originally published on February 7, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by the company that makes Doctor Who. We, the administration of Five-Minute Voyager, could not possibly have less of a clue who that is. Well, actually we do since SCMoll told us, but it's funnier this way.

All material © 2006, Zeke.