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Five-Minute "Doctor Who: The Movie"

by SCMoll

Eighth Doctor: The Master got killed by Daleks, but he wasn't really dead. He killed me as I was nearing the end of my seventh life --
Seventh Doctor: Excuse me! I'm not dead yet! You're only doing a voiceover here!
Eighth Doctor: I wanted to skip to my part of the movie...
Seventh Doctor: No.
Remains of the Master: Gloop, splat, sludge.
Seventh Doctor: He's sabotaged the TARDIS! We'll have to make an emergency landing on... Earth! Can you imagine that!

Chang Lee: Run! Evil Chinese gangsters!
Chang Lee's Friends: We're evil Chinese gangsters, too.
Chang Lee: But I'm going to be a main character, so despite my unsavory past, I must be sympathetic.
Chang Lee's Friends: GAK!
TARDIS: Vworp, vworp, vworp.
Seventh Doctor: America is such a violent place. GAK!
Chang Lee: Oooh, he's dead! I always wanted a blue box.
Remains of the Master: Gloop, splat, sludge.

Bruce: Do you now this man?
Chang Lee: He's my dad.
Bruce: Your Chinese. He's British.
Remains of the Master: Gloop, splat, sludge.

Nurse: Welcome to the hospital. We have a cardiologist, but she'd much rather listen to opera.
Grace: Put on "Amazing Grace," nurse.
Nurse: You sure have an ego, don't you?
Grace: It's Track 5, not 4!
Nurse: Shouldn't you be operating instead of worrying about your CD?
Seventh Doctor: GAK!
Grace: Oh, too bad. Put him in the morgue.

Bruce: I'm home honey!
Remains of the Master: Gloop, splat, sludge.
Bruce's Wife: What did you say? GAK!
The Master: Gloop, splat, sludge.

Seventh Doctor: Well, time for me to --
Eighth Doctor: -- be going. Good riddance. I hated those question marks. So self-referential of JNT.
Morgue Attendant: You're alive!
Eighth Doctor: I don't even look the same. How can you tell I'm the same person?

Grace: I hate my job.
Eighth Doctor: Help me.
Grace: Weirdo.
Eighth Doctor: I'll let you travel in my TARDIS.
Grace: Well...
Eighth Doctor: And kiss me. This is an American movie, after all.
Grace: Deal!

Chang Lee: My own private blue box!
The Master: No, it's mine! Be my slave!
Chang Lee: Yes, sir!

Eighth Doctor: I need a beryllium clock.
Grace: Let's steal one from a high-security facility!
Eighth Doctor: Excellent. Lucky I happened to land in the only city in the Universe to presently posses one.
Grace: Odd, that.

The Master: Kill! Kill! Kill!
Chang Lee: Calm down.
The Master: No! I am the Terminator!

Eighth Doctor: We're all gonna die!
Grace: And I'll help.
Eighth Doctor: What?
The Master: Heh heh heh. I always camp it up for the occasion!

Eye of Harmony: ME HUNGRY.
Eighth Doctor: Don't eat me!
Grace: GAK!
Chang Lee: GAK!
Eye of Harmony: I EAT HIM INSTEAD.
The Master: GAK!
Eye of Harmony: AND I UNKILL THEM!
Chang Lee: !KAG
Grace: !KAG
Eighth Doctor: Too bad I didn't use that convenient power to save Katarina. Or Sara. Or Adric. Or Peri. Or...
Grace: What's a temporal orbit? How were we resurrected? What did an alarm clock have to do with it? Why did the Earth get sucked in but survive anyway?
Eighth Doctor: You know, Grace, fans will be pondering the end of this movie for years...

Grace: Can I come with you?
Eighth Doctor: No! Hah!
Grace: But you promised!
Eighth Doctor: Sorry, but the show's been cancelled.
(The TARDIS dematerializes at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 9, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by the company that makes Doctor Who. We, the administration of Five-Minute Voyager, could not possibly have less of a clue who that is. Well, actually we do since SCMoll told us, but it's funnier this way.

All material © 2003, S. C. Mollman.