Five-Minute "Z'ha'dum"
by Nan

Sheridan: *snore*
Delenn: True face, eh? Boy, would it be weird, awkward, and potentially tragic if someone from Sheridan's past showed up.
Anna: I'm Anna Sheridan, John's long-thought-lost wife. You know, the one you and Kosh told him was dead, oh, mid-last year?
Delenn: Ack!

Anna: Delenn is really a two-faced Minbari in league with the Vorlons, the Vorlons just suck, the Shadows are who you should really be allied with, come to Z'ha'dum, you love Big Brother....
John: Gee, there seems to be something kinda different about ya, muffin.

Franklin: I'll drop a big hint and say she's got a scar on the back of her neck.
Sheridan: Yo?

Kosh 2: This is my only line.

Londo: Recognition and a position of very high authority in the royal court back home as the Emperor's right hand man? This sucks!

G'Kar: I've brought some really convenient nuclear bombs.
Ivanova: Cool!
G'Kar: You think some of them will mysteriously go missing?
Ivanova: Fpish! What're the odds?

Sheridan: You lied to me!
Delenn: Yeah. But only cause I'm sweet on you and don't particularly wanna see you die! Well, that and civilization as we know it would be destroyed if I didn't.
Sheridan: Like that's an excuse!
Delenn: Anna's a Shadow-servant.
Sheridan: Is not, is not! La la la la!
Delenn: Did I mention that I love you?

Sheridan: Hey, Garibaldi. Wanna help a CO out with a suicidal mission and get some work done? Or do I need to weasel you into this because you're my friend?
Garibaldi: I'll take door number 2, Monty.

Sheridan: There's my spare PPG. Hey, a mirror! Wow, I look intense. Hey, is that an ephemeral vision of dead Kosh?
Ephemeral Vision of Dead Kosh: I say again as I've said before, "If you go to Z'ha'dum, you will die." Apart from telling Morden to scram in Season 1, this is the second most straightforward thing I'll ever say.

Sheridan: Next stop, Z'ha'dum!

Anna: Nice ship. Don't mind my awfully weird reaction to the Vorlon tech.
Sheridan: You're having an awfully weird reaction to the Vorlon tech.
Anna: S'nothing. Vorlon tech creeps out the nice, warm, open, inviting, sociable Shadows, is all. The fact that I appear to be getting a severe case of the ooglies is beside the point...

Corwin: Um, we're surrounded by lots and lots of Shadow vessels. Kind of a shame we can't flee in terror.
Ivanova: G'Kar! Ya still got them warheads?
G'Kar: Yeah but it won't work since we'll foom ourselves at this range.
Ivanova: Great. Next thing you'll be telling me is that two of the warheads have mysteriously gone missing.
G'Kar: Um...

Anna: The Shadows built us this nice complex. Lose the gun, snookums.
Sheridan: Okay. Good thing I have a spare stuffed in my boot holster.
Anna: What was that, sweetie?
Sheridan: Nothin', cupcake.

Ivanova: Gee, I wonder where the captain is.
Franklin: I think I'll drop another large hint and mention the medical report which basically says that the Shadows are still evil, and Anna got put in a ship.
Ivanova: This doesn't bode well to me...

Delenn: I'd wonder why my relationships with men tend to end in chaos and death, but I'm feeling too guilty over the related fact that Human blood tends to get spilled in those instances. Hey, a message from John.
Message From John: Delenn, by the time you get this, I'll be at Z'ha'dum with my wife, even though it's a trap which will likely lead to my hideous and painful death or conversion to the side of the Shadows. Eh, that's the way the cookie crumbles. Anyway, remember when we fooled around with time in "War Without End" and I got unstuck? Well, I ended up in the future, and Centauri Prime was toast, so I figure I can stop it if I go to Z'ha'dum. I'm going on your advice from the future, here...
Delenn: Ack.

Anna: This is Morden.
Sheridan: We've met. He sucks.
Justin: You'll notice we're all very stylish, polite, and clean cut. And after a fairly extended segue I'll tell you my name is Justin.
Anna: We're gonna bash the Vorlons and talk about how great the Shadows are.
Justin: Ahem. "The Vorlons suck--"
Sheridan: Is that a "Chief of P.R." button? Excuse me while I go for my gun...By the way, I already know the truth. BANZAI!

Message From John: Well, bye. And I love you too, by the way.
Delenn: Choke!

John: Hello, White Star 1 on autopilot? Crash through the dome and detonate them fusion bombs.
Anna: John...dumpling, we can work this out! And please disregard the Shadows coming behind me obviously intent on mayhem. Wanna cuddle?
Sheridan: Fpish!
Anna: Y'know, while Anna's real personality died a horrible death in the insanity that comes with being stuck in a Shadow ship as a Pentium XLVII...I'm just as cute!
Ephemeral Vision of Dead Kosh: And now for the first most straightforward thing I'll ever tell you: Jump into that pit!
John: To jump, or not to jump. That is the question. Whether tis nobler to have your brains sucked out your ear, or leap into a two-mile-deep pit?
Anna: Is that a White Star hurtling toward us?
Dead Kosh: Jump, you moron!
Sheridan: Geronimo!

Corwin: The Shadow ships are leaving.
Ivanova: I'm getting a premonition...The captain's dead! Wah!
Corwin: Garibaldi's missing too. By the way.
Ivanova: Oh...riiight.

G'Kar: I'm being very deep and meaningful in this narration. Otherwise the massive events in this episode would just look dumb...transition, revelation...yak yak yak...pause...yappity yappity....
(Deep and meaningful speechmaking occurs at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on March 25, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Babylonian Productions. I doubt they'll mind, but if they do, I'll just sic Alexander the Great on 'em.

All material © 2001, Nan the Mysterious Romulan.