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Five-Minute "The Fall of Centauri Prime"

by Sa'ar Chasm

Narn Commander: --IRE! I said wait for it... aw, screw it. Carry on.

Londo: G'Kar! Come out of the cell at once! You might get crushed by falling masonry.
G'Kar: Why Londo, I didn't know you cared.
Londo: Oh, it's not that. Narn blood is a bitch to get out of stonework.

Garibaldi: (over the comm) Mr. President, I'm afraid we've mislaid your wife. She's been out of touch for about 12 hours.
Sheridan: 12 hours?! Why did it take so long for you to start looking?
Garibaldi: Well, we were all enjoying some peace and quiet with her gone....

Londo: What is that thing?
Regent: It's called a Keeper.
Londo: (points at Drakh) And who's that?
Regent: It's my Keeper's brother.

Sheridan: Tada! The cavalry has arrived just in time to prevent the barbaric bombardment of Centauri Pr-- aww, crud.
Narn General: Ah, good. You're just in time to join us.
Sheridan: You freaks! How could you do such a thing?
Narn General: That's it! I've taken your mockery of my skin condition long enough! All Narn ships: there's skin cream on that White Star. FIRE!

Regent: There's a perfectly logical explanation for everything I've said and done.
Londo: What's that?
Regent: I'm craaaaaaazy! Death to the fruitloop! Off with their waffles! Dance around the weasel!
Londo: I can't remember -- was he always like this?
Drakh: ...
Londo: You're right, stupid question. Can you shut him up?
Drakh: ...
Regent: GAK!

Ranger: Mr. President, when the Centauri ships arrive, do we fire on them or not?
Sheridan: I'm not sure... let me think... must consider all the possible ramifications of the situation....
Ranger: Sir, we have to know now.
Sheridan: You're rather mouthy for an underling, you know that?

Lennier: Just a minute... almost... aha! Got it!
Delenn: You've fixed the navigational thrusters?
Lennier: No, I've got Tetris working.

Londo: This will be our final parting. I'm not sure I shall ever be able to see you again.
G'Kar: Don't worry, I'll drop by in a decade or two and strangle you.
Londo: (sniff) I knew you cared.
G'Kar: I still owe you for that crack about Narn blood.

Londo: Someone order a Chippendale? (strips off coat and myriad other garments)
Drakh: ... (bares chest to reveal nascent Keeper)
Keeper: Waaaaaaah! I don't want to go!
Londo: I must say, I find this Keeper a trifle....
Keeper: Loser! Waaaaaah!
Londo: ....weepy.

Ranger: Sir, I'm picking up coded signals, but I can't quite make them out. I'm pretty sure this x2 functions as the symbol for Centauri.
Sheridan: And this 2x?
Ranger: Centauri Prime.

Londo: (over the comm) We shall never surrender! We shall fight you on the beaches, and on the landing fields, and in the cities....
Sheridan: Londo, this isn't necessary. I'm sure there's a way to resolve this peacefully....
Londo: I'm sorry, I've just been handed a memo. Apparently we surrender, effective immediately. ...Captain, dancing around and chanting "who's da peacemaker" is unbecoming.

Londo: All right, we've given up. Now what?
Drakh: ...
Londo: You know, I can't hear you unless you actually say something.

Sheridan: If it's not too much trouble, do you think you could help us track down Delenn's White Star? You know, the one your ships almost turned into an incandescent cloud of metal vapour?
Londo: Of course we'll help, but some time in the future I may require some -- (click) Lemmings! Tasty lemmings!
Sheridan: Is it just me, or are you making less sense than usual?

Lennier: We're almost out of options, but there's one last thing I could try....
Delenn: I shall tell you what I told John: I am not wearing that.
Lennier: Hark, the telltale sound of sensors picking up approaching Centauri vessels. Before we die, I'd just like to tell you that I wish I could Leia.
Delenn: Unfortunately, you'll have to go Solo.

Vir: (bursting in) Londo, I just came to tell you that --
Londo: Never come in without knocking! Never! I could have been naked!
Vir: In all the time I've known you, the closest you've come to being naked was that toga party Garibaldi threw.

Giant Londo Hologram: Now is the winter of our discontent, wherein we suffer the slings and arrows of outraged Narns. 'Tis better to have fought and lost than to have been bombed back to the Stone Age....
G'Kar: Is he still going?
Sheridan: It's been six hours already. I wish he'd get to a point.
Delenn: You're just jealous because your record is only three and a half.

Londo: And now the end is near... so I face my final curtain.
G'Kar: Don't be so melodramatic, Mollari, it's just a coronation. They wave a sword at you, drop the crown on your foot, and then you're emperor. Simple as that.
Londo: You'd think so, but I said "King me!" to the High Priest earlier and he beat me over the head with an Earth checker.
G'Kar: Perhaps he thought you were being metaphorical?

Sheridan: Wow, what an adventure. It's good to be home. Now, what do you have to show me?
Franklin: Oh, nothing. Just a little hell-spawned demon that chewed half my face off.
Shadow Hamster: (beams)
Sheridan: This cute little thing did that?
Franklin: Don't touch it!
Sheridan: Oh, stop being so paranoid. It looks completely harml-- GAAAAHHHH! MY JUGULAR!
Franklin: Warned you.
(The station spins at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 3, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Babylonian Productions. I doubt they'll mind, but if they do, I'll just sic Alexander the Great on 'em.

All material © 2006, Steven Maguire.