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Five-Minute "Babylon 5: In the Beginning"

by ArsenicMan

Emperor's Personal Journal: I had dreams of power. They were happy. But then my greed screwed me over. So I'll tell you a story now. It's called The Gathering. But wait -- I hear people!

Senna: Kids, get away before he hurts you! Those buildings that I said bad people made fall down, well... he's "bad people."
Londo: I haven't bitten anyone... at least, not today.... Kid, take this. You're the emperor for the next five minutes, coincidentally the length of this piece. So, what d'ya want?
Luc: How about a story? And make it entertaining, before I order your death.
Londo: A bit bloodthirsty at an early age, aren't we?
Luc: Story, or death. Pick one.

Emperor's Personal Journal, being retold as a story to a stupid little kid: Humans are boring. But I hid that from them when I was assigned to their drenhole of a world.

Londo: I heard the president was sick. After deliberately delaying a week, I got something that might help her or might cause severe diarrhea.
Annoying Politican Hastur: I'll take it. We'll give it to her in another three weeks, after we've completely simulated its effects, and after she's fully recovered because we took too long.
Londo: As expected. Well, you called. Is there something you want?
General Lefcourt: Yeah. Tell me how to kill Minbari.
Londo: Go to hell.
Lefcourt: What?
Londo: The Keeper may be able to assist you. Beyond that, I won't -- I'm covering my butt here.

Lennon: Waaaa! My Rangers aren't important enough.
Callier: Shut up.
Lennon: I'm telling the Grey Council on you!
Callier: I don't care, as long as I'm not there.

Dukhat: Valen said you would be ready. Why should we bother to help you?
Lennon: Well, Gul, you'll help us or I'll tell the others what you did to Bajor.
Dukhat: Wrong Dukat. I only speak cryptically; I don't enslave planets.
Lennon: Sorry. So, will you send a scout to Z'ha'dum?
Morann: We can't. But we can do what Sheridan did.
Lennon: Shouldn't that be "what Sheridan will do"?
Londo: This is my story! Just for that, you'll die later.

Lefcourt: Commander, I want you to take a job on the Prometheus.
Sheridan: But I already have a job. And I hate Jankowski after he punched my lights out at the last Earthforce Christmas party. And he's got a dude who thinks he's King Arthur as his gunner!
Lefcourt: He's not King Arthur yet!
Sheridan: Well... well... my dad conned you into this!
Lefcourt: Damn, how'd you know?
Sheridan: It's the only way I can get a promotion. But the answer's still no.
Lefcourt: You're an idiot.
Sheridan: I never said anything otherwise.

David Sheridan: So, how'd the job interview go?
Sheridan: I turned it down.
David: You're an idiot.
Sheridan: I never said anything otherwise.

Londo: So, how'd the job interview go?
Sheridan: I turned it down.
Londo: You're an idiot.
Sheridan: I never said anything otherwise.
Londo: A repetitive idiot.
Sheridan: I never said anything otherwise.

Dukhat: Will you follow me into fire, will you --
Delenn: No! What kind of idiot do you take me for?
Dukhat: Someone who wants to join the Grey Council and get a spiffy triangle installed in their forehead.
Delenn: But you don't have one.
Dukhat: Ignore that.

Jankowski: Crawl near those dudes we can't find on scanners. Pray they don't see us.
Commander Chafin: Sir, their gunports are open.
Jankowski: Well, blow those sacks of dren out of the sky!
King Arthur: Certainly, my master.

Morann: We're moving near those dudes who don't know us, and we're openly flaunting our guns.
Dukhat: Idiot! They'll shoot us!
(The Prometheus opens fire.)
Dukhat: AAAAHHH!
Delenn: Master! No!
Dukhat: Go look in my room. (dies)
Delenn: Oh, that does it. Blow those bastards out of the sky!

Lefcourt: The Minbari blew up our ships. Now they started hunting us. We're frelled.
G'Kar: I'll sell you Centauri weapons and pray the Minbari don't do any thinking about how you got them.

Delenn: Like Helen of Troy, I launched a war. But unlike her, I had fun doing it! Say, are you a Vorlon?
Kosh: Why else would I be in this suit? Do you think it's for my health?
Delenn: Why are you here?
Kosh: To keep you from destroying your race, moron.
Image of Dukhat: The Humans are special. We need the Humans to defeat the Shadows.
Delenn: Oh frell.
Ulkesh: Yes.

General Fontaine: Give me your notes on the Minbari.
Franklin: Bite me.
Fontaine: Okay.
General Franklin: Wait! Don't. Send him on a hopeless mission after six months in jail, instead.
Fontaine: Okay.

Sheridan: Captain's dead. Ship's falling apart. We're dead... might as well at least mine the asteroids.
Weapons Officer Azizi: Done.
(The Black Star blows up.)
Sheridan: Well, that turned out nicely.

Lefcourt: Sheridan, we're sending you on an unofficial mission to contact the Minbari out on an ice planet which is in the middle of nowhere until ten years from now.
Sheridan: Okay.
Lefcourt: You're an idiot.
Sheridan: I know, I know. Do you guys have to keep drilling it into my head?
Lefcourt: You'd forget otherwise.
Sheridan: Oh. Okay.

(The Centauri fire on the peace mission.)
Franklin: Uh oh. The Minbari ambassador is dead.
Londo: I told him he would die! Heh heh heh....

Sheridan: I have a message.
Sonovar: Bite me.
Sheridan: I know what is in Dukhat's sacred place.
Delenn: Let them go. He just gave us the key to victory.
Franklin: Nice going, Commander.
Sheridan: Bite me.
G'Kar: No problem.

Delenn: Hello? Are you here?
Kosh: We have always been here.
Delenn: But this ship is only two years old!
Kosh: Stop pointing out flaws in my logic. Do you want something, or do I have to punish you?
Delenn: How do I stop us from wiping out the Humans?
Kosh: Usually, the truth points to itself. Of course, lies do as well, but I think you'll get the truth this time, simply out of sheer luck.
Delenn: Thanks for the inspiration!

President Levy: We're frelled. But try to buy us time for the transports.
Mitchell: We can't win.
Sinclair: We have to.
Mitchell: But we can't!
Sinclair: Shh. Go die now.

(The Minbari capture Sinclair.) Sinclair: Why are you... doing this?
Morann: Because we can. (punches Sinclair)
Sinclair: Ow! That hurt!
Morann: Bite me. (punches Sinclair again)

Delenn: He has a Minbari soul... frell, it's Valen's soul!
Morann: Uh-oh.
Delenn: Have us surrender.
Morann: Okay.

Londo: There. You had a story. The war's over. Now, run away so I can go kill G'Kar.
(Centauri Prime turns at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 9, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Babylonian Productions. I doubt they'll mind, but if they do, I'll just sic Alexander the Great on 'em.

All material © 2003, ArsenicMan.