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Five-Minute "Movements of Fire and Shadow"

by Sa'ar Chasm

Drazi Ship: My, that's a big gun.
Centauri Ship: It's not the size of the gun that counts, but what you do with it... such as this:
Centauri Guns: KA-BLAM! KER-POW!

Logley's Loch... er... Lochley's Log, Incidental. It seems the Centauri on the station have been displaying a lemming-like ability to get themselves killed by members of species they're at war with. We've tried to quarantine them to areas that don't contain darkly-lit back alleys, but sooner or later Darwin always wins.

Sheridan: I was passing by, so I thought I'd drop in and bring the viewers up to speed.
Lochley: They know what's going on: the Centauri are fighting everyone and their brother. Still, B5 should be safe as long as the White Stars don't join in.
Sheridan: (cough) Funny you should mention that...

Sheridan: Delenn, honey, I need to ask you a favour.
Delenn: If it's about making a hazardous secret trip to Minbar about asking my government to build a new larger class of White Stars in conjunction with Earth, I'd be happy to go.
Sheridan: No, it's not that. (leads her to the bedroom) I'd like you to wear these...
Delenn: (SLAP!)

Vir: We need your help. The Drazi aren't returning the bodies of our soldiers, and they could be using them for wacky Weekend-At-Bernie's type escapades. Could you go make sure they're not?
Franklin: Of course. I have nothing better to do than go gallavanting off to a possibly hostile planet on a possibly sleeveless errand.
Lyta: I dunno, it's sounds kinda dangerous and expensive.
Vir: I have a Vree ship standing by....
Lyta: Free? Why didn't you say that to begin with?

G'Kar: Are you still here? This jail cell was only designed for one.
Londo: Don't worry, the people will rise to free me.
G'Kar: You mean those people out there with the Lock Up Londo signs?
Londo: Preposterous. I'm a well-respected and beloved figure. If I'm lying, may lightning stri--
Weird Light: (FLASH!)
Londo: ...

Drakh: I try not to look gift Londos in the mouth, but I believe he will suit our nefarious purposes.
Londo: Name: Chekov, Pavel. Rank, Admiral.
Drakh: How much morphine did you guys give him?
Londo: Meeeee... and my shaaaaaadoooooowwww...
Drakh: Close, but not quite. Now, I'll need you to take deep breath, because this will really hurt.

Londo: --ke me down. Wait, what just happened?
G'Kar: You had a nightmare.
Londo: I think I still am. The walls are closing in... I need to get out, I need to get out!. Don't just sit there, do something!
G'Kar: Let me see what I can get to rise to the occasion. (splork)
Londo: What are you doing... wait, no, not on my shoes, NOT ON MY SH-- aw, crud.

Sheridan: What's wrong with you freaks? Instead of fighting your own separate wars, you should work together against the Centauri.
Drazi General: We're all working together by ourselves.
Narn General: And I resent being called a freak. I have a skin condition.

Lochley: Egads! There's an incoming Centauri vessel preparing to destroy the jumpgate. Alpha Squadron, take it out.
(fusillade of fire)
Lochley: Lochley to Alpha Squadron: try turning your targeting computers on.
Centauri Vessel: (BOOM)
Lochley: That could have gone better. Alpha Squadron, you're demoted to Upsilon.

Narn General: They stop the destruction of their jumpgate by dumb luck, and they have the nerve to call us freaks.
Drazi General: Indeed. That's a rather nasty skin condition, by the way.
Narn General: Don't remind me. The Centauri took all our skin cream when they evacuated our planet.
Drazi General: You know, the Centauri have very nice skin. They can't possibly need all that cream.
Narn General: (grins evilly)

Sheridan: (over the comm) ...and so that's the situation.
Delenn: How's Upsilon Squadron taking their demotion?
Sheridan: They're radiating unhappiness, but they're hoping to be back up to Omicron by next week. Oh, one more thing before I go. Watch out for --
Operator: To continue this call, please insert another thousand credits.
Delenn: ...998, 999, 100.
Sheridan: --n your area, but I'm sure you'll be fine. Oops, out of time. Love you, snuzzlebunny. (click!)
Delenn: I hope that wasn't important.
Lennier: "Snuzzlebunny"?

Franklin: So if we turn up that narrow blind alley and go past the stall selling what appears to be dried spoo bladders, we should end up in... (turns map upside down) Hey, this is written in English. "Here there be dragons...."
Lyta: Admit it, you're lost.
Franklin: I'm not lost, I just took an extra left turn at Albuquerque.

Centauri Defense Minister: I can't go into detail, but I believe your venture will end in defeat. The Ministry of Defense cannot support your move against Deregent... I mean, the Regent.

Sheridan: Zdrai? Rann? Those don't look like any words I've ever seen.
Garibaldi: (bursting in) Mr. President! Bad news about the... are you doing a crossword?
Sheridan: Jumble. If I unscramble these letters, I can find a secret message.
Garibaldi: Yes, very nice, but about the Narn and Drazi... hang on, I've got a printout in my pocket...
Sheridan: Narn and Drazi? Hey, that fits! (reading in sync with and over top of Garibaldi) "The Narn and Drazi have sent a massive fleet to sack Centauri Prime and steal all the skin cream." Yes! Wait, NO! Wait, what were you saying?
Garibaldi: (crumpling up printout) Nothing important.
Sheridan: Those (freaks)! We've got to stop them.
Narn General: (over the comm) It's a skin cond-- oh, never mind.

Franklin: Doctor, it's nice to meet you. Wow, you're taller than I expected.
Drazi Doctor: I am? I mean, of course I am. I mean, uh, don't look behind you!
Franklin: You don't expect me to fall for reverse psychology, do you?
Lyta: No, he really doesn't want us to look behind us and see the assassins.
(divers alarums)
Lyta: (waving fingers) You don't want to kill us. You want to kill yourself.
Assassin: I don't want to kill you. I want to kill my -- GAK!
Franklin: That has to be worth a Dark Side point or two.

Sheridan: Sheridan to all White Stars: When I nod my head, hit it! (nod)
All White Stars: (clonk!)
Sheridan: Ow!

Delenn: What a pleasant voyage. I doubt we'll run into whatever John was trying to tell us about.
Lennier: Umm...
Delenn: Do I want to know? Probably not. Execute First Law and raise shields.
Lennier: Umm...
Delenn: Now what?
Four Centauri Vessels: ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!
Lennier: Our shields have been temporarily replaced with tinfoil.
Delenn: Oh, sh-- (BOOM!)

Drazi Doctor: The bodies are in here.
Franklin: Those aren't bodies, those are--
Shadow Hamster: (CHOMP!)

Regent: ...and so, on their orders, I've sent away all our defensive fleet and hung big signs in orbit saying "Bombard here for skin cream."
Londo: You've ruined us! You've destroyed us! What are we going to do now?
Regent: I don't know about you, but I'm going to Disneyplanet!

Lyta: (over the comm) We found these in a giant cage on the Drazi homeworld. The Shadows used these hamsters to power ships by running in a little wheel.
Franklin: My liver! It's gnawing on my liver!
Sheridan: This explains many things that have been baffling me.
Franklin: No! Now it's eating my appendix!
Sheridan: Do they always do that?
Lyta: All the time.

Delenn: I don't understand. Every other time our White Star took fire, it barely got scratched. Why did we get totalled this time?
Lennier: You know those background ships that explode if you look at them funny? We took one of those.

G'Kar's Diary: Day 293: still the scaliest. Damned skin condi-- oooh, pretty lights.

Regent: My, that's a lot of jump points. I think that

Londo: this is all

G'Kar: going

Sheridan: to

Regent: end

Londo: in

Narn and Drazi Commanders: Wait for it... FI--
(The Narn and Drazi ships open fire at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 27, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Babylonian Productions. I doubt they'll mind, but if they do, I'll just sic Alexander the Great on 'em.

All material © 2005, Steven Maguire.