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Five-Minute "Conflicts of Interest"

by Sa'ar Chasm

Client: Garibaldi, you're useless. The only communication I get from you is demands for more money.
Garibaldi: But...
Client: All I asked was for you to find my daughter. Is that so difficult?
Garibaldi: But...
Client: She's everything in the world to me! She's the only reason I crawled my way back to life after I was hung from a tree branch by my own entrails!
Garibaldi: She's right behind you!
Client: Why didn't you say so?
Garibaldi: Because you wouldn't shut up.

Sheridan: Zack, we have a tradition around here called Dead Man's Shoes. If you want Garibaldi's job, bring me his head on a silver platter.
Zack: I can't do that!
Sheridan: Fine, just bring me his shoes.

Ivanova: "Turn the War Room into a broadcast centre," he said. "It'll be easy," he said. He's not the one who needs to find enough power to send a signal from here to the Coal Sack.
Franklin: What about the Immaculate Contraption down on Epsilon 3? Anything that can send an entire space station back in time can probably handle something trivial like this.
Ivanona: (long pause) Excuse me. There's a shuttle with my name on it waiting for me.
Franklin: We have a shuttle named God?

Garibaldi: Zack.
Zack: Garibaldi. Sheridan sent me. He wants your link, your station credit card, and your shoes.
Garibaldi: I knew this day would come. He can have the link and the card, but he'll only get my shoes when he pries them from my cold, dead feet.

Wade: Mr. Garibaldi, I have a job for you. I need to get a certain someone onto this station without this certain someone going through normal security channels. Can you manage that?
Garibaldi: Sure. I know this station like that back of my hand.
Wade: Mr. Garibaldi, my employer prefers his operatives to show confidence, but hubris is just tempting fate.

Ivanova: You! I thought you were gone!
Zathras: Zathras gone, and Zathras also here. Zathras be here forever.
Ivanova: That's nice, but not helpful. What I need from you is --
Zathras: You need... more power! (gruntgruntgrunt). Fine. Zathras find more power. Zathras do this, Zathras do that... when time for Zathras?
Ivanona: Well, I --
Zathras: Zathras not talking to you.

Wade: Are you sure this is the right abandoned back corrider?
Garibaldi: I told you, I know this station like the back of my hand.
Wade: I do wish you'd stop saying that.
Garibaldi: Relax. I'm as likely to bash my head on a pipe as I am to find an ex-girlfriend behind this door.
Lise: Hello, Michael.
Garibaldi: ...Hubris is a bitch.

Garibaldi: Didn't you have a baby the last time I talked to you?
Lise: Yes, little Retcon. My husband divorced me and got full custody. He was right to hide her from me. If she could be turned...
Garibaldi: Lise, you're soliloquying again. I'm over here.
Lise: Sorry, got a bit carried away. I was a little arrogant going into the custody dispute. Hubris is a bitch.
Garibaldi: You'd know... birds of a feather, and all.

Sheridan: Gentlemen, I have a proposal for you.
Londo: Captain, I protest. Whatever you may have heard about the Centauri, we do not engage in cross-species liasons with --
Sheridan: Not that kind of proposal.
G'Kar: What kind of proposal is it, then?
Sheridan: It doesn't matter. We're not going to hear about it again for the rest of this episode, so I'll tell you about it when it becomes relevent.

Zack: All right, Computer, what do you have to bore me with today?
Computer: Trivial details mostly, plus the fact that Garibaldi still possesses a backup identicard which he used to sneak someone past your security protocols.
Zack: Of all the sneaky... who'd have thought he'd have something like that?
Computer: Considering he was your mentor and taught you everything he knows... you.
Zack: I thought we had that snark subroutine removed.

Garibaldi: What's so special about this cube?
Mysterious Contact: Well, you can make the colours line up if you twist it like so and like so... hmmm... maybe like this and like that... no, if I twist it like... ARRRGH! I hate this thing.
Garibaldi: Usually by this point I started peeling the stickers off.
Mysterious Soon-To-Be-Dead Contact: Well, whatever you do, don't GAK!
Garibaldi: That's generally good advice.

Garibaldi: My secret backup identicard suddenly doesn't work. I'll stall our pursuers, while you two run on ahead.
Lise: How will you find us again?
Garibaldi: Relax, I know this station like the back of my hand.
Wade: (sigh) Before I go anywhere, I must insist you put on this helmet.

Garibaldi: I find all this action/adventure most distasteful.
Wade: What, do you prefer the interrogation chamber?
Garibaldi: No, it's just bloody hard to five. Here, put on this glowing purple jumpsuit flashing "DOCKING BAY 3" in big neon letters.
Lise: What for?
Garibaldi: No reason.

Lise: So here we are in beautful, scenic... Not Docking Bay 3.
Garibaldi: Of course. I wasn't about to lead you to where the bad guys thought we were going. What do you think I am, stupid?
Wade: (opens mouth)
Garibaldi: Not a word out of you.

Zack: All right, scumbags, reach for the inner core! Nothing to say for yourselves?
Gunmen: To infinity... and beyond!
Zack: But there's nothing beyond infinity except more infinity.
Gunmen: To infinity... squared! GAK!
Zack: But infinity squared is still infin... oh, never mind.

Ivanova: It's good to be back home. Anything exciting happen while I was gone?
Franklin: Well, Garibaldi had a running firefight the length of the station, the gunmen killed themselves before they could be captured, and now Garibaldi's having his denoument chew-out.
Ivanova: Did I miss the entire episode again?

Sheridan: Would you care to explain to me why I have bodies lying all over my station?
Garibaldi: You know me... everywhere I go, people tend to turn up dead.
Sheriden: You're thinking of Jessica Fletcher.

Edgars: Well done, Mr. Garibaldi. I believe I have a job for you. You can be my bodyguard.
Garibaldi: Can I call you Al?
Edgars: I think not.

Ivanova: ...so the guy says, that's not my umbrella, that's my w-- what do you mean, we're on? (ahem) We're B5. Clarke sucks. Get liberated. Are we clear? That should hold the little SOBs for another week... what do you mean, we're still o--
(The test pattern doesn't spin at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on March 30, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Babylonian Productions. I doubt they'll mind, but if they do, I'll just sic Alexander the Great on 'em.

All material © 2006, Steven Maguire.