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Five-Minute "Intersections in Real Time"

by Derek Dean

Sheridan: Where am I?
William: In the pit of despair! (Check.) Now, tell me how many lights you see.
Sheridan: It's morning.
William: Close enough. (Check.) And now let me demonstrate my paingiver device.
Sheridan: ARRRRRGH!
William: And check. Now if you'll please sign this indicating that I've fulfilled my quota of interrogation clichés, we can get on with the episode.
Sheridan: That's a confession of guilt.
William: Heh. So it is.

William: All right. First question, have you been influenced by outsiders?
Sheridan: No. I am a rock. I am an i-- ARRRRRGH!
William: Seeing as you do feel pain, I think I can safely mark that down as your first fabrication.

William: We need to change your beliefs. Truth is relative and subjective. Only the Sith deal in absolutes.
Sheridan: So what are you saying? 2 + 2 = 5?
William: Well, seeing as I was rehearsing that line for my upcoming golf match later on, I'm rather hoping 2 + 2 = 3.

William: Would you like this sandwich? Don't worry it's not poisoned...
Sheridan: CHOMP!
William: ...much. But I can get you the antidote if you just sign this release form.
Sheridan: That's still a confession of guilt.

William: Sorry about the poison. Just a little iocane powder. But we insist on everyone being unhealthy before they're broken.
Sheridan: So it's to be torture.
William: It's already torture. Don't go stupid on me just for the sake of a movie quote.

William: Now, would you like to sit down in the silver chair?
Sheridan: It's not going to trap me in it, is it?
William: Oh no, no, nothing like that --
William: It's just going to trap you on it.
Sheridan: I hate you.

Drazi: I am here to confess to trying to overthrow Earth's government.
Sheridan: Don't do it! I order you not to because I, uh, have the Green Drazi Leader's cloth... somewhere.
Drazi: I'm purple.
Sheridan: That one too.
Drazi: Okay, I won't confess.
William: Sigh. Take him to Room 101. Now, Captain, if you'll just sign this paper indicating you witness his refusal to confess.
Sheridan: I don't see the word "refusal" on -- hey, this is another confession of guilt!
William: Curses. Foiled again.

William: Now while I leave you to contemplate the fate of the Drazi, I will let you listen to a recording I made over and over.
Recording: (over PA) Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was --
William: Heh. You didn't hear that. I meant this one.

Garibaldi: Stephen, it wasn't me! It was Bester! He reprogrammed me!
Lyta: He's telling the truth. Bester left a couple of perls at the bottom of the C of Garibaldi's mind.
Franklin: He did? Why that no-good, low-down python! I should have noticed Garibaldi was drinking all that java!

Garibaldi: Now that everyone loves me again --
All: Ha!
Garibaldi: -- I think we need to rescue the captain. And Lise Hampton. And --
Number One: Don't push your luck.
Garibaldi: -- that's all, folks.
Franklin: Remind me why we're glad to have him back again?

William: Sorry you had to be put on an IV, but we'll feed you real food if you'll just sign this form.
Sheridan: Confession.
William: So it is, but for Pete's sake, you should sign it anyway.
Delenn's Sake: Wooooooo! I'm a figment of your deluded brain telling you not to do it. And you can trust me because I'm you. AND Delenn.
Sheridan: Okay, I won't sign the confession for you, Delenn! That and I'm too weak to lift a pen.

William: Okay. Here is your last chance. Confess. Sign the paper, or they'll kill you.
Sheridan: Meh. I've been dead before.
William: Gah! Star Trek references! And this is supposed to be a climactic scene! I guess there's nothing left to do but send you to Room 101.
Sheridan: Me? Why me? Do it to Julia!
William: There is no Julia.
Sheridan: Drat.

Priest: And now we commit Captain Sheridan to the ground; mars to mars; ashes to ashes; episode script to episode script.
Sheridan: Episode script to episode script? What the heck does that mean?

Next Interrogator: Check. Now, tell me how many lights you see.
(Sheridan puts up with the same old interrogation clichés at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 4, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Babylonian Productions. I doubt they'll mind, but if they do, I'll just sic Alexander the Great on 'em.

All material © 2006, Derek Dean.