Five-Minute "The Cautionary Tale of Numero Cinco"
by Derek Dean

Lorne: Hey, Number 5, which of these two birthday cards should I send to one of my many offscreen clients?
Number 5:
Fred: Oh don't get him started. Once he starts talking, he never shuts up.

Angel: I'm trying to care enough to use this phone, but I'm just feeling disconnected.
Number 5: Maybe you won't feel disconnected if I connect your head with this window.
Angel: Alright, everyone. Take five, then fire him.

Wesley: Someone found 4 dead bodies, all with their hearts ripped out.
Angel: Where?
Wesley: The lastest was found in a church.
Angel: Having your heart ripped out in a church? Sounds like a temple of doom.

Gunn: Why is Spike coming with us to fight a demon? He's not even corporeal.
Spike: You know, technically, demons aren't supposed to be corporeal either.
Wesley: Good point.

Demon: ¡Grr! ¡Argh!
Wesley: BIFF!
Gunn: BAM!
Angel: POW!
Spike: WHIFF!

Spike: ...And I was completely useless against the demon.
Fred: Well, you still saved Sunnydale. That makes you a champion.
Spike: This better not be foreshadowing.

Spike: Why is there a coin slot on the side of your book?
Wesley: Nothing from Wolfram and Hart is ever free. Did you have a real question?
Spike: Can I shanshu since Angel doesn't want to?
Wesley: No.

Wesley: The demon is called Tezcatcatl. He's a Mexican demon. Killed by five brothers who wore numbers on their faces.
Angel: I bet they cleaned his clock. Where can I find one of them?
Wesley: Do I really need to answer that question?

Angel: Will you help me beat the demon?
Number 5: I'd just be a fifth wheel. Besides, I don't care enough to kill the demon.
Angel: Why do I feel a flashback coming on?

Number 5: Well, it all started back in the wrestling ring....
Number 2: Number One, make it sew!
Number 1: You heard Number Two. Sew!
Wrestler: No, I can't! I have arthritis!
Number 2: Maybe you should have thought of that before ripping my costume.

Number 5: We were unstoppable. We were high on life.
Number 5: Man, you are a high one.
Number 1: Well then give me a high five.
Number 4: No time for that! The devil has built an Aibo!

Angel: So why'd you stop caring?
Number 5: They made fun of us by creating little puppet versions of us and making five-minute parodies of our noble quest.
Angel: I'm sure no one would ever do either of those things to me!

Wesley: Hey, check it out, the demon attacked a veteran, a fireman, and a sandwich shop.
Gunn: Gasp! He's after heroes!

Demon: ¡Grr! ¡Argh!
Angel: BAM! POW!
Demon: ¡STAB!
Angel: Ay, caramba!

Angel: Stupid demon didn't take my heart. Maybe I'm not a hero.
Wesley: Don't think that, Angel! It's much more funny when everyone but you thinks that.
Angel: Oh, that makes me feel better.

Wesley: I hear you don't believe in the Shanshu prophecy any more.
Angel: Yeah, I've lost faith in prophecies ever since that one about my son killing Sahjhan.
Wesley: What are you talking about? You don't have a son and I'm not sure if I remember Sahjhan.

Gunn: The demon wants a talisman to become ultra-powerful, but he hasn't ever been able to get it.
Fred: Like Sauron and the One Ring? Are we going to toss the talisman into a volcano?
Gunn: No, it's been entrusted to someone ensouled but stronger than human. A champion.
Angel: As in me. Or Number Five.
Spike: Count me out this time.

Angel: All right, give me the talisman.
Number 5: I don't know what you're talking about.
Demon: ¡Grr! ¡Argh!
Number 5: Hey demon! You want your talisman? I swallowed it!
Angel: So you do know what I'm talking about. Liar!

Numbers 1-4 (inclusive): We have risen from our graves!
Angel: You'd better not be vampires.
Numbers 1-4: No, no, of course not. Now let's suck this demon's blood!
Demon: ¡GAK!

Number 5: My brothers came back! Let's drink to our health!
Angel: That sword in your gut doesn't look very healthy.
Number 5: Don't worry about me. I'm five by five.

Wesley: Angel, why are you reading parodies of the Number Brothers'
Angel: I didn't have enough money to call up the Shanshu prophecy, and besides, these parodies are only five cents a piece!
Wesley: Maybe they should be called fivers in Number 5's honor.
Angel: Nah, that's a stupid name. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got more parodies to read.
(Angel wonders why all the Number Brothers' parodies end at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous fiver: Conviction
Next fiver: Harm's Way


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Derek Dean.

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This fiver was originally published on October 7, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of material in here is copyrighted by Mutant Enemy, but since they unofficially encourage fanfic and such, I doubt there'll be any trouble. Unless their legal consultants are with Wolfram & Hart, in which case all bets are off.

All material © 2004, Derek Dean.