Five-Minute "Harm's Way"
by Nan

Video: Hey, valued Wolfram and Hart employees! Just a quickie: killing people, employee sacrifices, and drinking human blood are all now on the list of things we will kill you for. And smoking indoors. Have a nice day.

Harmony: Good morning, fellow employees!
(dead silence)
Harmony: Well, that's a buzzkill.
Tamika: Gah! My blouse!
Harmony: Hey, I'm having a moment here.

Dan: Hey! I was using the microwave!
Harmony: No, you weren't.
Dan: Well... shut up, I'm Lorne's golden boy.
Harmony: Well... shut up, I'm... er... just shut up.

Harmony: Good morning!
Angel: Mnph.
Harmony: Right. Shut up and fill out the background scene.
Angel: Bingo.

Harmony: Good morning, Blood Test Guy, how are -- ow! Why are my relationships with men marked by blood loss?
Test Guy: Mnph.
Harmony: You don't care, do you?
Test Guy: Bingo.

Harmony: Oh my god, you killed Eli!
Angel: Mnph.
Harmony: Right. Shut up and have the decapitated guy removed.
Angel: Bingo.

Gunn: Some demon activist is coming to help us with this demon summit. And if there's the slightest foul-up it could end in a bloodbath. He's the only one both clans trust.
Wesley: Therefore, he should turn up dead in about ten minutes.
Angel: Meh.
Wesley: Wait, why do we care if the demon clans kill each other? Aren't they intrinsically evil?
Angel: I said "meh."

Spike: Well, I'm leaving. Compared to you, I had a fairly normal relationship with the Slayer.
Angel: Sure, there, poetry boy.
Spike: Just for that, I'm stealing your car.
Angel: My effulgent car?
Spike: Shut up.

Lorne: Dan set up the seating arrangement. That's a good boy. Have a cookie.
Harmony: I did exhaustive research! On demon ettiquette! Don't I get, like, anything?
Angel: Yes. You can get us lunch.

Dan: Lorne gave me muffins! And values my effort. Can you taste the secret ingredient in these muffins? That's value.
Harmony: I know where those muffins can go, Golden Boy.

Gunn: Hey... that's a camel.
Angel: Harmony! You've got some splainin' to do!
Harmony: Hey, this is not a screwup on my part.
Angel: No, it's just a camel in the lobby.

Harmony: Nobody loves me.
Fred: I'm pretty sure there's a chance that's probably not true.
Harmony: So you like me? Yay! Let's go out drinking!
Fred: Uh...

Fred: Hey, this is actually (hic) fun.
Harmony: Alcohol makes anything fun. Ooh, look at that guy!
Fred: The guy with the big neon bullseye on his neck?
Harmony: That's him.

Harmony: Hangovers are bad.
Dead Guy: ...
Harmony: Uh oh. Alcohol can't possibly make this fun.

Cop: Yeah, so we found a dead guy in the dump. Figured you'd want to know.
Gunn: We own the L. A. police force. Good to know.
Cop: Doughnut?
Gunn: Don't mind if I do.

Fred: Hmm. He was killed by a female vampire.
Harmony: How do you figure that?
Fred: The red lipstick around the bite mark.

Harmony: Wait, it couldn't have been me. I wear pink lipstick -- ow!
Blood Test Machine: Boop.
Test Guy: Someone's been drinking human blood. Bad she-vamp! Bad!
Harmony: Um... henh?

Lorne: Hi, Harmon-- hey, that sounds like someone locked in a nearby closet.
Harmony: I hear nothing.
Lorne: Are you sure? Because it really sounds like people locked in a clos--
Harmony: Ow, those horns are pointy.

Harmony: It wasn't me, Fred! My lipstick shade is Peach, and that's clearly Harlot.
Fred: As clear as your innocence is to me based on that evidence, I'm just going to run away now.
Harmony: Why is nothing ever easy?

Demon: [We demand a sacrifice!]
Other Demon: [We also demand a sacrifice!]
Gunn: This is not what we wanted them to agree about.

Harmony: Hey, why are you holding my thermos? You killed him and spiked my thermos, didn't you? Didn't you? (vamps out)
Danny: Gahh! Vampire! Gahh! Oh, hi Tamik--
Tamika: Boo. (vamps out)
Harmony: Well, that was unexpected.

Harmony: So, you killed Toby the Dead Guy and spiked my thermos? I don't get it.
Tamika: You totally got preferential treatment, and you spilled coffee on my new blouse. Plus, I want your job.
Harmony: Like the blouse was such a loss.

Harmony: Die! Die! DIE DIE DIE!
Demon: [So-so on the form, but an overall decent deathblow. Three-point-five out of six, overall.]
Other Demon: [I give it a five out of six for creative use of chopsticks as a deadly implement.]

Gunn: Somehow, killing an employee made things better. Something about improvising with cutlery.
Harmony: So, I'm not fired?
Wesley: There are some issues about knocking out and confining half the main cast, but I think most of them are willing to overlook it.
Harmony: So, I'm not fired?
Angel: Mnph.
Harmony: Right. Get the coffee.
Angel: Bingo.

Spike: Well, I'm back.
Fred: Riding the camel to Europe didn't work out?
Spike: Never mention it again.

Spike: You know, mixed drinks don't really make misery fun. Though vodka might.
Harmony: Alcohol doesn't make much of anything fun.
Spike: Blasphemy!
Harmony: Hey, I'm trying to mope about nobody caring about me.
Spike: Tamika cared enough to nurse a fanatical hatred of you, and create an
elaborate scheme to kill you and take your job.
Harmony: That is so sad. But I'll take it.
(Spike and Harmony get drunk at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 7, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of material in here is copyrighted by Mutant Enemy, but since they unofficially encourage fanfic and such, I doubt there'll be any trouble. Unless their legal consultants are with Wolfram & Hart, in which case all bets are off.

All material © 2004, Nan the Mysterious Romulan.