Five-Minute "Birthday"
by Zeke

All: Surprise!
Cordelia: Oh, good. A surprise party. Because we all remember how well that went for Buffy.
Wesley: I... I never thought....
Angel: I did. That was one awesome night for me.
Cordelia: You lost your soul!
Angel: Well, later, yeah.

Cordelia: A taco! Thanks, Fred! And thank you to Gunn for the shrunken head, and Wesley for the boring-looking book, and Lorne for the seemingly endless tapes of himself singing karaoke. I need normal friends.
Angel: Don't forget my present.
Cordelia: Oh, thank you. It's a... a five-dollar gift certificate for Giant Tiger?
Angel: I can't believe how much those cost nowadays.
Wesley: By the way, the Powers That Be said they'd be getting you a present too. It should be arriving right --
Wesley: -- er, now.

Cordelia: Whoa. That was weird. I had a vision, and severe pain, and... okay, I guess it wasn't weird.
Angel: Cordelia! Answer us!
Wesley: It's no good... her body's out of commission, though her spirit may just be invisible somewhere else in the room, watching us and talking about things not being weird.
Cordelia: Well, obviously I stand corrected.

Fred: Hey, Cordy had pills in her pocket.
Cordelia: "Yes, Fred, you may pick my pockets." Yeesh.
Wesley: This is very strong headache medication.
Gunn: How do you know that? What are you, a pharmacist?
Wesley: Well, I've already been a microbiologist and an obstetrician this season alone, so I don't see any reason why not.

Angel: Looks like Cordy's been hiding something. Gunn, you and Fred check her apartment for it while Wes researches and I, um, detect.
Fred: You're just going to play cards, aren't you?
Angel: In a detective-like way.
Cordelia: It's so comforting to know you're on the case, Angel.

Gunn: I should warn you, Cordy lives with a ghost.
Fred: (gasp) In sin?
Gunn: Nah, not like that. He just makes her drinks, opens doors for her, presumably hides her secrets from intruders...
Fred: Coming here was completely pointless, wasn't it?
Gunn: Not completely. It stopped Angel from roping us into a game of bridge.

Cordelia: At least I can always count on Wes. Let's see what he's researching.
Wesley: Hmmm... comas... concussions....
Cordelia: Okay, so he's researching in the dictionary. It's a start.
Wesley: Ah, here we go. "Cordelia. (n) 1. The person you are not going to revive just by looking her up in the dictionary, you ponce." Damn!
Cordelia: You know, I'm starting to think Angel's method has better chances.

Fred: Hey! Are you rooting through Cordy's underwear?
Gunn: You'd rather I rooted through Lorne's?
Fred: (shudder) Hey, look at this... prescription bottles. This looks like headache stuff too. Boy, we sure learned a lot here we didn't learn from picking her pockets.
Gunn: Maybe you didn't. I ain't never gonna forget what I learned from that drawer.

Angel: Why were you hiding the pain from us, Cordy?
Cordelia: Because you would just have looked supportive and --
Angel: We would have looked supportive and pretended we understood!
Cordelia: Sigh.
Angel: Anyway, we have one last-ditch idea to save you. Lorne?
Lorne: I'm ready to try reading her -- all she has to do is sing.
Cordelia: While comatose?
Angel: Okay, here goes. (grabs Cordy's jaw and starts opening and closing it) We're Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band... we hope you will enjoy the show....
Lorne: Sorry, bud. All I'm getting is you, and you do not wanna know what's going on in your head.

Cordelia: All right, time for plan B: possessing Angel in his dreams.
Angel: Zzzzz-- AAAAAA!
Wesley: Angel, what is it? Were you having a nightmare?
Angel: Yeah... I was in the middle of one of my usual murdering-everybody dreams, and then suddenly Cordelia showed up trying to explain something.
Wesley: Then what were you screaming about?
Angel: I wasn't done murdering everybody! And it didn't sound like she was going to shut up and let me get back to it....
Wesley: There, there.

Fred: Bad news, guys. I found Cordy's CAT scans --
Wesley: Excuse me? I believe I'm the encephalographer here.
Fred: According to these, she's dying.
Cordelia: No fair! There's so much I never got to do... spend my Giant Tiger certificate... kick Angel in the nuts to thank him for it....
Skip: Don't give up yet, honey.
Cordelia: Have you considered who I'm giving up on? Hey, wait a minute! Where did you come from?
Skip: Oh, about twenty minutes away. I commute.

Cordelia: So who are you, anyway?
Skip: Isn't it obvious? I'm your father, Admiral Chase.
Cordelia: No, you're a big rocky demon.
Skip: Just yanking your chain. I'm Skip.
Cordelia: Really? Angel said he fought a nasty demon named --
Skip: Did I say Skip? I meant, um, Spike.
Cordelia: But you look just like his description of --
Skip: No I don't.

Lorne: Owwwww...
Wesley: I told you this would happen! Why did you try to get information from those violent sources?
Lorne: Angel said he would kill me if I didn't!
Angel: Oh, Lorne, you know that's not true. I said I'd kill you either way, but wouldn't drag it out if you did this for me.
Lorne: Anyway, I found something we can try. The Powers have this "conduit" that's pretty much exactly the same as the Oracles from the first season except that it's not dead.
Angel: Great! What's the catch?
Lorne: It's way more likely to beat you up than help you.
Angel: Hey, that's perfect. We'll have something in common.

Skip: See, you were never supposed to get the visions. That was just Doyle's revenge for getting fired.
Cordelia: Whose?
Skip: Doyle's.
Cordelia: Beg pardon?
Skip: You know, the Irish guy.
Cordelia: Oh, you mean Angel.
Skip: (sigh) Whatever.

Conduit: What do you seek, vampire?
Angel: Hey, you're a gelatinous cube!
Conduit: What? First of all, I'm made of stone, and second, I'm on fire.
Angel: Oh. I kinda thought all big underground cubes were gelatinous.
Conduit: You realize your chances of getting help from me just dropped to about one percent.
Angel: What were they before?
Conduit: Two percent. I'm not very helpful.

Skip: Have you ever wondered what your life would be like without Angel?
Cordelia: Without Angel? Is that possible?
Skip: I know it's hard to believe on a show where everyone's life revolves around him, but yes. You could have been a great actress, or at least a contender. The Powers can set that up for you.
Cordelia: I don't know... I'll have to ask Angel.
Skip: See, this is what I'm talking about. Let's go see what he's up to right now....

Angel: You've gotta help Cordy! I need her!
Cordelia: Awww --
Angel: To attract the teen demographic!
Conduit: I thought you needed her visions.
Angel: More trouble than they're worth.
Conduit: Her skills as an employee?
Angel: I can take or leave 'em.
Conduit: Her personality?
Angel: You have to be kidding.
Cordelia: So Skip, how soon can we start on the no-Angel thing?

Skip: Now click your heels together and say "There's no place like an AU."
Cordelia: This seems oddly familiar....


"Cordy!" Theme Song: Doo de doo DOO doo -- screw this, you can't do a theme song in dialogue.

Assistant: Great show, Cordy! Even those X/W shippers who came to boo you were cheering by the end.
Cordelia: Because you paid them off, I'll bet. What about the Amish guy with the tomato?
Assistant: It turns out he brought it to eat, not throw.
Cordelia: Glad to hear -- whoa, I just got a weird feeling. And it's not caused by your simpering eagerness for once.
Assistant: Really? What is it, oh divine goddess?
Cordelia: You're not helping.

Concierge: Welcome to the Hyperion. We offer a 20% discount if you don't ask about the evil spirit that's haunting us because Angel wasn't around to kill it last year.
Cordelia: I see. What do you have for people who have no idea why they're here except that the word "Hyperion" was in their heads?
Concierge: A stylish line of straitjackets. You can choose from -- oh, hey, you're Cordelia Chase! For you, free martinis.

Cordelia: Hmmm... I've got a funny feeling about this spot on the wall....
Wallpaper: Wait! Can't we talk this over? We -- GAK!
Address Written Under Wallpaper: Whew! Oh, thank you! I could hardly breathe under there!
Cordelia: Maybe I should consider one of those straitjackets.

Cynthia: Oh my God! It's you! Charisma Carpenter!
Cordelia: Cordelia Chase.
Cynthia: Whatever. I'm your biggest fan! I watch your show every day, which is hard because it's only on on Tuesdays and I don't have a VCR, but I have a pl--
Cordelia: This is 171 Oak, right?
Cynthia: Yeah.
Cordelia: Huh. I wonder what's important about this place....
Cordelia: Ah.

Cynthia: Hey, demon! Glad you could make it. As you know, I summoned you so you can cast your spell that makes TV shows come on six times more often.
Cynthia: Yes, kill those bad six days that don't have --
Gunn: Chaaaaarge!
Demon: GAK!
Wesley: Gunn, I keep telling you we don't need to yell "Charge."
Gunn: And I keep yellin' it, so there.

Cynthia: Who are you two and who said you could do that?
Wesley: I'm Wesley, crusher of demons, and he's Gunn.
Gunn: Actually, I do most of the crushing.
Wesley: I do!
Gunn: I do!
Cynthia: Look, I don't care! You killed a harmless TV demon I was going to -- oh, wait. This spell says "tuer," not "TVer." My bad.
Wesley: Don't worry, every translator makes the occasional mistake. Except me, of course.

Cordelia: Wesley? Wow, I never thought I'd see you again. Kinda thought if I did I'd see both your arms, though.
Wesley: I lost the left one to a demon which Angel might have ended up helping me fight if you had run into him at a party two years ago. Of course, that's just idle speculation.
Gunn: Besides, he really lost the arm trying to rob a vending machine.
Wesley: Demon!
Gunn: Vending machine!
Cordelia: Guys, guys... the thing is, I don't know why I'm here. I just felt drawn to the place.
Gunn: Maybe it's so you could meet me and we'd hook up.
Cordelia: Ahem.
Gunn: ...or maybe so we could take you to see Angel.

Wesley: Now be careful, Cordy. Angel's not how you remember him.
Cordelia: Whew! I remember him mostly as a brutal serial killer.
Wesley: Yes, I suppose that would stand out... at any rate, he went mad after getting the gift of painful visions.
Cordelia: How did he get that?
Gunn: Well, this Doyle guy had them before.
Cordelia: And how did he give them to Angel?
Gunn: ...Look, we don't talk about it. It was embarrassin' for everybody.

Angel: Demon... TV... address... one seven one Oak Yacht drive....
Cordelia: Yep, you're nuts all right. Remember me?
Angel: Remember? Something... Cordelia... Sunnydale... cat-girl... annoying KILL KILL KILL...
Cordelia: We'll chalk that last part up to insanity, but otherwise good. Hmm, this is good a chance as I'll get to stick it to Buffy and kiss you... is that okay with you guys?
Wesley: I wouldn't advise --
Gunn: Sure, go ahead.
Wesley: No, don't!
Gunn: Do!
Wesley: Don't!
Gunn: Do!
Cordelia: Whatever. (kisses Angel)

Skip: Oh, you were so not supposed to do that.
Cordelia: Hey, my memory's back now. Why did you let me change history when you knew it would mess things up this badly?
Skip: What's so messed up?
Cordelia: Come on! Fred's still in Pylea, Wes and Gunn are bickering nonstop, Doyle never had the glorious experience of knowing me... and don't the Powers at least care about Angel? He's their champion!
Skip: Let you in on a secret, hon -- he only says he is.
Cordelia: Oh. You know, I kind of suspected....

Skip: Now we're back to the original problem. As a human, the visions will kill you, but you don't want me to take them away.
Cordelia: Could I handle the visions if I were a Slayer?
Skip: No, but hey, that gives me an idea. I could turn you part demon.
Cordelia: Slayers are part d--
Skip: I said no.
Cordelia: Aw. I wanna be a Slayer.

Skip: So I'll turn you part demon and that'll fix everything. We'll just ignore the fact that Angel is all demon and the visions still drove him nuts.
Cordelia: And then you'll put history back the way it was, right?
Skip: No need. The Powers just did the whole It's a Wonderful Life thing again with Angel and he wished you had met him at that party.
Cordelia: This could go back and forth all day, couldn't it?
Skip: Nah, even the Powers can't make an episode run past 45 minutes. Here goes, and this may sting a bit....
Cordelia: YEAAAGH! It feels like an evil being is infesting me as part of an elaborate scheme to entrance the world!
Skip: That's normal.


Angel: Cordy! You're awake!
Cordelia: You bet! The coma thing was fun to try, but it just isn't for me. Now listen up, everybody, I'm having one of my new painless visions....
Fred: And floating!
Cordelia: I'm what? Whoaaaaaaa....!
Lorne: Uh oh. Must've been one of those Elmer Fudd things.
(Cordy falls down the stairs at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on August 4, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of material in here is copyrighted by Mutant Enemy, but since they unofficially encourage fanfic and such, I doubt there'll be any trouble. Unless their legal consultants are with Wolfram & Hart, in which case all bets are off.

All material © 2003, Zeke.