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Five-Minute "Disharmony"

by Andy Taylor

Wesley: So basically, we get to boo and hiss at you for being all mean to us.
Angel: But I'm a new person now -- I'm all hysterical and stuff!
Wesley: Whatever. Besides, it's not all bad; we've sorted out a new office for you.
Cordelia: Yeah, check out this shoe box space. You get to sit here next to the hamster.
Angel: I've missed you guys. Really.

Cordelia: Ow!
Angel: Hey, what's going upside your head?
Cordelia: A guy in a blue robe doing a bad priest impression. And things going upside my head hurt.
Angel: You should rest, take some time off.
Cordelia: Don't make me go upside your head!

Cordelia: You know, with all this stress of Angel being a wacko and me being visioned to death, we could do with some light relief.
Harmony: Hi.
Cordelia: Yep, any time now.

Harmony: So, Cordelia Chase, we finally meet.
Cordelia: But we were friends back in high school, you smutz.
Harmony: Well, I meant on this series. Anyway, let's go visit your house!
Cordelia: Fine. Now, just to be clear, you're totally invited over.
Harmony: (winking) That's good because I'm a totally different person nowadays.
Cordelia: Ooh, double entendres -- aren't we being clever today?

Angel: (stake) Another one bites the dust -- do you see what I did there? Hysterical!
Wesley: Is Cordy colour-blind? This robe isn't blue! Let's call her.
Angel: Well, I kinda overruled your authority and sent her home.
Wesley: Why?
Angel: Well, bored mostly. But she hates me!
Wesley: Na na na na na! She --
Angel: Wesley!
Wesley: -- hates you? Look, just give her time to work through her pain.

Cordelia: Hahahahaha! This is the best I've felt for years.
Angel: Shut up.
Harmony: Anyway -- we ruled and stuff.
Cordelia: Duh, we're Cordy! Or something. Hey, why so sad?
Harmony: I'm hungry. For your blood!
Cordelia: What?
Harmony: I said I don't like mud.
Cordelia: Oh. Me neither.
Harmony: But I like your neck!
Cordelia: What?
Harmony: I said, what the heck is, erm, wrong with the world?
Cordelia: Tell me about it.
Harmony: (stomach rumbles)

Cordelia: And now for some hilarious lesbian/vampire confusion!
Harmony: I have uncontrollable urges and also need you.
Cordelia: I said hilarious!
Willow: How about a cameo from me?
Cordelia: But isn't everyone sad that Buffy's mum just died on that other show?
Willow: Well it's not like Buffy died. Anyway, Harmony's a vampire!
Cordelia: Whoa, shock-o-rama!

Angel: Willow was adamant that Cordy was in danger --
Harmony: Hi.
Angel: Ha, funny girl, that Willow.
Wesley: Aren't you the slightest bit concerned that your friend is a vampire?
Cordelia: You'd think that I would be after I was concerned that she was gay, but nah.
Angel: Oh, erm, good, because I happen to agree with everything you've said or done ever and, erm, worship you!
Cordelia: Well, I guess I could use more fans. But you're still a freak.

Gunn: Hey look, I am in this episode! Go me!
Angel: Anyway, have we established a plot yet?
Gunn: How about, people going missing, dead bodies not turning up, and some sad pyramid scheme?
Angel: Well, at the moment, anything's better than --
Harmony: Pop the gum, rip the book, break the computer, act all blond, la la la...
Wesley: How was her ever coming here a good idea?
Cordelia: I have an even more annoying suggestion!

Harmony: Meeeeeeeeeemorieeeeeeeeeeees!
Cordelia: No, no! That's enough! Just the one word! For the love of God stop singing!
The Host: Just for that, her path is the same as yours.
Cordelia: What? What kind of crap are you pulling mister?
The Host: Like I wanna be associated with that car wreck.
Angel: Hiya! Wanna come with? We're gonna smack down that freaky pyramid scheme man before we forget the plot!
Cordelia: Anything, just get me out of here.
Harmony: By the way, I'm joining your crew! Hey guys, why are you running? Come back!

Harmony: So if we're evil fighters, we all need nicknames.
Angel: Ooh, you mean like Hammy secretly being Mighty Mouse?
Cordelia: You named our hamster? Twice?
Angel: Hey, it's a small office! And I'm hysteri--
Cordelia: Stop! Let's just do reconnaissance in that building. I don't even care if it's the wrong one.
Angel: But I can't, I'm too well known. And it's probably full of vampires, so you guys can't.
Wesley: Yep, bad idea brewing.
Harmony: Mister trouble never hangs around, when he hears this mighty sound...

Craaazy Pyramid Scheme Guy: So in case you haven't been following, my craaazy cult is turning people into vampires and we all wear pretty robes! Why? Who says we can't have fun on the weekends? You turn two, the rest is food! Turn two, the rest --
Harmony: Erm, is this hilarious lesbian/vampire confusion again?
Craaazy Pyramid Scheme Guy: Yep, we're craaazy like that!

Harmony: Quick, come this way, I left the back door open.
Cordelia: Hey, you're not bad at this.
Wesley: Yes, you've done well. I guess nothing can go wrong.
Vampires: You're surrounded!
Wesley: Except you reverting back to evil because you're evil anyway and were a sheep at school and would do whatever the cult said. Okay, how did we not see this coming?
Gunn: So how do we get out of this one?
Angel: Are our brains on holiday or something? We fight!
Cordelia: Shazzam!

Craaazy Pyramid Scheme Guy: Hey, you can't kill the craaazy guy! And why haven't I been in this much?
Angel: Duh, because you're just way too lame. (decapitate) I'm off to write Angel: How Comedy Saved My Life.
Harmony: What about me? I'm still here and currently evil!
Cordelia: Don't worry, I'm your friend, I'll kill you.
Harmony: How sweet! But I'll settle for a good, traditional running away!
Cordelia: Fine. Come on, I mean what are the chances that decision will come back and smack us down?

Wesley: Well, with all that wrapped up, there's just the you-and-Cordy tension.
Cordelia: Aw, screw off!
Wesley: Huh?
Angel: I bought her some clothes.
Cordelia: Oh come on, a little bit of shallowness to resolve the situation only hinders my character development slightly. NEW CLOTHES! YIPPEE!
Wesley: Eep.
(Cordy jumps up and down with joy for future title sequence at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 3, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of material in here is copyrighted by Mutant Enemy, but since they unofficially encourage fanfic and such, I doubt there'll be any trouble. Unless their legal consultants are with Wolfram & Hart, in which case all bets are off.

All material © 2004, Andy Taylor.