Five-Minute "Pitiless as the Sun"
by Zeke

Whendar: Hi. You're that Commonwealth guy, right?
Dylan: Well, if you want to oversimpli--
Whendar: Great! We're the Inari. Save us from our own inadequacy.
Gadell: And also space pirates.
Whendar: Yeah, them too.

Beka: I think we should help them because they remind me of me.
Dylan: And I think we shouldn't because they're a pack of good-for-nothing moochers. Hey, guess they remind me of you too.
Beka: Whatever. Trance, would you mind breaking the tie?
Trance: ....if he hollers let him go, eeny meeny miny mo. Beka wins.
Dylan: Nuts.

Whendar: Hey you in the purple. Congratulations -- you've won an all-expenses-paid trip to our homeworld!
Trance: How did I win that?
Whendar: What, you don't remember entering the raffle?

Trance: So that's the story. Can I go?
Dylan: All right, Trance, but I can't say I'm happy about this. I was sure my raffle ticket was a winner....

Logich: Welcome to the university. Here's your room.
Trance: What's with the big chair marked "Torture Chair"?
Logich: It lies. Now, I'm just going to lock your door from the outside so the vampires can't get in, okay?
Trance: The brochure didn't say anything about vampires.
Logich: Well, it did originally, but some idiot reflected that page and it disappeared.

Gadell: This tour is boring. When do we get to see the decontamination room?
Andromeda: Maybe in your dreams, you perv.
Dylan: Come look at the new command deck. It's shiny.
Whendar: How shiny is it?
Dylan: Let me put it this way... Harper's been staring at it for nine hours straight.

Tyr: I can't believe you're letting the Inari wander the ship!
Dylan: Patience, my friend. My plan is simple: we let them find out just enough to take over the ship and kill us all, and if they do it, we'll know they can't be trusted.
Tyr: Such a subtle plan does nothing for me. I prefer to inflict pain.
Dylan: Okay, you get the job of punishing Harper for designing a command deck with no chair for the pilot.
Beka: Hey, I want that job!

Logich: Good morning. Can I get you anything?
Trance: I could use a raktajino.
Logich: Oh, really? What could you use it for?
Trance: This interrogation gig isn't what you do for a living, is it?

Whendar: There's our frigate... oh, frig it!
Dylan: It's been blown up. That's a downer. Who could have done it?
Andromeda: Besides us?
Dylan: No, not besides us.
Andromeda: Okay, us.
Dylan: Are you stupid or something? "Us"... yeesh.

Trance: It all started in my youth. I had one of those Geordi La Forge childhoods....
Logich: Go on, go on.
Trance: And all the kids made fun of me, you know? Being purple is well and good when you're my age, but when you're a kid it just looks silly.
Logich: Now how did that make you feel?
Trance: Psychiatry's not your day job either, eh?

Beka: ....and when the bad guys attack us, Andromeda comes in and trashes them.
Maru: Why do you never ask me if I want to go on these missions?
Beka: Because you always chicken out, that's why.

Gadell: "Secret Room. You'd better not even think about coming in here, punk. Don't make me come over there." Ooo, I bet this is the decon room....

Trance: Okay, so now I'm in the "Torture Chair." It's still lying, right?
Logich: Sure. Now tell me all your secrets and I promise I won't not kill you.
Trance: Nice try.
Logich: Drat.

Whendar: Looks like the Py-- bad guys are taking the bait.
Andromeda: Excellent. With a little luck, we can get rid of them and Beka at the same time.
Dylan: You know full well that's not the plan. Hail them.
Pyrian: (over the comm) Quit protecting the Inari, you jerks! They're trafficking!
Dylan: What's wrong with that? It's just ammonium phosphate.
Pyrian: Exactly! Do you have any idea how environmentally unsound phosphates are?

Logich: Sooner or later my Aurora Chair will drag the secrets from your brain.
Trance: All, right, I confess! My species is... is....
Logich: Is what?
Trance: Purple.
Logich: Oh, nice "confession." Next you'll be telling me you're all sex slaves or something.
Trance: Do I look like a cluster lizard to you?

Dylan: Exhibit A: the Pyrians. Compared to them, we just suck.
Andromeda: Exhibit (NH4)3PO4: ammonium phosphate. The very sight of it makes them go Ralph Nader.
Dylan: Exhibit Scum: you. Any questions?
Gadell: We can explain. Or just blackmail you with knowledge of your secret non-decon room.
Beka and Tyr: Our what?
Dylan: Geez, Gadell, tell the neighbourhood....

Trance: Restraints go on, restraints go off. Just call me Trancedini.
Logich: I'd really rather not. Will you just stay put? The last one of you we had around here blew up half the planet.
Trance: You're worried I'll do the same, eh?
Logich: That or laugh at us.

Andromeda: Stay out of the secret room, you.
Tyr: But I'm sure I left my, um, nova bomb in there.
Andromeda: Out!

Trance: Okay, I'll let you try to kill me. Best of luck with that.
Logich: Look, I know you can be killed -- I saw the pilot.
Trance: Oh, that's a great source. I bet you also think Rev is important to the series.
Logich: He isn't?
Trance: This is the easiest interrogation ever.

Pyrian: (over the comm) Look, go away already! We really really mean it!
Dylan: You know, Whendar, I think you're the one in the wrong here.
Gadell: She is. I know it is true because the Pyrians sent me. I am their messenger, their emissary, their --
Beka: Snitch?
Gadell: Indeed, Ms. Valentine. Indeed.

Whendar: This is all the purple guy's fault.
Dylan: Trance? She's not purple. I mean, she's not a guy.
Whendar: Big ka-whoop. The last purple guy we ran into blew up half the planet.
Andromeda: We all heard that bit earlier. How did he do it?
Whendar: By the most fiendishly brilliant use of coat hangers we'd ever seen.
Dylan: What, you've seen better since?
Whendar: Pfft. Who hasn't?

Logich: I can't believe this! I've tried wooden stakes, holy water, garlic, fire, beheading... what does it take to kill you?
Trance: Bit of a one-track mind, Professor. Want to look in my eyes? It's better than IMAX.
Logich: Maybe I should just give up and let you go.
Trance: I approve. You must be exhausted... why don't you have a seat?
Logich: Does it have to be in the Torture Chair?
Trance: Heheheheheh. Of course.

Dylan: Glad to have you back, Trance.
Trance: Yes, thank you for "rescuing" me. I really needed it.
Dylan: Now all we need to do is find Rev, and we'll have our whole crew back.
Rev: (muffled) I'm still here! I've been locked in the closet all week! Let me out!
Dylan: We should probably begin our search on Kwolek.
Trance: Good plan.
(Andromeda slipstreams off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on September 18, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Tribune Entertainment. I don't think Gene would mind what I do in his larger universe, so he probably wouldn't mind this either.

All material © 2002, Zeke.