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Five-Minute "Home Fires"

by Zeke

Jamahl: (over the comm) It's you! I finally found you!
Dylan: Sigh...I always knew this day would come. Repossess whatever you have to, just don't give me any jail time that might weaken my buff muscles....
Jamahl: No no, I'm not the tax man. I'm Jamahl.
Dylan: Oh. Do you have a last name?
Jamahl: You couldn't pronounce it.

Sara: Hiya, Dylbo. This prerecorded message is to tell you about Tarazed, and hopefully cause angst.
Dylan: How much angst?
Sara: I said prerecorded, doofus. I can't answer questions.
Dylan: Then how did you answer that last one?
Sara: Oh, like predicting you is rocket science.

Rekel, Head Wire-Puller: Welcome to Tarazed! I'm Rekel, and I'll be your eye candy for this evening. Can I get you anything?
Harper: How 'bout some sugar, baby?
Rekel, Hot Woman: Dream on, lamer.
Harper: Fortunately, I'm used to rejection, having experienced it non-stop since birth. Hey, wait a sec -- why did your speaker credit just change?
Rekel, Harper-Weary: For reasons too subtle for you to comprehend.
Harper: Now just a--
Beka: Calm down, Harper. She's probably right.

Descendants: Surprise!
Dylan: AAAAAAAAAA! Who ARE you freaks?
Rekel, Hunt-Watching: They're the descendants of your original crew.
Dylan: Oh, great. Now I have to decide whether to sacrifice my life for them or save myself by erasing them from history.
Rekel Handling Wrongness: Your mistake is completely understandable, but this isn't "Children of Time."
Dylan: Really? Whew! I wasn't looking forward to finding out what the Kira/Odo of this series is.

Trance: Let's discuss the political system of Tarazed.
Harper: Why? That's stupid.
Trance: I know, but somebody has to help the viewers out....
Harper: The viewers can bite me. I'm taking the rest of the episode off.
Trance: Jerk. Rev, how about you?
Rev: WHOA! I think I'm getting a vision from Enigma the Mighty Evil God!
Trance: Excuses, excuses! Don't any of you people care about the viewers?
Beka: Not especially.

Dylan: Holy Xerox -- you look exactly like the original Rhade!
Telemachus Rhade: There are a few differences, but yeah, we're Bacically the same. Anyway, can you resolve a question for me?
Dylan: Sure. Boxers.
Rhade: Not that question. I want to know whether Gaheris was a good guy or not.
Dylan: To be honest, he died trying to kill me.
Rhade: Whew! Good guy it is.

Rev: What do you want from me, Spirit of Bashing?
Mighty Evil God: I come to bring you a warning. There are great changes coming -- changes which threaten all you hold dear.
Rev: When?
Mighty Evil God: It's hard to predict, but Dylan is the key. He will soon make a very important choice, and you must make sure he chooses wisely.
Rev: It better not be "Boxers or briefs."

Dylan: I dunno, Tyr. Similar I could understand, but identical? That's a stretch.
Tyr: You're right, sir. It could never happen.
Dylan: Agreed.
Tyr: And no teleporter could send a human into the distant past and back.
Dylan: Er...right.
Tyr: And a man could never survive being frozen in a black hole for 300 years.
Dylan: Um....
Tyr: And no one would ever be stupid enough to help a bunch of kids blow up a Magog solar system.
Dylan: Okay, you can shut up.

Rekel Hoping to Win: Wanna run in the election? There's absolutely no way you could lose.
Dylan: Hmmmm...okay.
Andromeda: The results are in.
Dylan: That was quick. How did I do?
Andromeda: Not so good. 95% of the voters picked Rhade, and the others crossed out your name and wrote in "Trance."
Trance: Heh. What can I say? I'm cute.

Dylan: Don't take it so hard, hot babe.
Rekel Highly Worried: You don't understand. This isn't just about power, it's about vision. You and I -- we stand for a system that remembers the past and learns from it.
Dylan: Continuity, in other words.
Rekel Having Wryness: Pretty much. And if that's abandoned, what do we have left?
Dylan: Normally I'd have a humourously dimwitted reply, but it's time for a Magog attack.

Dylan: Begone, you alien fiends! Flee before the mighty power of Hercules!
Magog: Darn it, we're not leaving until we've killed at least a minor character.
Jamahl: Will I do?
Magog: Sigh...yeah, okay. We would have preferred the Cynic, though.

Dylan: Okay, clear the deck!
Beka: Why, is Rhade coming?
Dylan: No no, I just need lots of room to play soccer with myself.
Tyr: Let me get this straight. You're going to play with yourself on the command deck?
Dylan: Do you have a problem with that?

Rhade: Hi. Can we talk?
Dylan: No way, traitor. We're going to re-enact my fight with your dad, up to and including the death part.
Rhade: Hold it -- my dad?
Dylan: You know, Gaheris.
Rhade: He wasn't my dad, he was my great-great-great--
Dylan: Great? Never! Only I am great!
Rhade: Hoooo boy. Your personality type will work perfectly, but I think you may lack the intelligence my plan requires.
Dylan: Plan? What plan?
Rhade: Allow me to explain....

Mighty Evil God: It's about to happen! GO!
Rev: Hmmm...now that you've told me, I don't need you anymore, right?
Mighty Evil God: Well --
Rev: "Endgame."
Rev: Heheheheh. I love doing that.

Rhade: See, my opponent advocates a system of learning from the past. But how can we expect our citizens to remember things? Do you remember where you were just last scene?
Dylan: The gelatin store?
Rhade: My point exactly. What we need is a government that focuses on living for the moment. No changing attitudes, no complicated issues -- just fast action and maybe some special effects.
Dylan: I like that idea, but what's in it for me?
Rhade: Plenty: my new system places enormous emphasis on you. You will be everyone's hero, the idol of millions, overshadowing all characters around you.
Dylan: Rhade, you've got yourself a convert!
Rhade: Cool. Now there's just one more step to take....

Rekel Horrified Wildly: You're firing me?
Rhade: Don't think of it as being fired -- think of it as making a great sacrifice for the new system.
Rekel Hugely Wronged: You can't do this! I created this whole governmental system, and all you're going to do is corrupt it!
Dylan: Who cares? I benefit, and I think we can all agree that the only person here who matters is me.
Rev: Wait! Stop, Captain Hunt! You've making a terrible mistake!
Dylan: What are you doing here?
Rev: The MEG warned me you'd screw up, and she was right! Don't you see? Rhade is just using your ego to --
Dylan: Screw you, inferior being. Who cares what you think?
Rev: Okay, know what? I'm allergic to this kind of crap. I quit.

Andromeda: Sigh....
Dylan: What's the matter? Everything turned out just fine.
Andromeda: Well, I guess so. But I can't help wondering if this whole change of direction is a mistake.
Dylan: Mistake? It's the best idea I've ever had! Now that we're rid of that Really Horrible Whiner, we're free to forget the past, ignore all consequences, and live like kings.
Andromeda: But doesn't that seem shallow to you? Doesn't our existence merit some kind of deeper analysis and consideration?
Dylan: I am afraid I do not understand the question.
(Andromeda slipstreams off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 8, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Tribune Entertainment. I don't think Gene would mind what I do in his larger universe, so he probably wouldn't mind this either.

All material © 2002, Zeke.