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Five-Minute Aliens


Salvage Guy 1: Ooh, a mint-condition escape pod from an M-Class Starfreighter -- this sucker's limited edition. You don't make a discovery like that every day.
Salvage Guy 2: Ooooh! A mint-condition Sigourney Weaver! I haven't seen one of those in...
Salvage Guy 1: (amazed) Twenty years....

Burke: Hey, kiddo. Ya sleep well?
Ripley: (Yawn) Yeah.... How long was I out?
Burke: Oh, fifty-seven years.
Ripley: ACK!
Burke: What's the matter? Was it something I--
Alien: (bursting out of Ripley's chest) Meow.

Ripley: AAAAAAAA! Oh wait, it's a dream....
Burke: It's okay, kiddo.
Ripley: Hmmm.... How long was I out?
Burke: Oh, fifty-seven years.

Ripley: AAAAAAAA! Oh wait, it's a--
Burke: Nope.

Investigator: So you're basically saying that an unstoppable alien life form with acid for blood and a feeding tube which it uses to impregnate starfreighter crewmembers was let loose aboard the ship and destroyed everything except for you, the escape pod, and the friggin cat?
Ripley: In a nutshell, yes.
Investigator: It is the finding of this court that you are insane. You are sentenced to six months of psychometric evaluation, and your freighter license is revoked.
Ripley: Psychometric?
Investigator: Yeah, we measure sanity in kiloloons now.

Burke: Ripley, open the door. We've lost contact with LV-426.
Ripley: LV-426?
Burke: Yeah, it's that planet from the last film with that colony on it now.
Ripley: Colony?
Burke: Yeah, it's a settlement where families live and terraform the planet.
Ripley: Families?
Burke: Yeah, and we've lost contact so we need your help to go in and kick some @$$.
Ripley: @$$?
Burke: At the money. Jeez, what did you think I meant?

Everyone: (Yawn)
Apone: All right everyone, up an' at 'em
Hicks: I see London, I see France--
Ripley: Oh, come on. You're just saying that because we forgot to do that joke last movie.
Hicks: Yep.

Bishop: Hello, I am a robot.
Ripley: Leave me alone, I don't like robots.
Bishop: Hello, I am a robot.
Ripley: I said, leave me alone!
Bishop: Hello, I am a robot.
Ripley: So Bishop, are you self-aware?
Bishop: Processing....
Ripley: That oughta keep 'em busy.

Hudson: Passengers, please stand by to ride the world famous Whoosh-URP dropship!
Ripley: What does that mean?
Dropship: Whoosh!
Everyone: URP!

Apone: All right everyone; disperse, flank, provide cover, and other Marine-like stuff.
Hudson: But the real marines are given clear, direct orders, sir.
Apone: Semper Fi, Lieutenant.
Hudson: Are you sure you know what that means?
Apone: Yes! Now Semper Fi the hell up and get to work!

Hicks: (over the comm) Over here, we have some walkways which have been corroded by alien carcasses.
Gorman: Good. Area secured. Move on to the next one.
Hicks: All right.... here we have some live face huggers.
Gorman: Excellent. Area secured. Let's go check things out, Ripley.
Ripley: Um....

Vasquez: I'm detecting movement. Something's heading right for us.
Burke: Shoot anything with lines.
Burke: Clever girl.

Ripley: So how'd a little girl like you survive so long in an alien-infested colony?
Newt: Those guys were nothing. That wooden witch was the real challenge.

Hudson: I found all the colonists. Let's move.
Ripley: Wait, how'd you do that?
Hudson: *sniff, sniff*
Ripley: Oh.

Apone: (over the comm) All the characters left out of the fiver are dead! We're losing good men, fast!
Ripley: Meh, this movie had too many characters anyway. How many of us are left?
Burke: Uh, nine.
Alien: (over the comm) Meow.
Apone: GAK!
Burke: Eight.
Ripley: Good, keep 'em coming.

Vasquez: So what now?
Ripley: We nuke this joint.
Burke: Hold on, let me think of a reason you can't do that.
Hicks: Screw that, I'm in command now. Nuke on!
Ripley: Great! Now all we need to do is call the dropship in and we're outta here.
Pilot: (over the comm) AIIIEEEE!
Hicks: That is not a good sign.

Hicks: The ALIENS --
Ripley: (ahem)
Hicks: Sorry, aliens, appear to be following this long, conspicuous trench toward a meter-wide exhaust port. We'll put sentry guns here and here.
Ripley: Are you sure that will work?
Hicks: Of course it won't, but it'll make for some good filler between bloodbaths.

Bishop: Hello, I am a robot.
Ripley: That's nice. What can you tell us about these organisms?
Bishop: Processing....
Ripley: (sigh) Just make sure you destroy the dead face huggers when you're done.
Bishop: Unable to comply. Orders are to bring them back to Earth in stasis. Signed: Burke, Carter. Stardate One. One. Zero. Zero. One. Zero--
Ripley: Oh really...?
Bishop: Zero. One. One. One. Zero. One....

Ripley: What's this about orders to bring back some organisms?
Burke: That's nothing compared to all the colonists I had killed.
Ripley: WHAT?
Burke: Relax, I'm really mad about all those women and children....
Ripley: Fine. I still wish you Hell in the future.

Bishop: Danger! Danger!
Ripley: What now?
Bishop: Coolant leak! Imminent nuclear meltdown!
Vasquez: How long?
Bishop: Oh, four hours ago. I guess I'll go and try to remotely pilot the second dropship to our position.
Ripley: Since when do you talk normally?
Bishop: Since always. Before I was merely trying to satire modern prejudices about artificial life and their contrib--
Ripley: All right Commodore 64, can it and get moving.

Ripley: Zzzzz-- How long was I out?
Face Hugger 1: Oh, just a few minutes. I can help you get back to sleep if you'd like.
Ripley: Crap. Uh... hold on a sec.
Face Hugger 1: All right.
Ripley: Newt, quick -- wake up and start screaming!
Face Hugger 2: I didn't appreciate that ruse.
Hicks: Rue this.
Face Huggers: GAK!

Ripley: Burke did it. He let the face huggers out.
Hicks: But why?
Hudson: Because Paul Reiser is evil.

Power: Fzzt.
Vasquez: Oh great, they cut the power.
Aliens: Meow.
Everyone: Crud.

Burke: Let me check the schedule on my PDA real quick... "(1) Infect Ripley". Crap, better replace that with "Lock self in room and await deaths of others". Then "(2) Escape to freedom" and "(4) Profit" stay unchanged. All right, so--
Alien: Purrrr....
Burke: Aw, how-- GAK!

Hudson: GAK!
Gorman and Vasquez: GAK!
Ripley: Our odds may have decreased, but now my screen time sure won't.

Newt: AIEEEEeeeeeee!
Hicks: It's okay -- newts can swim, right?
Ripley: (sigh)

Bishop: Twenty six minutes to spare! Sometimes I even amaze myself.
Ripley: We're going back for Newt.
Bishop: I'm not sure that's such a great idea....
Ripley: Look, I went back for the stupid cat -- of course I'm gonna go after the little girl playing the daughter role.
Bishop: Point.

Face Hugger: Mmmm -- you don't get fresh Newt everyday.
Ripley: Mmmm, fried crab legs. (Uses flamethrower on face hugger)
Ripley and Newt: (munch, munch)

Alien Queen: Hello, guests of my Kingdom. As long as you don't provoke me,
you should easily make it out of here.
Ripley: Mmmm, fried eggs. (Uses flamethrower on the queen's eggs)
Queen: That wasn't very bright.
Ripley: Meh, anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me.

Ripley: Let's blow this joint -- to the dropship!
Ripley: (ahem) To the dropship!
Ripley: (sigh) What is my name?
Bishop: (from the dropship) Your name is Ellen, seeker.
Ripley: Great. Punch it, kid.

Colony: KA-BOOM!

Bishop: Hello, I am a robot.
Ripley: I know this much. Thanks for the rescue and stuff.
Bishop: Danger! Danger! GAK!
Queen: Easy come, easy go.
Ripley: Crap.

Queen: Stop hiding and get out here! And you better not be wearing some
dumb robotic load-lifter suit.
Ripley: Hey, look at me! I'm robo-Sigourney!
Queen: I see no significant difference.
Ripley: That's it, you're going down.
Queen: GAK!

Ripley's Log: So now we lay down for a much-needed slumber. As we hurtle toward Earth, we can only dream of the peaceful terrestrial adventures which--
David Fincher: Ha! Dream on.
(The Sulaco speeds into the unknown at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on December 2, 2003.

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