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Five-Minute Alien


Mother: (Yawn)... Damn! I woke up right before my alarm was supposed to go off. I hate it when that happens!
Kane: Aw, did you have to wake the rest of us up too?
Mother: Of course. I'm the Mother here....

Lambert: Wait, I don't see Earth.
Kane: Is that it?
Ash: No, that is Earth 2.
Ripley: Ugh, please don't contaminate our sci-fi universe with theirs.

Dallas: Okay, here's the scoop. There's this alien signal: "HRY YJR JR:: SESU GTP< JRTR@"
Ripley: Sounds like a phrase any net geek could translate.
Dallas: Right, but we can't. Meaning we've gotta investigate this planet.
Parker: I don't get it. Can't we just go home and get paid or something?
Dallas: No. Somehow I think ALIEN is a lot scarier than PAYCHECK.

Parker: That was some landing! It'll take at least 25 hours to fix the ship.
Ash: No hurry. Now then, we should investigate that signal....
Parker: Didn't you hear me? 25 hours is a long time!
Dallas: Yeah, but it's been like 10 hours already. This movie doesn't exactly cut to the chase, ya know.

Dallas: What's that? A ship?
Lambert: It's beautiful.
Ash: (over the comm) It is intriguing.
Kane: It's only a model....
Ash: Shh!

Dallas: Ooh, a creepy dead ALIEN!
Kane: That's it? That's the bad guy? Some dead fossil strapped to a chair?
Dallas: Well technically it's not a fossil since its organic structure couldn't have been replaced by roc--
Kane: Oh, drop dead.
Dallas: You first.

Ripley: Wait a sec, I think the message we intercepted was a warning. I'm gonna warn them.
Ash: No need. I mean, if there is an impossible to kill ALIEN out there, it will be too late by the time you get there.
Ripley: Good point. I think....

Kane: Oooh, I found eggs.
Dallas: (over the comm) You might wanna be careful with those.
Kane: No, it's okay. They don't match the poster art so I should be finnnmmmMMPPHH!

Lambert: Let us in, there's something attached to Kane's face!
Ripley: (over the comm) Is it alive?
Lambert: Yes.
Ripley: Is it dangerous looking?
Lambert: Yes.
Ripley: I'm thinking he shouldn't come on board.
Ash: Seems safe enough to me (opens hatch).
Ripley: Your funeral.

Ash: Look at that! He has some sort of ALIEN attached to his face!
Dallas: Cut it off.
Face Hugger: Don't make me kill him!
Dallas: Meh.
Face Hugger: Uh.... Don't make me bleed acid all over the place!
Dallas: I suddenly think you two look good together.

Ash: My preciousss ALIEN. It shall be ours!
Ripley: (Ahem), I said not to let Kane in.
Ash: I was following an indirect order.
Ripley: How's that?
Ash: I have no idea. But it is funny, is it not? All orders are direct, right?
Ripley: I guess....
Ash: It is a strange world we live in, where we say things we do not mean. Anyway, I had better go.
Ripley: Goodbye. (Thinking) wait, didn't I have a point?

Ash: I think you had better see this. The ALIEN is gone.
Dallas: Shoot, this movie coulda been a helluva lot scarier.
Ash: Aw, we could have had so many more cheap scares, like bins falling over or creatures falling from the ceiling.
Face Hugger: GAK!
Ripley: Aaagh!

Ash: I think we should study it.
Dallas: Okay.
Ash: ...and use it to breed high-tech monsterses.
Dallas: Okay.
Ripley: Wait, isn't that kinda risky?
Dallas: (sigh) Who died and made you science officer?

Ash: Hey, check this out -- Kane is alive!
Kane: Pfft, of course I'm alive. If the worst this film's ALIEN can dish out is 24 hours of lip-locking, I think things are gonna be just peachy.
Ripley: Okay, this is bothering me -- can we cut this "ALIEN" crap? All we've seen so far is a geriatric and a nympho. It's pretty safe to conclude that the real deal is gonna be a bit scarier, and then we're not gonna want to be as sardonic with the shift key.
Kane: Sheesh, we get the point. Now let's get something to eat and head back toward earth; my stomach is literally growling!

Parker: --so I says to the Rabbi, "It's not my yarmulke"
Kane: Hahaha! AhahaACK! HACK! GAK!
Ripley: Excuse me, but weren't you listening with the whole name thing? I mean, really....
Alien: (sigh)

Dallas: Alright, so what do we have for weapons?
Brett: This waffle iron will crush anything within a few inches from the hinge.
Parker: This butterfly net can catch anything lighter than five pounds without substantial ripping.
Ash: I have this freaky noise-maker which will startle anything in the room.
Dallas: That's all we've got guys? We don't have anything more... intimidating?
Ash: Relax, the creature is just an infant. I bet we could catch him with a three pound butterfly net.

Ripley: Here, alien alien alieaaGGH!
Jones: Meow (flees).
Brett: Oh, it's just the cat. (Ahem) Here, kitty kitty kittyACK!
Alien: Meow (kills Brett).

Ash: Apparently it got rather large.
Dallas: Apparently. Suggestions?
Ash: Why not increase the temperature dramatically? It will produce nifty condensation and heat blur effects.
Dallas: Excellent. What else?
Ash: How about a volunteer to go into the ventilation shaft and face the creature head on?
Ripley: I volunt--
Dallas: Not so fast. We've gotta go against the grain with this one and kill off all the Caucasian males first. I guess I'll be meeting up with the rest of you soon!

Ripley: (over the comm) Shoot, it's comin right toward ya!
Alien: Boo!
Waffle Iron: Clamp!
Alien: ....
Dallas: Oh, sh--
Alien: Munch.

Ripley: Okay, we've gotta look on the bright side of things here.
Lambert: What bright side? We're all gonna die!
Ripley: Well with Dallas dead, we've all been promoted.
Lambert: Yippee!

Ripley: So what's up, mother?
Mother: Oh, you've just been sent on a suicide mission by the company.
Ash: Have not.
Ripley: Wait, what are you doing here?
Ash: Defending Mother from the filthy humanses.
Ripley: A likely story. I bet you're some sort of Bilbot, aren't you?
Ash: Fzzzt.
Ripley: Thought so.

Ripley: Okay, give us some answers.
Ash's Fried Robotic Head: What? I thought it was clear. The company wants you to bring the lifeform back so it can make foolish biological weapons.
Ripley: That's believable. And what happens when the United Planets goes in to find these weapons?
Ash: They'll be hidden inside human hosts. The war will be considered unsuccessful and the company will get UP aid after the war.
Ripley: Ingenious!

Ripley: Okay, let's set the self-destruct and escape in the shuttle. You
guys go get the supplies; I'll wander around aimlessly for ten minutes.
Parker: Oka--GAK!
Lambert: Sur--GAK!
Ripley: Make that twenty minutes.

Mother: This ship will self-destruct in ten minutes. Please grope your way toward the shuttle amidst these seizure-inducing strobe lights now.

Alien: Meow.
Jones: Pfft, poser....

Ripley: Punch it!
Shuttle: Zip!
Nostromo: KA-BOOM!

Ripley: Well then, now's as good a time as ever to strip and get into bed.
Alien: (Ogle)
Ripley: Er, how'd you know to hide on the shuttle?
Alien: It was the only place where I could sleep without having to worry about the Disco Inferno lights.

Ripley: (Opens airlock) Hmm, this grappling hook gun would've come in handy several deaths ago. (Aims, fires)
Alien: You know, I can survive pretty much anywhere.
Ripley: Good. Just make sure you do it out there.
(Hatch closes, shuttle accelerates away from alien)

Ripley's Log: Being the only survivor of the Nostromo, I suppose now's as good a time as ever to catch some Zs in the cryosleep chamber. I can only hope that I'll wake up to the sweet reality of home.
James Cameron: Pfft. Yeah, right.
(The shuttle speeds back at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on November 1, 2003.

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