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Five-Minute Alien3


Egg: Wait, how'd I get here?
Face Hugger: The queen from the last movie, obviously.
Egg: But she didn't have time to lay any eggs. Besides, her egg-laying anatomy was severed!
Face Hugger: Look, I don't have time for any philosophical, nitpicky eggs. I've got hosts to infect.
Egg: Pardon me, do continue.

Escape Pod: CRASH!

Clemens: This woman is injured! Quick, take her clothes off!
Andrews: Doctor, are you sure that's entirely necessary? You're not giving Hicks and Newt the same treatment.
Clemens: They're dead, who cares?
Andrews: They weren't dead when we found them!
Clemens: Oops....

Andrews: Gentlemen and murderers; I have an announcement to make. Yesterday, a woman crash landed nearby, and is under our protection until a rescue team can arrive.
Morse: Wouldn't it have been smarter to not say anything? I mean, all of us are criminals, and some of us are rapists.
Junior: Yeah! Why are you giving us the opportunity to repeat our past sins?
Andrews: (muttering) Jeez, when did prisoners get to be so critical?

Ripley: Where am I?
Clemens: Hell itself.
Ripley: I'm sorry?
Clemens: Seriously. You're a chick on a double Y-chromosome prison planet. And you're naked.
Ripley: Are you the doctor here?
Clemens: Some might say that. Not many, but some.
Ripley: Where are the others?
Clemens: Oh, they croaked.
Ripley: GASP!
Clemens: Calm down, calm down. Think about it: what's the drama in having yet another male character in this very testosteroned picture? And young girl + planet of under-sexed male criminals = BIG no-no.
Ripley: Gotcha. Take me to the ship anyway.

Ripley: Where are the bodies?
Clemens: Dog got 'em. Pretty Gruesome. Heh, just kidding -- actually, there's a morg-- AAAAGH!
Ripley: Unless you want to swallow the ear I'm holding, I suggest you take me there. And lose the humor.

Dog: Ugh... I feel terrible.
Murphy: You should after stealing those poor, defenseless bodies.
Dog: Ugh....

Ripley: Autopsy scenes aren't very funny no matter how you look at it.
Clemens: Sawing through the rib cage, lalalala-- AAAAGH!
Ripley: Lose the humor or I'll sever it for you.

Andrews: And so we commit these bodies to the fiery void....

Dog: Ruff!

Dillon: Ashes to ashes...

Dog: Ugh....

Dillon: ...dust to dust...

Dog: GAK!

Andrews: ...yada yada amen.

Alien: Meow.

Ripley: Hey look guys! Look! I shaved my head!
Dillon: I am a murderer and a rapist.
Ripley: Hey, don't change the subject on me. Holy crap, I'm like G. I. Jane but five years sooner.
Dillon: Look, we've got faith here. It ain't much, but it makes up for our lack of hair. What do you have, sister?
Ripley: Well, I've got --
Dillon: Wait, don't answer that. We haven't quite ironed out all that "temptation" business.

Murphy: Oooh, a magic animal skin!
Alien: Meow.
Murphy: Oooh, a magically skinned animal!
Alien: Meow.
Murphy: GAK!
Alien: Oooh, a human magically diced by an industrial fan!

Clemens: Score!
Ripley: Would you stop saying that? I'm starting to regret last night.
Clemens: Score!
Ripley: Come to think of it, we don't even have any chemistry.
Clemens: Score! AAAAGH!
Ripley: Ah, this aspect of our relationship is much more rewarding.

Golic: Hey guys, I found a new inductee into our secret club which meets down here in the lower levels for no real reason!
Boggs: Um.... This isn't a secret club.
Rains: Yeah, we're doing work down here or something. I think.
Golic: Does that mean he can't join?
Boggs: Ah, what the hell. Who is it?
Alien: Munch.
Boggs and Rains: GAK!
Golic: That was the worst secret club member handshake I've ever seen.
Alien: Hiss.
Golic: Aaah! (flees)

Ripley: Hey Bishop, I know you're kinda dead, but could you help me figure out what the hell happened on the ship.
Bishop's Severed Torso: I am a robot.
Ripley: Yeah, yeah, just access the flight recorder.
Bishop: Processing.
Ripley: Faster!
Bishop: ......
Bishop: ....
Bishop: ..
Bishop: ....
Bishop: ......
Ripley: Arg! Just tell me if there was an alien aboard or not.
Bishop: All signs point to yessffzzt.
Ripley: Killing robots is so satisfying.

Golic: I saw a dragon! Heehee! Haha!
Dillon: Oh yeah? Tell me more, good friend.
Golic: I saw rainbows! I saw radishes! Heehee! Haha!
Andrews: He's crazy and he's a murderer.
Dillon: He's never lied to me before....
Golic: I saw simians! I saw Gene Simmons! Heehee! Haha!
Ripley: I think he may be telling the truth. About the dragon, anyway.
Andrews: You owe us an explanation.
Ripley: You and the audience both....

Andrews: Oh, I see. A dragon....
Ripley: Yeah, and if trends hold, I expect between 0 and 2 survivors within the hour. Excluding myself.
Andrews: If trends hold. Lock her in the infirmary.
Aaron: Yes sir.

Ripley: Won't you tell me your secret?
Clemens: Why? You won't tell me yours.
Ripley: Mine's scary and full of unexpected deaths.
Alien: Meow.
Clemens: GAK!
Ripley: Kinda like that.
Golic: Hello Mr. Dragon. Heehee! Ha--
Ripley: Shut up.

Andrews: Gentlemen and murderers, we've got another problem. Ripley says there's a monster killing people, but it's more likely one of you decent young men is the perpetrator. Unfortunately, only a gruesome death in front of everyone could possibly unite us against the fiend.
Alien: (This is too easy.) Meow!
Andrews: GAK!
Ripley: For the record, when I said "unexpected" last scene I was sort of exaggerating.

Morse: Well we're pretty screwed now.
David: Convicts don't say "screwed", convicts say--
Dillon: This sort of talk isn't going to get us anywhere. What we need is leadership. Alright, who has the fewest pips?
Ripley: Well I'm kinda different from all the rest of you. I have... er... leadership experience.
Aaron: Well, what do you suggest we do? We have no weapons, no harsh language -- not a single luxury.
Ripley: Well... we could lure it into a vat of molten lead.
Aaron: That might work.

Troy: Preparations, preparations. Lalalala-- GAK!
Fire: BOOM!

Morse: Well, we're short ten more people now.
Ripley: Not nearly enough -- it's hard keeping track of the names of all you bald British convicts.
Dillon: Hey, I'm not British!
Ripley: Ugh... I feel terrible.
Dillon: You shouldn't. As an American I find Great Britain offensive.
Ripley: No, not that.... Ugh....

Ripley: Scan me.
Aaron: I don't know how, I'm not very bright.
Ripley: Don't worry, this is a science fiction movie. And in science fiction, everybody knows how to operate machinery with vague, nondescript buttons.
Aaron: Hmm.... Beep. Boop.
Bioscan: Alien lifeform detected inside "Ripley" character.
Aaron: Hooray! I figured it out!
Ripley: Ugh....
Aaron: Don't be such a grouch, be happy for me!

Ripley: Here, alien alien alieaaGGH!
Bugs: Meow.
Ripley: Oh, it's just a pipe full of insects.
Alien: Wow, lady. You sure are dumb.

Ripley: I need you to kill me.
Dillon: Buh?
Ripley: I've got a queen inside of me. Also, I've been reading a lot of Plath.
Dillon: No way. I don't think I'm quite up to killing a --
Ripley: But I shaved my head!
Dillon: -- classic movie heroine.
Ripley: Oh.

Dillon: Attention fellow gentlemen and murderers; we've got to do something. Let's try that lead plan again.
Morse: I thought we didn't have enough men.
Aaron: I thought we were just waiting for the company to show up.
Dillon: We're changing plans for some reason. Who's up to it?
Convicts: Meh.
Dillon: We all get to kill Ripley when we're done....
Convicts: Let's go.

Dillon: Here's how it's gonna work. Everyone stands by a door. When the alien gets to you, run like hell, close the next door behind you, and pass the torch to the next poor soul.
Morse: I don't like that plan. Why can't I just stand around and hold an axe like you do?
Dillon: Because you don't have first billing.

Some Convicts: GAK!
Other Convicts: Aaaah!
Alien: I don't think I've ever had it this good before.

Dillon: I've got to keep it here in the lead vat!
Ripley: Why can't I die down there with you?
Dillon: GAK!
Ripley: Ha! I knew you couldn't think of a rational answer!

Morse: Wait, did the alien just jump out of a vat of molten lead?
Ripley: Just go with it.
Alien: BOOM!
Morse: Wait, did the alien just explode because you poured water on it?
Ripley: I said just go with it!

Aaron: Look, the company's here! Everyone, act excited!
Ripley: Meh.
Bishop II: Quick, we have to take the alien out of you.
Ripley: How can I trust you?
Bishop II: As a gesture of goodwill, we will shoot the other two survivors.
Aaron: GAK!
Morse: Ow!
Bishop II: So what's it gonna be? Another sequel or fiery death?
Ripley: I think I'm gonna have to go with fiery death.

Alien: Surprise!
Ripley: GAK!
Alien: Cra-- GAK!

Morse: Well that was pointless. We all knew there would be another sequel anyway.
Jean-Pierre Jeunet: Shh!
Morse: Buh?
Company Man: Er... shhut up and keep moving.
(The Company speeds off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on November 1, 2005.

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