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Five-Minute "Workforce"

by Zeke

Janeway: This brainwashed life is so much better than my old job!
Supervisor: What were you, a starship captain?
Janeway: Lead actress on a sci-fi show, actually.
Supervisor: What was the problem with that?
Janeway: The show was on UPN.
Supervisor: I see what you mean.

Jaffen: Hi! Can I be your love interest for this episode?
Janeway: Hmm...okay.
Seven: Enough chit-chat, you're annoying the J/Cers.

Paris: I need a job.
Bartender: Got any skills?
Paris: I can walk and chew gum at the same time.
Bartender: You're hired.

Nurse: Here's your inoculation, sir.
Tuvok: Whoa! Déjà vu. The Matrix must have reset itself.

Kim: My tummy hurts.
Neelix: Who cares?
Chakotay: (over the comm) Quick, guys, the plot is starting!

Kim: Doc! What happened?
Doc: That's Captain Doc to you. What happened is I became the captain! Woo hoo! Three cheers for me! Oh yeah, and the crew have been captured and probably killed.
Chakotay: Please clarify with a flashback.

Janeway: Allow me to clarify: the ship's been irradiated, so we all have to flee like the cowards we are.
Doc: Cool. Can I be captain now?
Janeway: Sure, whatever.

Doc: What have you people done with my crew?
Quarren: Um...nothing.
Doc: Then why does your shirt say "I captured the crew of Voyager and all I got was this lousy T-shirt"?
Quarren: Okay, shut up.

Tuvok: I know you from somewhere.
Janeway: From my starring role on Mrs. Columbo?
Tuvok: God, no! I think we were in a hospital getting brainwashed or something.
Janeway: Yeah right. Next you'll be saying I used to make out with a hologram.

Paris: What's cookin', good lookin'?
Torres: Get lost, you chauvinistic, cliché-spouting scuzzbag.
Paris: I bet you say that to all your brainwashed husbands.
Torres: No, just you.

Chakotay's Log: Well, this all kinda sucks.

Kim: My tummy hurts.
Doc: Who cares?
Kim: Why does everyone say that?
Doc: Because you're a ch--
Kim: Okay, enough out of you.

Chakotay: Why should I let you be on the bridge all the time?
Doc: Because I'm programmed to be a better officer than you.
Chakotay: That can't have been very hard.
Doc: Um, sir? You just insulted yourself.
Chakotay: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Janeway: Oh, Jaffen, you're so romantic....
Jaffen: Yeah, whatever. Let's get horizontal.

Chakotay: Give us our crew back!
Official: Now now, ask nicely.
Chakotay: Okay. Can we please have our crew back?
Official: No.

Chakotay: Neelix and I are going undercover. See ya.
Doc: Okay, but I wanna be captain!
Kim: No, I do! Waaaaa!
Chakotay: I'm glad we'll be in different subplots -- you guys are even more annoying than Neelix.
Neelix: They are? Geez, I'm losing my touch.

Tuvok: Hi Seven. Mind a meld?
Seven: Hey, stop that! Guards!
Tuvok: No! Listen to me! No one here is exactly what he appears!
G'Kar: Excuse me, that's my line.

Neelix: Ever considered a piloting career?
Paris: Space travel? Pfft. With my luck, I'd end up evolving into a lizard thing and fathering Janeway's kids.

Jaffen: So, shall we cohabitate?
Janeway: A chance to enrage all my shippers -- how can I refuse?

Paris: Can't we at least be friends?
Torres: Oh, all right, but only because I get kidnapped next scene.

Torres: La dee da dee da...hey, quit kidnapping me!
Neelix: Got her! Beam me up, Scotty!
Chakotay: How come he gets to beam up and I don't?
Kim: (over the comm) What, and miss your chance for an exciting police chase?

Chakotay: Let's recap, shall we? Tuvok's in custody, Voyager's under attack, Janeway's getting entirely too comfortable with some alien, and I'm on the run from the law. Ever had one of those weeks?

Cop: Halt, evildo--AAGH!
Chakotay: Ha! Chakotay 1, Cops 0!
Cop: You did get shot in the shoulder, you know.
Chakotay: Details.

Kim: How do we defeat these ships?
Doc: Here, I'll use a nifty torpedo trick.
Kim: Cool! But why have we never used such an obvious trick before?
Doc: Shhhhhh! Keep talking like that and you'll get silenced....

Janeway: Have you heard I'm moving in with Jaffen?
Chakotay: You shameless J/C-betraying hussy! Oh, mind if I borrow your old place?

Yerid: Hi, I'm a stereotypical investigator type. Have you seen Chakotay?
Paris: Not since Part I. Have you seen B'Elanna?
Yerid: She was kidnapped.
Paris: Aw, nuts! There goes my subplot.

Doc: I've figured out how to fix B'Elanna's memory.
Neelix: Can you leave out the part about my owing her thirty bucks?

Kadan: This Tuvok guy has been hallucinating. Mindwipe him.
Ravoc: Isn't that against the Hippocratic Oath?
Kadan: We're aliens, you idiot.
Ravoc: Oh yeah.

Seven: Whoa! Déjà vu. This better not be one of those time-loop episodes....

Janeway: Hey, you broke into the old apartment!
Chakotay: Nice Barenaked Ladies allusion.
Janeway: Thanks, I thought so.

Torres: So I was married to the guy from the bar?
Neelix: Actually, you were married to me.
Torres: Nice try.
Neelix: Drat.

Seven: Computer, give me personal information on the following people....
Computer: Oo, aren't we nosy today?

Chakotay: You've got to believe me!
Janeway: What, that I'm some kind of mighty starship captain? Yeah right.
Kim: (over the comm) Hi, Chakotay. Have you found Janeway the mighty starship captain yet?
Janeway: Oh.
Chakotay: Told ya. Now have a look at my real face.
Janeway: We're the same race!
Chakotay: We're more than that -- we're an item.
Janeway: Nice try.
Chakotay: Drat.

Jaffen: And you actually believed that schmoe?
Janeway: His acting was so bad, he had to be Chakotay!

Chakotay: Who's th--AAGH!
Cop: Ha! Cops 1, Chakotay 0!
Chakotay: Isn't it 1 to 1?
Cop: Shoot him again.

Ravoc: I need this prisoner.
Yerid: But I'm trying to interrogate him!
Ravoc: Oh, go join an underground resistance or something.

Neelix: Oo, Tom's diary! Can I see? Pleeeeease?
Torres: Cut it out or I'll remember that thirty bucks you owe me.

Doc: I don't wanna be a doctor again!
Kim: Tough.
Chakotay: (over the comm) Hi guys, I've been brainwashed. Would you mind walking into this ambush?
Kim: I see no problem with that.

Yerid: I need to know everything Chakotay told you.
Janeway: Okay. Apparently his people have a story about--
Yerid: NOOOO! Forget I asked!

Ravoc: Are you covering up a horrible conspiracy?
Kadan: Yes.
Ravoc: Okay, just checking.

Janeway: So here's the plan: you two bust into the hospital, and I raid the factory.
Seven: Sounds good. Yerid, come here for a sec....
Yerid: You don't have to injure me to get us into the hospital.
Seven: Aw.

Kim: (over the comm) Hi, Captain! Could you please destroy the shield grid?
Janeway: Okay, but only because you asked so nicely.

Doc: We're doomed!
Kim: Not today! Eat flaming death, Quarren scum!
Doc: Nice maneuver, but I think the pressures of command are finally getting to you....

Doc's Log: I've singlehandedly saved the crew. Well, okay, Harry helped.

Ambassador: I'm shocked, shocked to hear about this conspiracy. Don't worry, it'll all be fixed.
Kim: Cool. Hey, what happened to that Ravoc guy?
Ambassador: You know, I have no idea. Must be a loose end.

Janeway: Farewell, Jarren. I'll never forget you.
Jaffen: My name's Jaffen.
Janeway: It is? Sorry.

Chakotay: About time you ditched that sucker. We all know who's the real man for you.
Janeway: Kashyk, you mean?
Chakotay: Oh, forget it.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on March 5, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.