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Five-Minute "The Void"

by Zeke

Paris: Uh oh, we've been sucked into a big stupid hole in space.
Kim: And our stuff just got stolen!
Valen: (over the comm) Welcome to...the Void.
Janeway: Is it summertime?
Valen: In the Void, no one can hear you make I Mother Earth references.

Valen: ...so basically we all steal each other's stuff until we die. It's fun.
Janeway: I doubt that. We should try to escape.
Kim: Okay, let's get a show of hands: does anyone in this room actually think we'll succeed?
Janeway: Neelix, put your hand down.
Neelix: Hey, it's not my fault I'm naive.

Janeway: Okay, let's make a break for it!
The Void: Oh no you don't. Get back in here!
Janeway: Who anthropomorphized you?

Torres: To fix the ship, I need our deuterium back.
Janeway: Why don't we just replicate some?
Torres: That would be too easy.

Kim: Crap, somebody stole our stuff from the guys who stole our stuff!
Janeway: Well, beam up the wreckage in case it contains a cutesy non-speaking alien.

Doc: He followed me home. Can I keep him?
Janeway: We beamed him up.
Doc: Don't mess with my cliché.

Tuvok: Turns out it was Valen who did the bad stuff.
Janeway: I thought he was a good guy. Isn't he "the One" or something?
Tuvok: Wrong franchise.
Janeway: Oh.

Valen: Hey, how dare you take your stuff back? I stole it fair and square!
Janeway: In the Void, no one can hear you whine.
Valen: Grrrrr...nobody boomerangs my lines on me and lives.

Chakotay: As straw men, we feel that you should consider the barbarian approach.
Janeway: I've never sold out my principles yet.
Tuvok: Then how do you know it wouldn't be fun?
Janeway: It just wouldn't. Anyway, I've decided to unite the diverse parties and form an Alliance.
Chakotay: Can I call you Stockwell Day?
Janeway: No, that would be a Canadian politics joke that no one would get.

Captain's Log: Hey, it worked for Sheridan....

Janeway: Our Alliance is based on not eviscerating everybody.
Garon: Is that any fun?
Neelix: Yep. I've been not eviscerating these guys for years now.
Garon: That must have been difficult.
Neelix: Very.

Doc: I've named the alien Fantome.
Seven: You mean it's okay to name other people? Sweet! I hereby name you "Poindexter McGunderbund."

Kim: A new ship just got sucked in.
Janeway: Let's defend them at great risk to ourselves and hope Garon pulls a Han Solo.
Garon: (over the comm) I'm ba-ack!

Bosaal: Yecch! What's this vermin doing on your ship?
Janeway: He's our cook.
Bosaal: No no, the vermin. The freeloader.
Janeway: He's my first officer.
Bosaal: The short, annoying guy!
Janeway: Isn't Icheb in his quarters?
Bosaal: I am so going to betray you for this later.

Torres: We need a polaron modulator real bad.
Vorik: I need a personality real bad, but I don't see anyone giving me one.

Janeway: I see Fantome is getting along with his fellow scum. Hey, you seem different somehow....
Dr. Poindexter McGunderbund: Shut up.

Bosaal: I found a polaron modulator.
Janeway: You found it?
Bosaal: Yep. It was just lying there.
Janeway: No, you're lying here.
Bosaal: So it's a pun fight you want, is it?

Tuvok: Bosaal and some others left. This is gonna kill us at the stock exchange.
Janeway: Oh great, now we'll have to downsize. Chakotay, you're fired.
Chakotay: Aw.

Spy Guy: Bosaal is secretly conspiring with Valen!
Janeway: Duh. Don't I already have someone to tell me the obvious?
Spy Guy: You just fired him.

McGunderbund: Fantome has a brilliant idea. He wants us to...um, "la dee da doo da dee."
Janeway: This musical communication has its drawbacks.

Janeway: Okay, let's blow this joint!
Valen: Oh no you don't! CHARGE!
Janeway: Mr. Kim, energize.
Valen: AAAAAAGH! You beamed vermin onto my ship!
Janeway: Uh, Harry...you do remember my telling you to beam Fantome's squad over, not Chakotay as we originally planned?
Kim: Oops.

Janeway: We're out of the Void, and all is well.
Chakotay: But you haven't re-hired me yet!
The Void: And I'm still anthropomorphized!
McGunderbund: And somebody has to fix my name!
Janeway: Go away, loose ends.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on May 12, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.