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Five-Minute "The Thaw"

by Species 5236

Kim's Clarinet: Doo-bop-dee-doo. Doo-dee-dop!
Kim: Like my new clarinet, Tom? It plays itself.
Paris: Don't quit your day job.
Kim: Me and Lt. Nicoletti are having a recital together on Monday at 1900 hours.
Paris: Oh, shucks. I just remembered my ever-so-conveniently scheduled staff meeting scheduled then. Darn.

Janeway: Look! There's another planet! Let's stop to investigate.
Tuvok: Must we?
Janeway: Yes, slave boy.
Kim: There's no one here. But there might be. Yes, there are.
Janeway: Beam them up.
Tuvok: May I remind you of the Prime Dir....
Janeway: Silence, slave boy!

Kes: Two of these aliens are dead. The other three are in stasis, but wish they were dead.
Torres: Apparently, they're engaged in some form of virtual simulation.
Janeway: Like "Fair Haven?"
Torres: Like what?
Janeway: Uh...I invoke the almighty Temporal Prime Directive.

Janeway: Kim, Torres, I'm going to risk your lives for three aliens we don't even know.
Kim: Fine by me. I have to take what I can get around here.

Torres: Dancers!
Kim: And jugglers!
Torres: And midgets, oh my!

Clown: Welcome to the party!
Kim: Party? Where's the booze?
Torres: Not until you're 21, Starfleet.

Clown: You don't think you can escape from me, do you!
Kim: Bondage? But I thought that was only in fan fiction!

Alien 2: We programmed this world to respond to our brain's desires while we waited for our planet to recover.
Kim: So you desired to be trapped in a world with a killer clown?
Alien 1: Stop pointing out the plot holes!
Alien 2: Also, if you die here, you die of fright in real life.
Kim: So if you know you can't die unless you're afraid, why are you afraid of dying?

Clown: You're free to leave, Harry, under one condition. One of these people will die.
Kim: Cool by me. Later!
Torres: Get back here!

Clown: You can go, B'Elanna. Go tell Captain Janeway not to pull the plug.
Kim: Wait a minute...how come she gets to go and no one dies?
Clown: Because you're just too darn loveable to let go.

Torres: So the clown wants a Big Mac, two large fries, and, oh, yeah, the right to exist.
Janeway: Could we use an artificial brain to power the simulation?
Torres: Yeah, but being powered by Chakotay is a worse fate than death.

Janeway: The clown represents fear...so how do you negotiate with an emotion?
Neelix: You could tell him a light-bulb joke!
Janeway: Mr. Tuvok, place him in the brig.
Tuvok: Gladly.

Kim: You can't scare me, mean old clown.
Clown: Boo.

Kim: This isn't real. This is an illusion.
Clown: But when your only reality is an illusion than illusion IS reality.
Kim: So does that mean "Threshold" was only an illusion?

Doc: Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
Kim: Doc! He's trying to kill me.
Doc: You've got it all wrong. When trying to kill someone, you should aim for a major artery.

Doc: Captain Janeway is prepared to offer you an artificial brain to keep you in existence.
Clown: Who's Captain Janeway?
Doc: A reckless maniac hardly capable of command. I'd relieve her of duty, but she deleted my ethical subroutines.
Clown: I don't want to mess with her.
Alien 3: Since I'm going to die anyway, you could use the optronic pathways to make it work!

Doc: And in conclusion, we shouldn't just yank them out. It would cause severe brain damage.
Janeway: Then in a couple of seasons, they'd fit right in.
Paris: Captain?
Janeway: Er...Temporal Prime Directive.

Torres: I get it! We could use the optronic pathways to dismantle the virtual world one piece at a time!
Tuvok: That doesn't make any sense.
Torres: I know, but it was in the script.

Dancer: Let's play a game!
Clown: Sure! I hope that that stupid Holodoc doesn't show up.
Doc: Hello.
Clown: I really need to stop such blatant foreshadowing.
Doc: Mr. Fear, I am prepared to offer you a cloaking device in exchange for letting the prisoners go.
Clown: How could a cloaking device help me?
Doc: I'm not sure, but I'm sure you'll find some use for it.
Clown: Hey, wait! Everything's disappearing!
Doc: How very perceptive of you.
Clown: Kill that guy over there, on the off chance that he had something to do with it.

Kes: Captain! This man is dead, and this man is dying.
Janeway: Stop the optometric...the opernic...the whatever-the-hell you're doing.

Clown: We've won!

Janeway: We've lost.
Kim: Can I go home now?

Doc: I'm sorry, Captain. Maybe we should give up. Kim won't be missed that much.
Janeway: No, this is one of the few times I actually care about principles. I won't let fear beat me.
Doc: But will fear let you beat it?
Janeway: Computer, deactivate EMH, and remind me to remove his philosophical subroutines.
Doc: Cogito ergo sum....

Janeway: What does fear itself want? Why are so many people attracted to fear?
Torres: Like me and the holodeck?
Janeway: What?
Torres: Er...Temporal Prime Directive.

Doc: I'll make you one last deal, Clown. You release the hostages, and you get Janeway.
Clown: Trade a talented young ensign for an insane captain? I think not, buster.
Doc: Then Janeway's going to shut down the system, and kill everyone in it mercilessly.
Clown: You know, on second thought, I think I will meet Janeway.

Holo-Janeway: Hi.
Clown: Hi.
Holo-Janeway: I tricked you. I'm not Janeway, I'm holo-Janeway.
Clown: Rats, foiled again! Soylent Green is P-E-O-P-L-E! You maniacs, you blew it up! Luke, I am your father!
Holo-Janeway: Riiiigggghhhttt....

Clown: You lied. Very unStarfleet of you.
Holo-Janeway: I'm only Starfleet when it's convenient for the story.
Clown: What will become of little old me?
Holo-Janeway: Like all fear, you will be reduced to appearing in cheesy teen slasher movies.
Clown: But...I'm afraid.
Holo-Janeway: So Fear is afraid. How ironically stupid.

Chakotay: How'd it go captain?
Janeway: Chakotay? What are you doing here? The episode is over.
Chakotay: I know, but that blankety-blank Justin didn't give me any lines in this fiver.
Janeway: I know.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on May 19, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Justin O'Neill.