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Five-Minute "Mortal Coil"

by Zeke

A lightyear of Voyager Week

Chakotay: We could use your help on this away mission, Neelix.
Kim: Hey Neelix, these are your best leola root spam-kebabs ever!
Wildman: (over the comm) Wildman to Neelix. Naomi needs your help finding monsters.
Neelix: Some days it's just cool to be alive.

Neelix: Heeeere, monsters! C'mon out! You can trust me, I'm one of you!
Naomi: What will you do if you find one?
Neelix: Put it in my pocket, of course. Gotta catch 'em all! But now let's get you tucked in.
Naomi: Tell me again about the Great Forest!
Neelix: (smile) It's great.

Neelix: Glad I still have my protomatter container. The Kazon nearly got it once.
Seven: That species was deemed unworthy of assimilation.
Neelix: So why didn't you just destroy them?
Seven: The Borg occasionally allow a particularly pathetic species to continue existing for entertainment value.

First Officer's Log: I've been on this shuttle mission for hours now and nothing has crashed. Score!

Chakotay: Hey Neelix, could you check on that deadly protomatter over there?
Neelix: Sure. It's so good to be helpful! I --
Neelix: --! (dies)
Paris: He... he didn't even have time to say "gak"....
Chakotay: Ouch. Now that's dead.

Kim: That's funny. There are only two life signs on the shuttle.
Tuvok: How is this amusing?
Kim: See, two life signs walk into a bar....
Janeway: Oh, I know this one. You'll love it, Tuvok. But we should get that shuttle crew on board too.
(one joke later)
Tuvok: I did not love it.
Kim: Philistine. Oh crap, the shuttle crew!

Doc: It's no good, Captain. He is an ex-Talaxian.
Janeway: Don't their X's usually come at the end?
Seven: Captain, here are -- why has Mr. Neelix discontinued his customary practice of breathing?
Doc: He's dead, Seven. I'm sorry.
Seven: Apology accepted; you must tell me later how you killed him. Do you wish him revived, Captain?
Janeway: Revived? He's dead!
Seven: Borg technology can often reactivate lifeforms in deathlike states. We refer to such patients as "mostly dead" or "dead like a fox."

Captain's Log: We're going to try Seven's death-reversal technique on Neelix. In case of a mishap, Tuvok will be on hand with wooden stakes and silver bullets.

Seven: Two... one....
Neelix: !KAG -- Whoa! What happened?
Janeway: Neelix! You're alive! We can stop vaporizing your stuff now!
Neelix: You've -- you've been -- GAK!
Seven: (sigh) Boot up the equipment again.

Neelix: Ungh....
Doc: Welcome back. You're full of Borg crap now; Seven will give you the details.
Seven: I have flooded your bloodstream with Cardiac/Respiratory Assistance Probes, so the Doctor has in fact summed up the situation admirably.
Doc: ....And on purpose, too.

Janeway: You must be proud, Neelix! You're the first non-Brazilian fuzzy warthog person to return from the dead, and it didn't even take you three days!
Neelix: Yeah, I feel downright spectral. Er, special.
Janeway: Well, you must be tired. I'll see you later.
Neelix: (mutters) Special like a fox.

Tuvok: I am curious. Seven crewmen have died since you came aboard -- why have you not mentioned this ability?
Seven: They could not cook.
Tuvok: Then why mention it now?

Chakotay: If you're feeling better, I'd like us to run a simulation and see what went wrong.
Neelix: You want me to watch my own death?
Chakotay: Sure. It looked cool.

Holo-Neelix: --! (holo-dies)
Chakotay: Freeze program. See? Cool.
Neelix: I just don't understand it. There was nothing there! No afterlife! And does my voice really sound like that?
Chakotay: There are many things in life we have to learn to acc-- hey, what are you doing here?
Seven: (staring at holo-Chakotay) Introduce me immediately.

Tuvok: In this Prixin celebration, we the celebrators will celebrate the celebratory celebrating of... let us skip the rest.
Neelix: But Mr. Vulcan, I made it long and boring just for you!
Tuvok: And I appreciate it, but the others would not.
Vorik: I would.
Neelix: All right, I'll just give my speech. Um... so... let's all be happy... because... stuff.
Paris: (raising glass) To stuff!

Doc: You should try to be social, Seven. Go chat someone up.
Seven: So, Mr. Paris, how is life?
Paris: Hic. Yeah, you ARE hot. Hot as a nova, baby.
Torres: You two-timing prick! I'll kill you!
Doc: That couldn't have gone better if I'd scripted it.

Naomi: I dreamed about the Great Forest last night!
Neelix: That's... nice.
Naomi: It felt so real! I bet it is real!
Neelix: Real... right....
Naomi: And someday we'll all be there together!
Neelix: Okay, are you doing this on purpose?

Neelix: You! You never asked! You just went ahead and resurrected me!
Seven: I assumed that being alive is the default preference of any given lifeform.
Neelix: Tell that to Buffy! You -- ARRRGH! My nanoprobes!
Seven: Seven of Nine to the Doctor: Medical emergency. Mr. Tuvok may also be required.

Doc: The Borg undeath procedure is more tenuous than we thought. Mr. Neelix may need regular treatments for the rest of his life.
Chakotay: Boy, he's sure screwed if he ever leaves the ship.
Doc: There's something else. Commander, he wants to try a vision quest.
Janeway: Heh heh. Bet his animal guide is a warthog.
Chakotay: That was pretty offensive.
Janeway: Nonsense. It was Kim-worthy.

Chakotay: A frying pan... Kes's very secret diary... that security uniform you only wear in alternate futures... hmm. Neelix, I asked you to bring four personal items.
Neelix: The fourth one's my ship. We may need to move some furniture.
Chakotay: Okay, let's forget the ship for now. Close your eyes. My acoocheemoya to your acoocheemoya....

Alixia: Kill yourself... killlll yourself....
Tuvok: Suicide is logical. And painless. And it brings on many changes.
Bif Naked: (singing) I killed myself today! Not like yesterday!
Kes: Stardate 51666.6: N. dead like non-fox. V. good.
Neelix: Well, that managed to be both very clear and very confusing.

Seven: How are you feeling?
Neelix: Better. I'd like to thank you for I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF helping me through a difficult time in my DIE DIE DIEDIEDIE life.
Seven: You're I DON'T CARE welcome.

Neelix: ....and finally, Mr. Tuvok. Thank you for putting up with my freakish obsession with you; I promise not to haunt you too much. Farewell, my friends. No goodbyes, just good eatin'. Computer, end recording and save.
Computer: File IMAKILL.ME saved.
Neelix: Thanks. Transmit it to Captain Janeway in an hour or so -- I should be dead by then.
Computer: You would be dead right now if you used a phaser, and no one could stop you.
Neelix: Yeah, but the transporter never gets to kill anyone these days. I feel sorry for it.

Neelix: Ener--
Chakotay: Stop!
Neelix: Commander? How did you know? Harry should be distracting the bridge crew with the joke I just told him!
Chakotay: You think the computer doesn't know a suicide note when it hears one? Don't do it, Neelix! You have so much to live for!
Neelix: Like what?
Chakotay: Cooking! Stalking Tuvok! The satisfaction of outliving Kes, wherever she is!
Wildman: (over the comm) Not to mention finding monsters!
Neelix: Oh, fine. But how did you know?
Wildman: The computer's a real gossip.

Neelix: Good night, Naomi. Sweet dreams.
Naomi: I hope I dream of the Great Forest!
Neelix: I hope so too, sweetie. I hope so too.
Monsters: (Ha! He forgot to check this time! We eat her on three!)
(Voyager blasts off at Life-Affirming Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 4, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Zeke.