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Five-Minute "Mind Trap"

by Zeke

Yvette: Sigh...you know, I still feel guilty about stealing the name "Yvette" from Captain Marson. I hear she's stuck with "Feronia" now.
Jordan: You think that's bad? Check out my last name. How male is that?
Seven: At least your name is something reasonable, not just a number....
Yvette: Hey, we're trying to spy on you. Don't interrupt.

Janeway: I'm soooo bored. Bored, bored, bored. Bored as a board. A cutting board with a club sandwich on it. I'm soooo hungry.

Hayes: Now, Crewman...do you or do you not suck?
Seven: I decline to DIE ADMIRAL HAYES DIE DIE DIE comment at this time.
Hayes: You sound dangerously insane. I'd better have Doc perform weird experiments on you.

Paris: Well, I'm off for an angsty meeting. Have fun in the hoosegow.
Torres: I will. Say hi to Miral for me.
Paris: I don't think she knows the difference between us.
Torres: Don't underestimate her. Remember that time she took command in an emergency and saved us all?
Paris: I'm pretty sure that was Doc.
Torres: Whatever.

Chakotay: I miss being in the Maquis. Back then, we had virtually no resources and were constantly fighting for our lives.
Torres: Good times, good times.

Seven: And now to escape! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! And hopefully get more than ten feet before being captured, but let's be realistic.

Hayes: Before we begin our debriefing, I'd like to make sure you feel totally comfortable here. Remember, nobody's out to get you. Now then: you are SCUM. I hate you so much, you loathsome bucket of crap.
Chakotay: If there's one good thing about Starfleet admirals, it's consistency.

Doc: Quick, come help me save Seven's life.
Seven: Hang on, let me weigh the options. Option one: I don't come, and Seven probably dies but may pull through. Option two: I do come, and secretly sabotage many things to guarantee death. Okay, I'll come.

Admiral Paris: Hi, son. Here's Miral. Now let's--
Paris: Bye.
Admiral: Hold it! I know you hate me for several excellent reasons, but can you come back so I can explain some reasons not to hate me?
Paris: Wellll...all right. But I need to talk to Miral first.
Admiral: Whew! That'll give me time to think of those reasons.

Paris: ....and Mommy says hi.
Miral: Which one is Mommy again?
Paris: HA! I win! In your face, B'Elanna!
Miral: Wait, I remember now...Mommy is the non-stupid one. Which makes you Daddy! Hi Daddy!
Paris: Sigh.

Seven: So you want me to hack into the Federation computers? Yes. But why? Because we need to read Harry's logs from "Favourite Son" and then laugh at him. Oh, okay. Knew you'd agree.
Doc: This talking-to-yourself thing has got to stop, Seven.
Torres: Quiet! I'm taking notes. These are good ideas she's got.

Gretchen Janeway: (over the comm) Bad news. Your dog died.
Janeway: Oh no! How did it happen?
Gretchen Janeway: Um...I think I'd better not explain that part. But trust me on this: if you ever go to Jonathan's Diner in Kansas City, do not try the chili.

Doc: Now comes my favourite part: pumping Seven full of electricity!
Torres: What a coincidence -- that's my favourite part too!
Seven: Mine too.
Doc and Torres: What?
Seven: Hey, don't knock it till you try it!

Hayes: I'm tired of ranting about how evil you are. See you in court.
Chakotay: But VVS8 has already had a "trial of" story! The readers will have a fit!
Hayes: They've been having a fit ever since we separated you and Janeway. A little thing like this won't matter.

Seven: Well, that was pretty weird. Any idea why I was going insane?
Doc: Nope. Let's just blame the Wizard of Oz.

Reporter: You know what? I'm tired of these end-of-episode news broadcasts. Go read the paper or something.
(VS8 continues at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on December 2, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.