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Five-Minute "Jurisprudence"

by Zeke

Admiral Paris: You really should plead guilty.
Chakotay: I, Captain Chakotay, agree.
Janeway: Oh, please.
Captain? You couldn't command a soap boat.
Chakotay: Look, we both know this is a dream sequence, so can you lay off the mockery? I'm not the real Chakotay!
Janeway: Tough. You know the rule -- all Chakotays are fair game.

Kim: Nothing like a game of Velocity to subtly make romantic inroads. Hey, are you turning evil?
Seven: Of course not! I would never DIE HARRY KIM DIE DIE DIE act that way.

Hamilton: Okay, men, let's investigate this battleground. But be very careful not to find Dalby's phaser.
Russel: Why not?
Hamilton: Well, find it if you want. But if history gets screwed over because Voyager doesn't retrieve it in the future, don't blame me.

Shelrak: I call Admiral Nechayev to the stand.
Janeway: Hey, this is not fair! Nechayev is well-known for her status as an Evil Admiral From Hell.
Shelrak: Stop jumping to correct conclusions. Now, Admiral, how would you characterize the defendant?
Nechayev: She is vile, repulsive scum of the most disgraceful variety. Her kind should be burned at the stake by the thousands. Frankly, I'd kill her right now if you weren't looking.
Louvois: Admiral, you're looking at me. The defendant is over there.
Nechayev: Oh. Well, she's even worse.

Doc: Hey, weren't you in "The Measure of a Man"?
Maddox: Yep. And I haven't learned any new lines since then, so try not to be original or anything.

Russel: This Janeway-hatred stuff is dumb. She's a hero. And a babe!
Hamilton: I think you're confusing her with Seven of Nine....
Russel: Now there's someone they should court-martial. She did a lousy job of commanding the ship.

Byrd: Hey Harry. Long time no -- HEY! Let go! You can't have my rank pips!
Kim: Geez, what kind of friend are you?

Tanner: And so Hresk said, "Look, if you're not big on time management, you're in the wrong department...."
Janeway: Hold it! That's not the real Head of Temporal Investigations -- he's a fraud!
Louvois: How do you figure?
Janeway: Remember Dulmer and Lucsly? Their names were anagrams of Mulder and Scully, right? Well, this guy claims to be their boss -- but his name isn't an anagram of Skinner!
Tanner: Great, now I have to kill you all.

Doc: What, are you still here?
Maddox: I haven't used all my stale old arguments yet. And cameos! We gotta mention Data and Vic and the exocomps and....

Kim: So I confessed my love for Lyndsay and we rocked the casbah, at which point she left again.
Byrd: Ouch! You were that bad?
Kim: Oh, shut up. This is a deeply personal thing.
Byrd: Careful not to tick me off, old chum...you wouldn't want me telling Libby you were secretly in love with Lyndsay the whole time, would you?
Kim: Wait -- those two were at the same time? Hmm...just before graduation...hey, you're right! I wonder how that happened?
Byrd: Continuity slip?
Kim: Let's not go evading responsibility here.

Russel: We found it! We found their quantum slipstream drive!
Hamilton: The Sernaix's?
Russel: No, Voyager's. How the heck would the Sernaix get a drive that only appeared in "Timeless"?
Hamilton: How did we?
Russel: Stop confusing me.

Janeway: I will never, never plead guilty! Never! I'll do it.
Admiral Paris: That's what I love about you, Kathryn -- your spinelessness. Compared to you, I'm Backbone Man.

Maddox: ....and Rigel toasters and Turing tests and....
Doc: Enough! Nobody needs to hear your redundant blather! Haven't we covered this ground enough?
Maddox: Aha! There's my proof that you're not sentient. Humans embrace redundancy.
Doc: They do?
Maddox: Soap operas.
Doc: Right, right.

Janeway: After a great deal of painful consideration, I've decided to plead guilty to a lesser charge.
Louvois: Very well. What charge?
Janeway: Shoplifting. See, there was this damaged Borg sphere and--
Louvois: You can't just pick any lesser charge you want.
Janeway: What? Oh great...back to painful consideration.

Barlett: Today's top story: to the amazement of the world, feline funambulist Spot has completed her tightrope walk across the Atlantic Ocean. (What, you expected Voyager coverage? Read the episode, morons!)

Seven: I've got info for you.
Mystery Guy: And cookies?
Seven: No.
Mystery Guy: Then beat it, and don't come back without cookies!
(Suspense builds at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on December 1, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.