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Five-Minute "Message in a Bottle"

by Zeke

A lightyear of Voyager Week

Torres: All I ask is that you look the other way for ten minutes so I can handle Seven the Maquis Way. That Borg blatch really gets under my skin!
Chakotay: Well, something obviously has. That jacket ain't foolin' anybody, honey.
Torres: Maybe I should handle you the Maquis Way.

Janeway: What is it you wanted to show us, Seven? I have very important command decisions to get back to.
Chakotay: (She's deciding what names to call her replicator.)
Seven: (Noted.) I have tapped into an alien communications network. I found this....
Janeway: Good Lord! A truck!
Seven: (sigh) No. This network requires the user to view a short advertisement before each use.
Chakotay: How barbaric....

Seven: There. As you can see, it is a Starfleet ship.
Janeway: Out here? That's preposterous!
Seven: It is in the Alpha Quadrant.
Chakotay: The network extends that far? That's preposterous!
Seven: I believe we will be able to send a message by --
Chakotay: Wait, aren't you going to answer my criticism like you did Captain Janeway's?
Seven: I dismiss as irrelevant any criticism from an irrelevant speaker.
Chakotay: ....Chakotay to Torres. Let's discuss that request of yours further.

Torres: We're ready, Captain.
Janeway: Then open a channel. Time for a dramatic speech! (ahem) We're alone. We'd like to go home.
Voice: (over the comm) Oo, we're so inspired.
Janeway: It worked! Thank heaven! This is Captain Janeway of --
Torres: Actually, that was just Tom doing a funny voice. The message didn't make it.
Janeway: Blast! We need a stronger signal. And an officer with less of a sense of humour than you have. Hmmm....

Doc: She wants me for Operation what?
Torres: "Two Birds With One Stone."

Janeway: This is a very dangerous mission, Doctor, so I'm not going to order you to go.
Doc: You're just going to guilt me into it?
Janeway: Think of the children! How can I tell little Naomi and little Harry that we've missed a chance to contact --
Doc: All right, all right. Go ahead and send me.
Torres: Okay, but your file size is too high for an attachment. You'll have to be zipped.
Doc: Oh. Um, sorry. (zips up his fly)

Janeway: And now we play... the Waiting Game.
Chakotay: You mean Everquest? ZING!
Janeway: It's not really for you to decide whether you've made a zing or not.
Seven: When the Borg assimilated Everquest, it slowed us down so severely that we had to purge it from the Collective. That took twelve years. It was a zing.

Doc: Hello? Anybody h-- OW! My eyes!
Officer: You must be from one of those early-70s ships where the light systems were so underpowered.
Doc: It's a mood thing. Are you okay? What happened here?
Officer: ...Romulans... GAK!
Doc: Romulans, eh? That's a nice touch.
Officer: How so?
Doc: It was Romulans the last time we -- hey! Don't be one of those people who can't commit.

Romulan Officer: We're being pursued by a Starfleet ship. I hope you know some battle tactics that don't involve cloaking.
Romulan Captain: Of course I do! Begin Maneuver... oh, wait. Damn.
Romulan Officer: Lovely. What are we supposed to do, just ask the ship how to attack?
Computer: Attack mode activated. Engaging target. Please press F1 if further assistance is required.
Romulan Captain: I love the Federation.

U. S. S. Prometheus: Go go triple vector assault mode!
U. S. S.: Yes, this ship
Prome-: can really
-theus: do this.
Debris of Other Federation Ship: Pfft. It's just not the same without the animation.

Doc: Again! Computer, why is the ship shaking? And while you're at it, why am I affected by it?
Computer: That information is classified.
Doc: ...Computer, what's the square root of 361?
Computer: That information is classified.
Doc: (sigh) Definitely Romulans.

Romulan Officer: A human. Didn't we kill all of you? In fact, I distinctly remember Rekar killing the bald ones twice. I think he has some issues there.
Doc: I'm a doctor, not a psychiatrist. And a hologram, not a human.
Romulan Officer: Good, then you can help this man.
Doc: Only if you leave the room. Because... um... the Heisenberg compensators won't work if there's a sentient observer.
Romulan Officer: Makes sense to me. I'll call you for a report shortly.
Doc: Take your time. Remember, he won't be 100% dead until I tell you he is.

Doc: Come on, computer! There must be something I can access!
Chakotay: Clearance level "Ha ha ha -- oh, you're serious?" permits access to nonessential systems only.
Doc: Nonessential? That'd be the transporters, the shuttlebay, and the holo-- (sigh) I swore I'd never use one of these. Computer, activate EMH.
Doc 2: Hey you, you're an idiot! Yeah, you. And you too. And your friend over there.
Doc: There are only three people in the room counting you!
Doc 2: Well, excuuuuse me, mister I-traded-my-follicle-subroutines-for-superior-eyesight.

Doc: Let me explain the situation. Four years ago and seventy thousand lightyears away... a hero was born. A program so flawless that --
Doc 2: Can we skip to the part where you explain this Romulan?
Doc: Your ship's been taken over. By Romulans.
Doc 2: ...And the crew?
Doc: Dead. By Romulans.
Doc 2: Nuts! Well, no need for me, then. Computer, deactivate --
Doc: Oh no you don't! We need to retake the ship! Besides, this Romulan is still alive and needs --
Injured Romulan: GAK!
Doc: Don't interrupt.

Chakotay: No word from the Doctor so far. Unless he's saying "I'm a doctor, not a" again. We've got that blocked.
Janeway: Ah well. At least we can pass the time writing letters to our loved ones.
Chakotay: Hey! Loved ones! I should write to my sis-- um, assistant. The assistant I had in the Maquis.
Janeway: Whatever. What's another word for "you stupid replicator"?

Neelix: I don't understand it! How could they have gotten sick from eating chili?
Paris: Come on, Neelix, you know the alien stuff you cook with doesn't always go down right.
Neelix: But this was an old Earth recipe!
Paris: Just give these Tums to the people you poisoned and call me in the morning. But leave out the part where you call me. And never speak to me again.
Neelix: Something's bothering you. As morale officer, I can help.
Paris: Help by DYING!
Neelix: Can we not start that again?

Doc 2: No, no, and no! We're not assassins or ninjas or even Power Rangers, we're holograms! We can't retake a ship!
Doc: That's what you think. In my four years online, two of which I remember, I've learned that a hologram can do anything a human can! I've taught myself painting, opera, photography (sort of), motorcycle maintenance, the reproductive arts....
Doc 2: ReproWHA--? You don't mean...?
Doc: (nods slowly)
Doc 2: You have a schlong? A wang? A ding-a-ling? HOW? How can this wonderment BE?
Doc: I'll tell you. Maybe. After you release the neurozine gas into the venti--
Doc 2: Just point me to the Jeffries tube and click, O Membermaster!
Doc: Now there's a name I never considered.

Romulan Captain: What are you doing up here?
Doc: That injured crewman of yours has space pox. I thought I'd better check you all for it.
Romulan Captain: Space pox? Oh crap! I knew we should have steered the ship by remote control and not exposed ourselves to human germs!
Romulan Officer: Oh, Rekal, that's been out of style for 200 years. Let's just let him scan -- hey!
Doc: What? I'm just... uh... scanning this console. By hand. So as to... well... LOOK OUT! There's a pox on you!
Romulan Captain: WHERE?
Romulan Officer: (sigh) This is almost as bad as when I served under Sela.

Paris: Harry, you've gotta save me. Remember when I saved you from Quark? You owe me a favour!
Kim: You've called in that favour twelve times already. But fine, what do you want?
Paris: I can't stay here! I'm a pilot, not a "doctor, not a pilot"!
Kim: And I'm supposed to do what, make a new EMH?
Paris: I was thinking of a sickbay I can fly around, but your idea's better.

Romulan Captain: What were you doing on the bridge? Talk, hologram!
Doc: Certainly! Did you know there are many minor differences in Vulcan and Romulan anatomy? For example, where a Vulcan has preganglionic fibers, a Romulan has postganglionic nerves. Furthermore....
Romulan Captain: Zzzzzzzzz... (KLONK)
Doc 2: Ha! The anaesthetic gas worked like a charm!
Doc: Sure, take all the credit. Another minute or two and I'd have done the job just fine.

Torres: I'm just saying you need more respect for common courtesy. You know, tact. Please and thank you. Not bossing people around.
Seven: Are these things I should have learned from you?
Torres: You shut up.
Hirogen: No, you shut up! How dare you use our comm network without paying? A local call would be one thing, but this!
Seven: He has closed our connection.
Torres: Well, nobody really liked the Doctor anyway.

Doc: I should have no trouble flying this ship. Commander Chakotay once taught me how to --
Doc 2: We just smacked into a bunch of Warbirds, didn't we?
Doc: Let's not jump to conclusions. Those ships might just be part of the screen saver.

Janeway: You've just got to let us use your array! We're way the heck across the galaxy from our homeworld, which is a long story, but I assure you it's a real tearjerker.
Hirogen: We didn't buy it from those Robinson people, and we're not buying it now! You can all just -- SHEEYARGH!
Torres: What the...? Seven, was that you?
Seven: Indeed. I sent an electrical shock over the comm network. I have been using the same principle to shock Mr. Kim through his comm badge all morning.
Torres: I think you and I just might have some common ground after all.
Janeway: (glancing nervously at her comm badge) I'm, uh, glad to hear it.

Doc: The Romulans are hailing.
Doc 2: Answer them! You command respect, after all -- you have a johnson! A kuwanger! A ramscoop!
Romulan: (over the comm) This is Commander N'Vor of the warbird God, We Hate Klingons. Identify yourself.
Doc: This is... uh... Commander N'Vor!
Doc 2: Commander N'Vor, huh?
Doc: I couldn't think of another Romulan name!

Paris: It's him! You did it!
Kim: No, this is just Doc's physical appearance. He can't do stuff yet. So put the phaser down.
Paris: But when he's working, I can injure you as a test, right?
Kim: Let's compromise and injure Neelix.

Doc 2: Federation ships! We're saved!
Federation Ships: ZAP ZAP ZAP
Doc: But who saves us from the Federation ships?
Doc 2: Uh... the Dominion?

Kim: Okay, I've given him some basic subroutines. Let's try him out.
Paris: Hey Doc, guy walks in here with a broken leg. What do you do?
"Doc": I... hypospray... thrombic... state the nature... ARRGH!
Paris: Makes you think, doesn't it? The holodeck can simulate any human in history perfectly, but not one of its own programs.
Kim: It makes me think that a guy with a broken leg can't walk.
Paris: Oh, like a minor logic error like that would trip up a sophisticated computer.

Doc: Wait! I know what to do! Computer, activate that thing you activated earlier!
Computer: Coffee machine activated.
Doc 2: He means the attack thing.
Computer: It's really bad coffee.

Prometheus: Attaaaaack! (splits)
Romulan and Federation Ships: Ooooo.

Doc: The Romulans are retreating! This Prometheus really brings the firepower.
Doc 2: I could use some firepower too. If you know what I mean.
Doc: We'll talk about that later. For now --
Security Guy: Who are you two supposed to be?
Doc 2: I'm the EMH, and he's Commander N'Vok.
Doc: Shaddup.

Torres: Hey, is that Doc's signal?
Seven: Seven of Nine to bridge. We have detected --
Janeway: (over the comm) YEOW!
Torres: We probably should have turned that off.
Seven: Or called Commander Chakotay instead.

Doc: It was amazing, Captain! I fought Romulans, and then I spoke with Starfleet Command, and they gave me a medal, and I have a date with this cute cadet named Ezri next week, and --
Janeway: You told them about Voyager, right?
Doc: What about it?
Janeway: Computer, delete the EMH and empty the Recycle Bin.
Computer: Acknowledged. (sound of papers fluttering)
Kim: Boy, good thing we finally got around to making a backup module last week.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 4, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Zeke.