Five-Minute "Homestead"
by Zeke

Neelix: Look, everybody, I can make Tuvok do tricks! Tuvok, give the Vulcan salute! Tuvok, say "Live long and prosper"!
Tuvok: Fine. But I ain't dancing.
Janeway: So you can teach an old Vulcan new tricks.

Chakotay: We found some Talaxians.
Neelix: Oo, oo! I wanna see!
Janeway: Fine, take the Flyer. But don't crash it or I'll give you no punishment at all.
Chakotay: That was not one of your better threats, Captain.

Paris: Oh no! Somebody set up us the bomb!
Tuvok: We are on the way to destruction!
Neelix: Okay, the next person to use a Zero Wing line eats knuckle.
Paris: What you say?

Seven: The Flyer crashed.
Janeway: Excellent. Now send in a shuttle! And let Chakotay fly it! BWAHAHAHA!
Seven: You enjoy this, don't you?
Janeway: Seven, it's my reason for being.

Neelix: Hello, I love you, won't you tell me your name?
Dexa: I bet you say that to all the cute Kes-like Talaxian widows.

Nocona: Sorry about bombing your crew.
Janeway: No problem. Can we go rescue them now?
Nocona: That would hurt my feelings.
Janeway: Oh. Never mind, then.

Brax: Hi. I'm a young and impressionable kid in desperate need of a father figure.
Neelix: This is almost too easy.

Oxilon: You may go now, but your friends are alien scum.
Neelix: How dare you? I demand to be considered scum too!
Oxilon: Have it your way.

Neelix: So how did you guys get all the way from Talax in such a short time?
Dexa: I have no idea. Don't ask. Do you like my kid?
Neelix: Yeah, he's got spunk.
Dexa: Whattaya mean, Brax has bite?

Paris: Welcome back.
Neelix: Don't get used to it -- I think I like these guys better than you.
Tuvok: Aw, now you've made me sad!

Neelix: Identify yourself, stowaway!
Brax: My name is Joe Thompson. I'm 21, I swear.
Neelix: Your fake-ID technique needs work.

Oxilon: You can't make us leave our asteroid base!
Nocona: Sorry, all your base are belong to us.
Neelix: That's it, you're going down!

Oxilon: They're gone for now, but they'll return -- I think you hurt their feelings.
Neelix: Well, let's all head back to my ship till then.
Dexa: Will Security let us on board?
Neelix: What the heck is "Security"?

Brax: So, Neelix, do you serve any useful purpose here?
Kim: Neelix is our cook, ambassador, morale officer, and diplomat.
Brax: So "no," then.
Chakotay: Right.

Neelix: Hey Naomi, meet Dexa and Brax.
Naomi: Yeesh, this is ridiculous! Do you Talaxians all have an X in your names?
Neelix: All but the strippers. They have three.

Neelix: A toast to the fact that your husband is dead.
Dexa: Hear, hear!

Nocona: Let you keep the asteroid? No way!
Oxilon: Awwww, are we hurting the little miner's feelings again?
Janeway: This is gonna get worse before it gets better.

Naomi: ...and then Tuvok and Neelix were Tuvix for a while, until that murderous Janeway killed him in cold blood.
Brax: That's debatable. Hey Neelix, how'd the negotiations go?
Neelix: Well, it's not whether you win or lose....

Tuvok: You know, you'd make a good leader for these guys.
Neelix: I thought you didn't like me.
Tuvok: Like you? I worship you! You are my God!
Neelix: You're just sucking up because this is my last episode, aren't you?
Tuvok: Yes, sir, I am.

Janeway: Off to break the Prime Directive, fuzzhead?
Neelix: Yep.
Janeway: Cool.

Neelix: You guys have to fight for your home. Take off every "zig"!
Oxilon: You know what you doing?
Neelix: Move "zig." For great justice.
Dexa: What in God's name are you two talking about?
Neelix: You wouldn't get it. Let's kiss.

Oxilon: We're nearly done, but the bad guys will kill us!
Neelix: S'okay, I'll sacrifice my life to save you.
Janeway: Have no fear -- Janeway's here!
Paris: And doing squat, I might add. You could at least take a station.
Nocona: (over the comm) Everybody shut up! Do our feelings mean nothing to you?

Captain's Log: Hmm...if you removed Nocona's appendix, would that be miner surgery?

Neelix: Gotta go.
Brax: Awwww, stay! Staystaystay!
Dexa: Stop that! Can't you wait five minutes?

Naomi: I don't need you anymore. Take a hike, furball.
Neelix: Sigh...they grow up so fast.

Neelix: Captain, I've been thinking.
Janeway: There's a first. Would you like to leave the ship?
Neelix: Yes. Preferably before B'Elanna remembers that I owe her 30 bucks.

Janeway: Farewell, oh whiskered one. Take care.
Tuvok: We'll miss you, man!
Neelix: Really?
Tuvok: Well, I will. This is so sad...aw, I can't help it...WAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Neelix: Honey, I'm home....
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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