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Five-Minute "The Best of Both Girls, Part 2"

by Zeke

Picard: A war is on, and the flagship is guarding Risa. Everyone at Starfleet Command should be impeached.
Riker: Now now, Captain. Let he who is without sin throw --
Data: Sir? Borg.
Picard: Oh, thank God.

Sisko: Let me just make sure that I understand you correctly... "Your Majesty". A group of cybernetic creatures... from the Delta Quadrant... have brought Voyager back here to save the human race... and you're in charge of them?
Janeway: (over the comm) Well paraphrased. Sarcasm next?
Sisko: Heck no. Let's DO this.

Damar: We're getting slaughtered! How does the Federation keep beating these stupid cubes?
Weyoun: By deus ex machina. And now they're using one on us! You told me there wouldn't be one, Dukat!
Dukat: No, I told you we wouldn't lose the station without one. And dammit, we haven't lost yet! We -- where'd they all go?
Kira: Evacuated. You probably should too.
Dukat: Never! They'd have to drag me away!
Kira: Okay, I'll shoot your hand off. That's an equally time-honoured villainous option.

Kim: Unless you pay a lot of money for this box of junk, you'll be an opportunity-missing, altruistic sucker.
Quark: Anything but that! Take all my money!
Paris: Hey big-ears, I just saw that same junk for half the price.
Kim: Tom!
Paris: *shrug* S'only fair.

Picard: Hail the station! This is the Enterprise -- we stand ready to assist you!
Sisko: (over the comm) Relax. The Borg ship was here to help. They're in the Gamma Quadrant now assimilating the Dominion. Oh, and they brought Voyager home.
(long pause)
Picard: I'll be in my quarters. Call me when the universe makes sense again.
Riker: (See? Told you it would be fun not to tell him till we got here.)

Captain's Log: The combined fleet has thoroughly Wolf 359ed the Gamma Quadrant. There's evidence that assimilation is continuing. EVERYTHING IS WRONG WITH EVERYTHING. Even Commander Riker is clearly disturbed.
First Officer's Log: Man, I can't believe I missed ALL these cool battles!

Janeway: Ah, the feeling of mass assimilation. Everything is right with everything.
Chakotay: You're starting to worry me.
Janeway: Pfft. You worried when the turbolift software was glitching.
Chakotay: Six people died!

Picard: Hail the fleet! This is the --
Janeway: (over the comm) Yes, yes, we know. About time you got here.
Picard: Someone who crossed the galaxy in three years is hardly a fair judge of speed.
Riker: Hey! Look, everyone! Captain Janeway assimilated the Borg!
Wesley: I'm pretty sure it went the other way, sir.
Riker: No, for real this time. Wait, what are you doing here?
Wesley: Making the ending more interesting. This episode just kinda stops.


Previous fiver: The Best of Both Girls, Part 1


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This fiver was originally published on December 27, 2015.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2015, Zeke.