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Sliders: Five-Minute "Gillian of the Spirits"

by Derek Dean

A manifestation of Alternate Universe Week

Rembrandt: Quinn! Where are you?
Arturo: Quinn! Where are you?
Quinn: I'm over -- (Wade walks through Quinn) -- oh, it's one of these episodes. Never mind.

Wade: What if he's trapped on another world?
Arturo: Oh, please. Like any of us would get written out of the series.
Quinn: You said it.
Rembrandt: Are they writing out the timer? 'Cause it's smoking.
Arturo: Crap.

Arturo: We're looking for the Dominion Hotel. Where is it?
Policeman: I'm a police officer, not a roadmap. I'm not telling.
Arturo: Would a wristwatch refresh your memory?
Policeman: Gasp! Bribing a police officer? With illegal technology? At this time of day?
Quinn: Quick, horse! Make a distraction!
Horse: Zap! A distraction!
Quinn: I hate talking horses.

Arturo: I'm looking for a computer store.
Gomez Calhoun: Perhaps you didn't notice the phrase "illegal technology" in the last scene.
Rembrandt: Hey, aren't you Will Sasso? From Mad TV?
Calhoun: What's TV?
Rembrandt: Fine. Stay in character. See if I care.

Quinn: You can see me!
Gillian: No, I can't.
Quinn: You can hear me!
Gillian: Um, no, I can't.
Quinn: You can lie to me!
Gillian: Look, go haunt someone else or whatever it is you ghosts do.

Quinn: I'm not a ghost. I'm just trapped on the astral plane.
Gillian: How do I know you're not some shadowy future guy who has come to alter the past?
Quinn: Because I'm not shadowy!
Gillian: Not good enough.
Quinn: Come on, just tell my friends that I'm in this episode.
Gillian: Sigh. Then will you leave me alone?
Quinn: It wouldn't be much of an episode if I did.
Gillian: I hate talking astral projections.

Gillian: Quinn's stuck on the astral plane.
Arturo: Suuuure, he is. Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Gillian: What if I feed the Q/W 'shippers? Then would you believe me?
Arturo: Actually, yes.
Wade: We have 'shippers?

Rembrandt: ...And we call the process sliding. So do you know anyone with technology?
Father Jerry: Well, normally I keep all confessions confidential, but since you're obviously insane, let's see who I know....
Rembrandt: I'm not insane.
Jerry: Uh-huh. And neither was the kid who claimed he was from thirty years in the future. I sent him to Dr. Emmet Brown, so you can see Michael.
Rembrandt: Um, thanks.

Mike Mallory: Yeah?
Wade: Hey, you're Quinn's dad!
Mallory: My son's dead. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut, and pour lemon juice on it?

Wade: So how did Quinn die?
Mallory: He was killed playing water polio.
Wade: Water polio? I think you're confusing polio and water polo, though how is beyond me.
Mallory: Nope. The doctor said it was polio, marked by an excessive and sometimes violent need to play water polo, or by generalized inhibition.
Arturo: Look, just show us the technology before I'm forced to hurt you.

Arturo: Stupid timer, why don't you work?
Timer: Oh, I'm stupid, am I? Well, take this! (ZAP!)
Quinn: Looks like I have to take matters into my own hands.

Mrs. Henry: Who stole the money from the money drawer?
Quinn: It was Monica!
Gillian: Monica stole the money from the money drawer!
Monica: Who me?
Gillian: Yes, you.
Monica: Couldn't be.
Gillian: (emptying money from Monica's purse) Then explain this!
Monica: Aw, you messed up the rhyme.

Anti-Tech Cop: I see technology in the basement.
Arturo: Yeah, it's mine. Give it.
Mallory: Look. I'm the one responsible for all this. Arrest only me.
Anti-Tech Cop: Even after that guy admits that it's all his?
Mallory: Do it now before they figure out you're not really an anti-tech cop.
Wade: He's not? Then why isn't there any textual indication of that?
Mallory: Because if there were, there would have to be an obligatory joke about the textual indication.
Wade: Great. So instead of a semi-funny one-liner, we have a three-line completely unfunny conversation. Real good.

Gillian: Hey, guys! Guess what?
Wade: Mallory is collaborating with a fake anti-tech cop.
Gillian: Way to ruin the big surprise. Did you know he's planning on killing you after milking you for all your knowledge?
Wade: Meh.
Gillian: Did you know there's a lot of technology at the place and you can fix the timer if you break in?
Arturo: Did you know that this method of delivering information is getting annoying?

Gillian: Being able to see things on the astral plane has made me an outcast.
Quinn: Sucks to be you.
Gillian: Sniff. You always say the sweetest things to me.
Quinn: Wow. You really have been shunned.

Arturo: All right. Got the timer. Now all we need is to go back in the same house we came out of.
Nicole: Hey, dwarf-boy, leave my daughter alone!
Arturo: First, I'm not a dwarf. Second, we really need to finish this episode, so just come over to our side, already.

Arturo: So how do I fix the timer?
Quinn: (through Gillian) See the on switch? Yeah, turn it on.
(Arturo opens the vortex)
Mallory: That was so pathetic, I'm going to have to add some tension to the scene. Stick 'em up.
Quinn: Aw, dad! You never let me have anything! First you took away my Barbies, now you're taking away my friends.
Mallory: Sniff. It really is you, son.

Quinn: Unfortunately, I can't slide since I'm on the astral plane. So let's make with the goodbyes.
Rembrandt: Sniff. Goodbye.
Arturo: Sniff. Goodbye.
Wade: Sniff. Q/W Forever!
(Vortex closes)
(Astral Vortex opens)
Quinn: Well, that sure is fortunate. Sniff. Goodbye, Gillian and dad!
(Quinn is reunited with the others at Ludicrous Speed.)

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This fiver was originally published on June 21, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by St. Clair Entertainment, MCA Universal, and the Sci-Fi Channel. I figure I can escape while they're fighting over who gets to sue me.

All material © 2003, Derek Dean.